Back again …. Autistic Burnout is real… and a bummer!

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It’s been a while, again…

Learning how to navigate life as an autistic person. Doing my best to do what I have to do. Being with people I like is great, but it’s draining. I can be totally bushwhacked for a day or several. I can focus on drawing, but on writing a blog, holding a conversation, live streaming drawing and chatting on YouTube can be just too much.

When I’m burned out, the imposter syndrome weighs heavy on me, despite all the evidence to the contrary. A life time of being told I’m weird, difficult, histrionic, not good enough, not liked can bubble upwards, along with the feeling of being totally alone in life.

I’m not alone. I do choose to be solitary a lot of the time as it leaves me with the energy to join in with others, to do errands and tasks. Learning at my age of 62 that this is now abso-blooming-lutely necessary isn’t easy. It’s learning what lies beneath the lifetime of masking, the constant pushing to fit in and be as ‘productive’ as others, being told I’m selfish for needing time to myself, that I’m no fun. Over six decades … it’s not undone in a year or two.

Fortunately, I did go through several years of EMDR and Somatic therapy for cPTSD which helped me heal and release a lot of the trauma of my past.

But on some days, days where I don’t have the energy of mental focus to still the nagging messages learned from others in the past, they can overwhelm at times. And that can make it harder to recover.

The one thing that helps is drawing. Some days it can be too hard to do even that, everything is fraught with frustration, a lack of motivation, an inability to do anything at all. Most days I can find at least a little time to create.

And on those days, if I venture into the world to run an errand, attend an appointment, keep a commitment I have to keep, the mask is put back on. The mask that tries to let people know I’m ok, even though every part of me is overwhelmed by the lights, sounds, smells, the press of people, the hustle and bustle, the unfamiliarity of a new place (or even an old place if things have been rearranged/altered). The effort of trying to listen to the person talking to me when all around me is a cacophony of other voices, sounds, smells and more.

But there’s always the nap to look forward to…

And then some drawing or adding colour or shading…

Or just some cozy time with Stardew Valley…

All in the safe space of my home, as imperfect as it is. But it’s home, where I can relax as fully as I can and just continue learning more about me without the masking.

I know it’s hard for so many neurotypical people to not understand or get this. But putting my experiences as an autistic person ‘out there’ may help people to understand this – if you meet me I may seem a little ‘eccentric’ but seem to have it all together, to have the proverbial ducks in row. However what’s going on beneath the surface is a whole lot of stuff that isn’t visible, nor shared for fear of being called ‘attention seeking’ or ‘too much’ or ‘making it all about yourself again’. I use so much energy to keep it together for as long as I need to … but the aftermath….

The days of sleeping 12 or more hours, the inability to cook, washup, bathe, do some laundry, tidy-up, focus on anything other than gentle stories or games, of avoiding social contact…of existing in one corner of my daybed, scrunched up with a drawing board on my legs, drawing in spurts…. of not realising I need to drink and eat as I don’t recognise I’m hungry/thirsty…of finding it hard to get up and go to bed to sleep because I just can’t make that transition..

The Art…

And yet, throughout this, I draw, I create, I seek out images that make me smile and interest my creative mind. I can question what my artistic voice is. I seem to fall back on old, familiar styles of art, like in the image above.

The old, familiar styles bring soothing to my overly frazzled senses. The way my muscles and mind flow with the curves, the intricacy of patterns, the playing with shadow and light. The way I feel the movement of the shapes of lines in my mind and the delight that brings.

I’m aphantasic; I don’t have a visual imagination. However, I do feel the shape or line I’d like to draw, The patterns come instinctively, mostly.

Colour is a frustration, especially if I use lots of colours. The drawing feels … too much … too disjointed … incoherent…

In the drawing at the start of this blog, I used just two colours of Ohuhu markers – R15 Lychee Juice and E610 LIght Mahogany.

They didn’t really blend too well together – the Mahogany was just too saturated and dark. I used a graphite pencil to add more shading, which helped to bring things together. And this time, I was sparing with the white gel pen dotty highlights.

And I’m actually happy with how this one turned out! It seems a simple colour scheme is the way to go for me! What do you think?

All I have to do is to remember this – to keep the colours simple, a light and dark colour that blend well, graphite pencil, or chalk pastel pencil to add shadow and white gel pen to add highlights (though I may try a white charcoal pencil to see how that works out too).

Shadow and light. Depth and dimension. Giving a 3D quality to my work. Severely limiting my colour choice… I always return to this. But when I have a big selection of colours … I have to learn it’s OK to use just two…one for the dark and one for the light, with white pen/charcoal/ for highlights and graphite/pastel pencils for shadow. Now all I have to do is remember this! Possibly easier said than done!

New Year Colouring Pages and an Autistic Artist Speaks Out

Angela Porter2 Comments

Gosh, it’s nearly the end of another year.

Two New Year colouring pages are available in the https://www.facebook.com/groups/angelaporterscoloringbookfans

A little bit creepy-cute, a little bit of a different style from me – less ‘perfect’, more expressive, maybe. But always fun!

Drawing is something that brings me peace, contentment, joy and, when this kind of drawing is done, giggles!

However, I’ve learned recently that I can still provoke autistic burnout by losing myself in the art for hours and hours and hours over a few days. I forget that even my joy can end up in that kind of burnout that exhausts me mentally and emotionally.

I am trying to learn, but when I become time-blind, so lost in the creative process … looking after myself is so forgotten. It not just results in exhaustion, emotional dips towards darkness, but IBS flare ups too.

As I’m becoming more aware of my autistic traits and challenges, I’m finding out I really am not good at taking care of myself, of how burnout means I can put aside projects and tasks and never return to them.

I’ve known for a long time, I’m so much better if body-doubling or collaboration with someone who will gently help me stay on task while giving me the space I need to recover. Organisation, prioritising tasks, misinterpreting what is asked (or even not understanding the request as it’s not expressed clearly) is something I have struggled with throughout my life and how the two extended periods of depression and anxiety at the end of my teaching career were largely autistic burnouts complicated by CPTSD from a lifetime of being vulnerable and ‘different’.

At the moment, 14 hours of sleep a day is not unusual. Neither is remaining at home, in my safe sanctuary so I don’t add to the burnout.

These are all things that are hidden complications of autism. Not weakness. Not broken mind and emotions.

They are the struggles of daily life that are hidden behind the mask of coping and smiling and trying to fit in.

I speak openly about my autism these days, to help people understand that what you see in terms of behaviour – burnouts, breakdowns, meltdowns, hiding away from the world outside, stimming, and more, are the result of trying to live in a world that is just goddam too overwhelming and after 60 odd years of thinking I was broken, incapable, a problem, difficult, prey for those who need a victim to blame, I’ve had enough. And I hope that others who struggle like me, neurodivergent or not, may take some comfort, maybe inspiration from me, and permission to learn to be who they truly are (as I am trying to do, trying to raise the mask to show what has been hidden all this time) and to know that they are, as they are, enough, indeed good enough and are valuable members of society, regardless of their earning potential for the machinery of capitalism.

I am autistic. I am an autistic artist, scientist, sometimes writer and I am not ashamed of this at all.

#autistic #autisticartist #autisticcreative #autismawareness #AngelaPorter #Artwyrd

Tuesday Testing… Shading

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In my last blog, I mentioned I’d like to add shadows with alcohol markers on top of the Distress Ink background of a test drawing. This is the result!

I think it’s worked out well – what do you think?

Alcohol markers don’t cause the Distress Ink to move, they just add to the colour by adding a translucent layer. The texture of the Distress Ink background remains, which makes me happy.

The markers give a very distinct edge, even when I tried adding colour with a flicking motion. However, as I added texture patterns  using black and white pens, the jarring feel of the shadow edge softened…a LOT!

I love how the white glows. I think I’d like to use gold or silver ink as an alternative.

I did say I’d like to leave more open space in the design …it didn’t happen. It’s time for me to accept that whatever flows from my pen, plenty of open space or not, it’s what is meant to be. I can bring elements of the drawing to the front with white, and send others toward the back with shadow.

The hardest thing, though, is to remember these insights and remember them going forward.

Monday, Monday….

Angela Porter1 Comment

It’s been a couple of weeks…again. Same old struggle with autistic burnout causing fatigue and limited brain bandwidth.

I have, however, been indulging in art, and this is my latest art. Abstract. Organic. Black and white pens on a colourful Distress Ink background.

The result in me? A feeling of exhaling stress, a smile, a mind and body more at ease. From the flow-ful nature of the lines that are a sensory delight. Of being in a meditative flow state. Of the delight and surprise at what appears on the page as I work intuitively in this meditative flow.

Adding base colours to the page really feels the right thing to do, moreso than adding colour to a black and white drawing. I can focus on the dark structural lines, the textures that add contrast,and the bright highlights.

I’m not sure if I need to add shadows; I’ll sit with this for a while and see how I feel. Part of me is fearful of messing it up, but part of me would like to add volume with shadow.

Maybe I’ll try out some alcohol marker shading on another drawing I feel less precious about; a drawing on a Distress Ink background too. Just to see what happens if I use grey or coloured markers to add shade. In fact, that seems like a darn good idea!

Off to draw some more stuff! This time so I can experiment with shading!

Rainy, grey Monday afternoon…

Angela Porter1 Comment

It is damp and dismal here in the Valleys of South Wales, UK. There’s a misty/foggy feeling to the view from my window which hides much of the glorious autumnal colours. A wind waves branches and leaves and I’m grateful to be safe, dry and warm at home. A spotify playlist is gently playing through my Huawei Free Clips as gently potter around taking photos and panicking about what to write about today.

Let’s start with my current works in progress (WIPs)…

Yesterday I started on this one in a YouTube livestream. Just like what to write about in this blog, I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do! Well, apart from adding some distress inks to colour the white paper! Evergreen Bough, Peeled Paint and Aged Mahogany. Not as pale as they appear in the video/photo. But dark enough to ‘break’ the blank, white page.

The paper is half letter size and I’m using it in landscape; it’s much easier for me to use when videoing and I’m less likely to go out of view. I get so engrossed in the process of drawing I forget to check in still in frame. But hopefully I’m forgiven by the viewers.

All I wanted to do was to relax and enjoy the process of drawing and to try to limit myself to a small number of motifs and patterns. This is something I’d like to continue to do going forward…but who knows what I’m likely to do next. For now this works for me.

This one is something I’m working on away from the cameras. I’m using a letter-sized piece of paper and, again, a limited number of patterns/motifs. I’m using 0.5 and 0.3 Unipin fineliners as I find I really do like bolder lines. If I use finer pens it never feels right to me, and I think I have to learn to trust my own instincts and tastes a lot more.

It seems I’m also returning to not leaving much in the way of white space…but I think that’s more to do with the style of the art I’m creating.

What I do know now is that I’m feeling brain tired and need to nap before my meditation class this evening otherwise I’ll be good for nothing in leading the meditation.

Updates – 2nd November 2025

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Hello There!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? The reason? I’ve been finding it difficult to manage my various autistic batteries viz. social, sensory, interoception difficulties and masking. That results in my mind ‘short circuiting’ and I find myself mentally tired, and unable to speak, listen or do much. When this happens, my mind and senses are just so tired that I need a lot of alone time, sleep, and activities that soothe me.

Add to the mix that menopause has hit and it has all intensified so much, especially with all the ways that the hormonal levels have changed.

So, I’ve not had the mental capacity to write blogs, post art or just do more than draw from time to time, listen to TV/Podcasts that don’t cause a drain on my resources, and sleep a lot. Oh, and StarDew Valley!

I’ve felt that I’m permanently on the edge of a shutdown, heading to a burnout all the time. I recover somewhat in a day or three, but then I end up draining the batteries again.

The odd thing, or perhaps not so odd thing, is that when I’m with people and and getting towards overwhelm, I’m discovering stims I never knew I had, particularly when I’m with people in person. That is interesting to me, as is the realisation they’re helping me cope with things so I can finish the event.

The hardest challenge for me is learning to manage my energy and remembering that ‘NO is a sentence’. One of my problems through life has been being a people-pleaser; another autistic trait. Using ‘no’ and not feeling guilty is really difficult, but I will get there… perhaps!

Three Pen and Ink Drawings

I read a book – “Draw Tiny and Make Great Art!” by Anna Tjalsma-Pogorzelec (@Licosmoss). It helped me to rediscover my love of drawing small motifs and patterns and weaving intricate drawings – the type of art that got me noticed and led to me working as an adult colouring book artist.

Over time, however, the requests from publishers was to be less intricate, larger motifs and characters, and though I enjoyed the work, I lost my connection with my love of intricacy.

I’ve rediscovered it and the three drawings at the top of this post are my latest versions. There’s a bit of creepy cute going on for Hallowe’en (one of my favourite times of the year!). But there’s also botanicals and my beloved arches that I don’t draw often now.

I smiled and giggled as I drew these drawings, something I’ve lost overtime as things got all too serious in some ways.

So, another thing I need to do is try to be true to myself as much as possible. Draw in ways that allow my arty heart to sing it’s song of creativity. Create work that makes me smile, and then share the joy with others.

This world needs more whimsy, smiles, and joy, and if my art contributes to that even just a smidgen then I’ve done something positive as an artist.

Inktober Tangles 2025

I did complete Inktober Tangles 2025! I did so in seven livestreams on YouTube. You can find the videos in the live section of my channel.

I really enjoyed the challenge, which I always seem to do as an exploration of each pattern, looking for variations and working with them.

I also have found that ‘going live’ is really good for me. I can get a video done when I have the mental/emotional energy and focus without the adding drain of editing and so on. It’s also nice to have some interaction with people who message in the chat during the livestream.

Creating content by livestreams isn’t as draining for me as you might think, given my comments above. I’m in my safe, quiet home. I’m essentially chatting about the art, things that are going through my mind as I draw. There’s not much noise going on around me (though at the moment noisy, bangy fireworks are going off…again) and I don’t get so drained. Even if I feel tired after the livestream, It’s a different kind of tiredness to interacting with people.

So, going forward with YouTube I’m going to focus on livestreams, as impromptu as they may be, as a way of creating content without draining me. Art is one of my passions, sharing my processes and lessons I have/am learning is too. Editing videos really is a real drudge and drain on my resources! Wellbeing boundary set!

It’s been a long while…again…

Angela Porter2 Comments

The explanation…

It’s been a good couple of months since I last added an entry to my blog. It’s not that I haven’t tried to; it’s just that I’ve not been able to. Let me explain.

Since I had Covid back in October 2024, I’ve been experiencing chronic fatigue, a scattered and unfocused mind, and an inability to stay focused on a task for much time at all. Even as I type this, I’m losing my train of thought and have to pause often to try to work out what I was about to type or to find the words that just won’t come to the forefront of my mind.

I can spend 10 to 12 or more hours a day sleeping and still not feel refreshed. Taking part in everyday events or tasks is overwhelmingly tiring; not so much physically but mentally and emotionally.

Everything physiological has been ruled out. Covid coincided with me being prescribed a new medication. I’ve stopped that medication, with the blessing of my doctor, so to speak, to see if that was the cause of this fatigue. It’s not and I’m awaiting a review with the doctor soon. I think they mentioned a review to a post viral syndrome clinic or long covid clinic.

I can get really frustrated. Even my art isn’t as prolific as before. Though I get lost in it quite easily, I can’t do much more than 30 mins to 45 mins in a stint, if I’m lucky. Even now, I’ve spent less than an hour scanning in a couple of drawings, creating the images for social media, and getting this far in my blog and I could just fall asleep again. Not even perimenopause/menopause has been this bad…

So, this is the state of my health currently, fine and good apart from this pesky fatigue.

Arty stuff

I have been drawing, but not as much as I usually would have been doing. The two images above are just two that I have completed in the last couple of months or so.

The one on the right resulted in some enquires about buying it. However something weird was going on with the contacts and nothing ever came of it. But, when I’m up to focusing on what I need to do, I will be posting some artwork either on Ko-Fi or Etsy for sale. I wish I could say when, but …

So, I’m still creating, as the fatigue allows.

And so…

…it’s time for me to end this post and go and rest again – I feel so tired and sleepy and unfocussed once again.

All I can say is thank you for bearing with me. I’ll share when I’m able to, but I don’t think there’ll be any YouTube videos for a while as they are just too much for me to accomplish at this time. Hopefully, recovery is occuring, albeit slowly. Only time will tell, that’s for sure.

Rounding off 2024

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First, let me tell you about the images above…

The first image is a collaborative piece of art between myself and my 7-year-old autistic niece, Heidi. She, like me, loves to draw, and she draws so many kinds of whimsical characters. And that’s not the only thing we have in common, as I’m also autistic. I was asked if I could use some of her characters in whimsical drawings. I was so proud to be asked, and so I did. The image is the result.

The main character is a Hedi design, which I interpreted as the dancing jelly bums at the top of the image.

I had a lot of fun drawing this image as I approached it differently than usual. I started with the central character, in which I inked the outline and then added colour using Promarkers. It’s not a perfect job as I’m not brilliant with adding colour to such large areas, but it’s unique, that’s for sure! Hedi was asked what colours to use for the bones, and she said “white” in a tone that brokered no disagreement!

After that, it was stream-of-consciousness and intuitive art. Mushrooms and curly fronds, as did the wave of flowers, seemed a natural addition.

Heidi’s mum, my niece Leone (don’t ask, my family genealogy is well complex!) sent me a couple more of Heidi’s drawings, and the bones had to be added behind the central character I shall name Eric until Heidi agrees or disagrees. So the bones went in. And on seeing Heidi’s dancing jelly beans, they inspired the dancing jelly bums in my drawing.

With each layer, I added colour before progressing. I found it so much less frustrating to add colour in this way. I find adding colour to one of my drawings tediously overwhelming. But breaking it up really helped me so much.

I can’t take credit for stumbling across this idea by myself. I’ve been watching a course on 21Draw by Hannah Bunzey. She works this way, one layer at a time, without any idea what to start with. I learned that visionary, stream-of-consciousness and intuitive methods are combined in my work. That creates a very personal response artistically. And for some reason, that made me feel so much better about my art.

It was lovely to put Heidi’s drawings into a landscape in this way. She loved the drawing, and the artwork will find its way to my niece Leone so it can be hung out of reach where Heidi can see it and hopefully inspire her as she grows and develops.

The image on the right is this year’s New Year colouring template for Angela Porter’s Colouring Book fans facebook group members.

A review of 2024

This’ll be quick. Maybe.

Art. Various health problems. More art. Lovely time spent with my close family and friends. Learning more about myself and finding I’m not broken but neurodivergent! That has been a kind of liberating experience! It does mean managing my time and energy levels in a different way, but I’ll get there I’m sure.

My Wishes for You and Yours

And with that, I wish you all the very best for this day and every day ahead of you. May you find little moments of contentment, wonder, love and joy in each and every day.

It’s been a while…again…sigh.

Angela PorterLeave a comment

It’s been a heck of a year, this 2024. Between anaemia, fatigue and brain fog exacerbated by COVID followed by tonsillitis in the last couple of months and other things going on, it’s been tough to focus long enough to post anything much to social media.

I haven’t done as many colour templates as I usually would in a year for the Angela Porter’s Colouring Book Fans facebook group.However, I’ve managed to get three done in the past couple of weeks and I’ve just uploaded them to the group. You can see the templates at the top of this post.

I’ll also be making them available for free on my Ko-Fi store. In both instances, terms and conditions for use do apply.

It’s soothing for me to draw and create, but so hard to put words onto a page, or into a YouTube video. I have, however, done a few Draw With Me live streams, which are easier for me to do than record, edit, upload and so on – less brain power needed.

I’ve also learned a lot about my art in the past year. Understanding what is an expression of myself, including in some ‘styles’, and accepting this has been a significant step forward for me. There’s more, but I’ll blog about it another time. The fog is closing in, and I have more to do today…

I know I’ll get better. I’m taking B12 and iron if it’s anaemia. If the fatigue is due to long COVID and/or perimenopause, things will also improve in time. I just have to learn to pace myself and not overdo things on a day when I have lots of energy (or when I’m masking my tiredness to interact with others). This is most definitely a work in progress.

Also, I’ve realised that I must draw designs/sketches before inking in digitally. My mind just can’t adapt to drawing entirely digitally. On paper, I quickly have an overview of the whole design and how it will appear to others’ eyes, too. I don’t get that sense digitally. So, I think that tradigital is a way for me to work – traditional pen drawing with digital colouring.

There is one exception to this, however. That is the drawing of geometric designs such as tiles and mandalas. I seem to be able to do them so much more easily digitally as I can concentrate on the lines and shapes I’m drawing rather than focusing on the maths and measurements.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been getting used to my XPPen Magic Drawing Pad for drawing mandalas and adding colour. I’ve found that I like Sketchbook and ClipStudio Paint for designing and adding colour.

I really had hoped that the Magic Drawing Pad (an Android tablet that has a paper-like screen and the ability to draw smoothly accurately and with large artwork) would make it possible for me to use it instead of a paper sketchbook. I’ve tried so hard, but my brain just won’t adjust. C’est la vie!