Drawing

Back again …. Autistic Burnout is real… and a bummer!

Angela PorterLeave a comment

It’s been a while, again…

Learning how to navigate life as an autistic person. Doing my best to do what I have to do. Being with people I like is great, but it’s draining. I can be totally bushwhacked for a day or several. I can focus on drawing, but on writing a blog, holding a conversation, live streaming drawing and chatting on YouTube can be just too much.

When I’m burned out, the imposter syndrome weighs heavy on me, despite all the evidence to the contrary. A life time of being told I’m weird, difficult, histrionic, not good enough, not liked can bubble upwards, along with the feeling of being totally alone in life.

I’m not alone. I do choose to be solitary a lot of the time as it leaves me with the energy to join in with others, to do errands and tasks. Learning at my age of 62 that this is now abso-blooming-lutely necessary isn’t easy. It’s learning what lies beneath the lifetime of masking, the constant pushing to fit in and be as ‘productive’ as others, being told I’m selfish for needing time to myself, that I’m no fun. Over six decades … it’s not undone in a year or two.

Fortunately, I did go through several years of EMDR and Somatic therapy for cPTSD which helped me heal and release a lot of the trauma of my past.

But on some days, days where I don’t have the energy of mental focus to still the nagging messages learned from others in the past, they can overwhelm at times. And that can make it harder to recover.

The one thing that helps is drawing. Some days it can be too hard to do even that, everything is fraught with frustration, a lack of motivation, an inability to do anything at all. Most days I can find at least a little time to create.

And on those days, if I venture into the world to run an errand, attend an appointment, keep a commitment I have to keep, the mask is put back on. The mask that tries to let people know I’m ok, even though every part of me is overwhelmed by the lights, sounds, smells, the press of people, the hustle and bustle, the unfamiliarity of a new place (or even an old place if things have been rearranged/altered). The effort of trying to listen to the person talking to me when all around me is a cacophony of other voices, sounds, smells and more.

But there’s always the nap to look forward to…

And then some drawing or adding colour or shading…

Or just some cozy time with Stardew Valley…

All in the safe space of my home, as imperfect as it is. But it’s home, where I can relax as fully as I can and just continue learning more about me without the masking.

I know it’s hard for so many neurotypical people to not understand or get this. But putting my experiences as an autistic person ‘out there’ may help people to understand this – if you meet me I may seem a little ‘eccentric’ but seem to have it all together, to have the proverbial ducks in row. However what’s going on beneath the surface is a whole lot of stuff that isn’t visible, nor shared for fear of being called ‘attention seeking’ or ‘too much’ or ‘making it all about yourself again’. I use so much energy to keep it together for as long as I need to … but the aftermath….

The days of sleeping 12 or more hours, the inability to cook, washup, bathe, do some laundry, tidy-up, focus on anything other than gentle stories or games, of avoiding social contact…of existing in one corner of my daybed, scrunched up with a drawing board on my legs, drawing in spurts…. of not realising I need to drink and eat as I don’t recognise I’m hungry/thirsty…of finding it hard to get up and go to bed to sleep because I just can’t make that transition..

The Art…

And yet, throughout this, I draw, I create, I seek out images that make me smile and interest my creative mind. I can question what my artistic voice is. I seem to fall back on old, familiar styles of art, like in the image above.

The old, familiar styles bring soothing to my overly frazzled senses. The way my muscles and mind flow with the curves, the intricacy of patterns, the playing with shadow and light. The way I feel the movement of the shapes of lines in my mind and the delight that brings.

I’m aphantasic; I don’t have a visual imagination. However, I do feel the shape or line I’d like to draw, The patterns come instinctively, mostly.

Colour is a frustration, especially if I use lots of colours. The drawing feels … too much … too disjointed … incoherent…

In the drawing at the start of this blog, I used just two colours of Ohuhu markers – R15 Lychee Juice and E610 LIght Mahogany.

They didn’t really blend too well together – the Mahogany was just too saturated and dark. I used a graphite pencil to add more shading, which helped to bring things together. And this time, I was sparing with the white gel pen dotty highlights.

And I’m actually happy with how this one turned out! It seems a simple colour scheme is the way to go for me! What do you think?

All I have to do is to remember this – to keep the colours simple, a light and dark colour that blend well, graphite pencil, or chalk pastel pencil to add shadow and white gel pen to add highlights (though I may try a white charcoal pencil to see how that works out too).

Shadow and light. Depth and dimension. Giving a 3D quality to my work. Severely limiting my colour choice… I always return to this. But when I have a big selection of colours … I have to learn it’s OK to use just two…one for the dark and one for the light, with white pen/charcoal/ for highlights and graphite/pastel pencils for shadow. Now all I have to do is remember this! Possibly easier said than done!

It’s been a while…again…sigh.

Angela PorterLeave a comment

It’s been a heck of a year, this 2024. Between anaemia, fatigue and brain fog exacerbated by COVID followed by tonsillitis in the last couple of months and other things going on, it’s been tough to focus long enough to post anything much to social media.

I haven’t done as many colour templates as I usually would in a year for the Angela Porter’s Colouring Book Fans facebook group.However, I’ve managed to get three done in the past couple of weeks and I’ve just uploaded them to the group. You can see the templates at the top of this post.

I’ll also be making them available for free on my Ko-Fi store. In both instances, terms and conditions for use do apply.

It’s soothing for me to draw and create, but so hard to put words onto a page, or into a YouTube video. I have, however, done a few Draw With Me live streams, which are easier for me to do than record, edit, upload and so on – less brain power needed.

I’ve also learned a lot about my art in the past year. Understanding what is an expression of myself, including in some ‘styles’, and accepting this has been a significant step forward for me. There’s more, but I’ll blog about it another time. The fog is closing in, and I have more to do today…

I know I’ll get better. I’m taking B12 and iron if it’s anaemia. If the fatigue is due to long COVID and/or perimenopause, things will also improve in time. I just have to learn to pace myself and not overdo things on a day when I have lots of energy (or when I’m masking my tiredness to interact with others). This is most definitely a work in progress.

Also, I’ve realised that I must draw designs/sketches before inking in digitally. My mind just can’t adapt to drawing entirely digitally. On paper, I quickly have an overview of the whole design and how it will appear to others’ eyes, too. I don’t get that sense digitally. So, I think that tradigital is a way for me to work – traditional pen drawing with digital colouring.

There is one exception to this, however. That is the drawing of geometric designs such as tiles and mandalas. I seem to be able to do them so much more easily digitally as I can concentrate on the lines and shapes I’m drawing rather than focusing on the maths and measurements.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been getting used to my XPPen Magic Drawing Pad for drawing mandalas and adding colour. I’ve found that I like Sketchbook and ClipStudio Paint for designing and adding colour.

I really had hoped that the Magic Drawing Pad (an Android tablet that has a paper-like screen and the ability to draw smoothly accurately and with large artwork) would make it possible for me to use it instead of a paper sketchbook. I’ve tried so hard, but my brain just won’t adjust. C’est la vie!

Some of August’s Artyness…

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August has been a weird old month. I managed to get all the pages for my next colouring book called “Daydreams” done. The work was enjoyable, but the constant fatigue hasn’t been. All I have to do now is to add colour to two templates!

I’ve managed to get some videos done, too, three in the last few days! They can be seen on my YouTube channel @AngelaPorter.

I have rediscovered an old love and source of inspiration – Ernst Haeckel. I bought myself a collection of his work for my birthday. It fascinates me and entrances me – both the beauty, the detail, the stylised way of drawing and the science that goes with it! It’s all the things I love most about scientific drawings and illustrations. And that love has followed me through my life.

Unsurprisingly, I’ve dipped my toes into the richly inspirational waters of the Arts and Crafts movement. Again, the wonderfully stylised yet richly intricate designs fascinate me.

I’ve taken time since finishing the artwork for the book to indulge myself in sketchbook work, pattern and motif explorations, and the simple joy of drawing.

I had thought about creating a ‘junk’ journal. Well, more of a sketchbook cross art journal cross zibaldone/commonplace book cross journal cross elements of junk journaling.

As I started to work on it, I got so overwhelmed. So, I started to put together a disc-bound sketchbook. As I’ve added work to the sketchbook, ideas of how to incorporate elements of the various kinds of journals/sketchbooks start to make sense.

This tells me I really do need to stop getting overwhelmed and start with a drawing. Then, just trust that creative intuition will work its magic and meld ideas together – one at a time.

One thing at a time. One thing at a time, as in one focus at a time, is easy to do. I find it hard to juggle multiple projects. I have a couple or more on hold. I know if I start on them again, then that project may totally take over my focus. But starting at any one of the projects after a break can fill me with anxiety and fear of failure. I know that to do nothing is the only real failure, but picking up a project after a break from it and having to pick up the flow of it again …

Well, perhaps I need to learn to trust the creative and inspirational flow and put aside the fear, doubts, and negative inner voice. Easier typed than done!

Linked to this is I’ve started to read Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way”. It’s surprising how much of this I recognise so far – I just needed the words for how I work. I am going to work my way through it, though. I have a feeling it will be very valuable to me. And some lined paper for the daily pages has arrived today, so no excuses tomorrow morning!

Aww, shucks…

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Aww, shucks…

Another daily creepy cute critter. Well, almost daily. I’ll explain more in a moment, first to this lovely bunch of pals, or not lovely, depending on your interpretation.

I’m not sure what the possible story is or what stories are here. But that’s part of the fun. I suspect we’ll each see what makes sense to us, given where we are at any particular moment. I feel the tall one is having an aww shucks moment, especially as the ears are blushing (not the cheeks!). Is it a celebration? Or surprised someone would think of them, and the little one is rolling their eyes… again! Is tall always blue in colour, or is it a sign of their low mood and the others have thought to cheer them up?

But, of course, that is just one interpretation. It’s fun to muse about what’s going on for sure.

‘Puter Probs…

I’ve been missing from blog posts, social media and YouTube for a few days thanks to some computer problems. But all seems to be fine now, and I have a shiny new laptop that will function as a backup for digital art should my main computer have problems again. I have no idea what went wrong, but I went into full flap and panic mode. Or, an enormous flap and panic mode as I was already overwhelmed with a second deadline looming at the end of this week. The only problem with the new one is the pen on the screen is not as good as my main puter. So, I see a drawing tablet in the future, just in case…

I still have a lot of anxiety left over from this flap and panic, which is tiring me out. But that will fade. Tea will definitely help this morning! As will some art just for art’s sake too.

Template Thursday

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Coloring Template.

Seven more days of the pandemic over and done with and gone to the past. That means seven less days before it comes to some kind of end! Always trying to look on the plus side of things, not always succeeding.

In the past week we’ve also left August behind us and entered September.

As it’s Thursday once again, it’s time for a new coloring template for members of the Angela Porter’s Coloring Book Fans facebook group.

This week, I’ve created one of my signature ‘Entangled’ designs that includes seed pods, flowers, berries, foliage and plenty of arches with abstract, geometric patterns.

I drew this template on Canson Bristol Board with 05 and 03 Uniball Unipin pens. I’ve added colour digitally.

As I can feel autumn ready to burst forth soon, I’ve chosen colours that represent that season. Of course, any colour palette will work well. The aim is to have fun, relax, and take time out for creativity. There’s no coloring police to tell you you’ve done wrong, apart from our own inner critics.

As always, I look forward to seeing how everyone brings this template to life with colour!

To Inktober or Not?

We’ve been getting questions from our friends who don’t speak English about the word WISP. It means a small thin or twisted bunch, piece, or amount of something. "wisps of smoke rose into the air" “wisps of her hair danced in front of her eyes.” Some might also notice a repeat of the word DIZZY from last year. Our internal editor here didn’t catch that, but we are rolling with it. It’s a fun word, and it would be cool to see you do a different interpretation of it this year. Note: for #Inktober52 participants, prompts 1, 8, 15, 22, and 29 are ALSO the weekly prompts.

I started doing the Inktober52 challenge at the start of the year, but quickly fell off the wagon, so to speak.

I really enjoyed doing Inktober last year, though I didn’t use the official prompt list as it really didn’t do anything for me. Instead, I used two alternative lists – one of skulls, the other of fungi.

I’m thinking of using this year’s list to practice typographic art. Mind you, that depends on what alternative lists I stumble upon, as I may use one of them instead.

I also discovered this Slowtember challenge on twitter from @megaelod:

Image

I am tempted to use this for this month. I’ll see what happens!

Dydd Gwyl Dewi Hapus! Happy St David’s Day!

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March 2020 Coloring template for Angela Porter’s Coloring Book Fans facebook group
© Angela Porter | Artwyrd.com

A new month means a new coloring template exclusive to members of the Angela Porter’s Coloring Book Fans facebook group.

March the 1st is St David’s Day, the patron saint of Wales, which is where I live. The daffodil is one of his emblems and so it was fitting I included some in this month’s template. As we are heading towards the spring equinox and the official start of spring here in the Northern Hemisphere, I’ve also included plenty of flowers that would be lovely coloured in spring colours. They’d be lovely in colours of all the seasons, however. Flowers are beautiful no matter what season we’re in.

The template is drawn in my signature ‘Entangled’ style of line art, with very stylised flowers, foliage, and even butterflies and shells, along with patterns derived from architecture, sculpture, pottery, and more. Lots of my favourite things all in one abstract image.

If you’d like to print and colour this template, then please pop along to the facebook group where the members, and I, would love to see how you bring it to life with your own kind of colour magic.

Season’s Greetings Coloring Template

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Season’s Greetings (c) Angela Porter | Artwyrd.com

I’ve created a third December colouring template for the members of Angela Porter’s Coloring Book Fans facebook group, and here’s my partly coloured version.

If you’d like to download and print the template to colour, then all you need to do is pop over to the group and join! It’s free!

I’m flagging at the moment. I didn’t sleep much last night; I’ve picked up some kind of stomach bug and so was back and forth the bathroom. My tummy is still not well today. I was, however, determined to get a seasonal greeting out to one and all.

Drawn with Faber Castell Pitt Artist pens. Typography and colouring done digitally.

A festive dangle design video

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This morning, I made a video of me drawing and colouring this festive dangle design and turning it into a card.

This video shows me drawing in real time, and I hope you enjoy it, despite the wobbliness in places.

Here’s a list of materials I used:

  • 8″x 8″ Winsor and Newton Bristol Board folded to make an 8″ x 4″ card
  • 7″ x 3″ piece of Winsor and Newton Bristol Board to draw the design on
  • Faber-Castell Pitt Artist Pen, medium
  • Pencil and ruler
  • Various Chameleon Color tones marker pens
  • White Uniball Signo gel pen
  • Tombow Mono glue
  • Tumbled Glass Distress Ink and a mini foam blending tool

I hope you have a go at drawing this dangle design and making your own papercraft or craft projects with it. If you do, I’d love to see them!

If you’d like to know more about drawing dangle designs, or would like more inspiration, step by step instructions, and encouraging words, then my book “A Dangle A Day” is a good place to start.

Be an encourager

Angela PorterLeave a comment
Be an encourager © Angela Porter | Artwyrd.com
Be an encourager © Angela Porter | Artwyrd.com

I’ve had a busy day learning new things to do with video and so on. The concentration has taxed my brain just a bit, and I needed some time in an arty happy place.

My first task was to find a quote that appealed to me today. This one is quite apt I think, for many reasons. I’m not entirely sure my typography is right for the quote, but it will do for now.

I then knew I wanted to do a mandala as a background. I find this style of mandala very soothing to draw, and soothing was just what I needed today.

Once I’d finished the mandala, I added colour in greens and teal. Calming, soothing, balancing colours for today. Colours of calm contentment, which is just how I feel at the moment. Also hopeful colours. That green reminds me a lot like the first leaves showing themselves at the tail end of winter, spreading hope that the warmer, lighter days will soon be here.

Heal

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Heal - Artwork by Angela Porter at Artwyrd.com
Heal – Artwork by Angela Porter at Artwyrd.com

About the art.

I don’t know who said these words, but they resonated with me when I stumbled upon them. Not only did they resonate, but they also brought tears to my eyes and my heart too. I have words for one of my goals for recovery from cPTSD. This is why I had to do something with the quote in my own inimitable style.

So, I took the words and chose a pretty font for them, arranged them as I wished and then printed them out onto acid-free paper. I trimmed the paper to approx 21cm x 21cm and added some pencil guidelines for space around the quote and the edge of the paper.

Next, I used Tombow Fudenosuke and Faber-Castell Pitt Artist Pens to draw a design. I stuck to just a few motifs that I repeated to fill the space. I also let the design elements to spill over the pencil margins here and there to give a more organic feel to the artwork.

Finally, after erasing the pencil lines, I scanned the drawing in, increased the contrast a little to remove most of the remaining pencil marks. I then added a grungy, colourful, autumnal background.

I’m pleased with this one. I really like the way the Fudenosuke pens work for me now. I love the variation of line and the bolder line that I have used. I also think that using just a few design elements and repeating them to fill the space results in a more cohesive design.

I think I could have left a bit more space around the quote; however, it is good enough.

So, Angela, how are you feeling today?

And for me to say something is good enough is a sign that I am recovering from a bad day yesterday. I’m still somewhat emotionally fragile and vulnerable, but I’m able to see that my art is good enough.

Yesterday, nothing I did was good enough. I lost faith in my crochet, my digital art, my drawing. Nothing seemed to work out, and I really was doubting my abilities.

EMDR therapy for my cPTSD was rather distressing and left me exhausted. Mind you, I was exhausted to begin with. Monday I wore my protective mask as I had to go somewhere where I’d be with people I didn’t know, doing something I was really anxious about, and I didn’t know the place I was going to. I was exhausted after keeping my mask on for just four or so hours.

How on earth did I find the energy to keep the mask up for all those years? 

One good thing has come from this experience – I can see how exhausting it is to keep up a mask for even a short time. I wonder how on earth I managed it for most of my life!

Anyway, after EMDR, I was more exhausted and came home and slept. In the evening, I thought I needed to be creative. It all led to me being hard and overly critical of myself. Little comments made to me just made it worse, even though the comments weren’t negative, my emotionally vulnerable and exhausted state twisted them that way.

Even though I was emotionally vulnerable and caught up in a storm of thoughts and feelings, I was still aware of this contentedness inside me, but I just couldn’t anchor myself fully to it. I was a little bit adrift in the turbulent waters of my emotions and thoughts.

I should know by now that I need to choose what activities I do carefully at times like this. Last night, I didn’t do that. However, I eventually got back to sleep, and I woke this morning feeling more content.

There’s not quite the sunshine within present today; there are still some emotional clouds covering it up. However, I know that they will not persist and will move along as I practice self-soothing and self-care and do creative activities that won’t push me too much and won’t engage the inner critics.

I’m still drained, physically, mentally and emotionally, but I am in a better place today. I think my drawing above shows that too.