Mandala for 14th August 2025

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I had a hankering to draw a mandala today. That involves me using Clip Studio Paint. I’ve not drawn a mandala for what seems like an age; also, I’ve not used Clip Studio Paint for an age as well.

Drawing mandalas has always been very relaxing for me, especially when drawing digitally. Digital art takes away my frustration of making mistakes, so I can just focus on the process. Yes, it does save time. Yes it does create perfection of symmetry. However, I have my brushes set up so that imperfections in my lines are left, trying to give a more human feel.

I also find adding colour frustrating; especially when using traditional media, unless I use a very limited colour palette for anything that isn’t whimsically cute, kawaii or whimsically creepy. Then, it’s bright (or sometimes vintage) colours all the way.

Digital colouring lets me work with colour without fretting about my choices. I can use colour palettes I already know work. Or, if I’m not happy, I can change the colours easily enough.

Adding shadow and highlights, though imperfectly executed in my case, is so much easier and being able to erase and do-over with the use of layers is an epic thing!

I’d forgotten how relaxing creating mandalas can be, and I’m so glad I decided to create one today! I’m sure there’ll be more.

I’m likely to release the lineart for this mandala as a colouring template. Maybe not today – I overdid the being with people kind of stuff over the last couple of weeks. To say my senses, brain and emotions have been totally overwhelmed is possibly an understatement. My brain (mind) has felt like very thick, very gloopy soup.

Most days of the past fortnight or so, I’ve not had enough energy to do much. If I journal, I may not do any art that day. Somedays, all I’ve been able to do is listen to stories, nap, and not do much more. I’m embarrassed about the sorry state of my kitchen; the piles of dishes needing washing is testament to just how little energy I’ve had to do anything.

One of the joys of autistic overwhelm/shutdown/burnout.

I also have to say that the constant overly hot weather isn’t helping. I have a very narrow range of temperatures that I’m comfortable at – approx 8ºC to 18ºC. Any colder, I wrap up and nest in blankies. Any more and I’m so uncomfortable in my body…

It’s an autistic sensory trait. I’ve always been the same. I’ve often considered emigrating to Iceland, if they’d have me, and if I had enough monetary funds to do so. Not only are the temperatures there suitable for me, they have volcanoes, earthquakes, geothermal energy, and the aurora borealis as well as a tectonic plate boundary running through the country! The history is fantastic, as is the mythology … who knows what the future may bring!

So, I think I’ll get another large glass of water, and maybe start another mandala, or work on adding some details to the one above – textures and patterns perhaps. I’ll consider it for sure.

A bit of art and a bit of a catch up

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The art…

I completed this last month, but decided to add some colour to the open spaces (and some other bits) just to see what happens.

I’m not entirely sure about the result. I need to sit with it for a while. Looking at it now, part of me thinks I should have added the colour to the whole drawing; this drawing is more than a tad ‘bitty’ in terms of open space. I may need to plan an open space. One I can add colour to and the rest of the design flows around it. I’ll keep that in mind as I continue to create stuff.

The other stuff…

Nidificate means nest building. I nest, kind of. I have spaces in my home where I can cwtch up, feel comfortable and safe.

I love my day bed sofa downstairs; it’s wide enough for me to pull my knees up to my chest and put my feet on the bed. The day bed sofa is also big enough for me to have a small hoard of arty materials near by, as well as blankies anda weighted koala plushie when I need to feel the weight of a hug. I tidy up if I have a visitor, which is rarely as my home is my safe space, as cluttered and disorganised as it can be. I really can relax and recover here.

Lately, I’ve needed a LOT of alone time, sleep and gentle activities. There’s been way too much time with people and places where there’s too much going on.

I’ve reeled from an experience on Monday that led to a shutdown bordering on meltdown on top of a big attack of the gloomies after a busy week with various social events.

Monday morning, I went into town to pick up a new pair of glasses from the opticians. That was ok. I had my ear clips and music on as I navigated the town; music helps to create a ward of safety around me. I can see people, but I don’t hear sudden noises and screeches and shouts. My choice was Imagine Dragons Radio on Spotify. Anyhoo. The trip to the opticians and back to my car was just fine. No problems at all. But…

… I decided to go to a cafe I like, by myself, for a very late breakfast/brunch. Hindsight is a wonderful thing as i shouldn’t have done so.

Anyhoo, The cafe was busy. Really busy as local workers were coming in to pick up their takeaway lunches. I ordered, paid and found a seat. Put my earclips and music back on to make all the noise face away. Then, I reached for my sketchbook and pens and started to draw while I waited for my order. Naturally, I lost track of time… and when I realised how long I’d been waiting I asked someone about my order. They said they’d made the iced latte but had thrown it out because no on claimed it. I explained I’d had music on and didn’t hear it. They said they’d make me another. I said it’s OK, I have to go. So I got up and left, practically crying and wanting to go home, curl up and, metaphorically not actually, die.

I did consider going to another cafe. And knew I couldn’t. I was on the verge of a shutdown, or in the throes of one. I’m not sure as I was by myself Home and my safe ‘nests’ were very much needed.

Now, you may think this was daft thing to do. Yes, I agree with you. This, on top of the constant gloomies and frayed emotions and nerves of the past couple of weeks, just pulled a cPTSD trigger. related to being ignored, forgotten, left out. Which is bloody ridiculous, until you understand that I have no control over these triggers. None whatsoever. All I can do is to look after myself until I recover, which can take days, maybe weeks.

I’ve been able to journal and work through the triggers and give myself time and space to recover. However, some interesting things came up.

I now realise I need to let the staff know that I’ll have noise cancelling ear clips in as my autistic self needs sounds that are under my control. So, they’ll need to find me rather than shout out.as I won’t hear them. It’s not like I’m difficult to spot. I’m 5’10” tall in my bare feet and definitely not a thin person. I’m also positive I was the only person there who had a hair stick holding my hair up.

I also realised that this has thrown my confidence in going to a cafe by myself out of the proverbial window. Familiar places can be safe spaces for me to go. But not at this time.

I’m a contradiction. Let me explain. If I’m with someone I trust, I can cope so much better, or at least I seem to. I seem to be braver, stronger. I say seem to as I don’t know how much of a mask it is. And masking is, in itself, tiring.

So, all this has had me in a bit of a shutdown, overwhelmed, mentally tired and emotionally gloomy state. I find it hard to concentrate, wanting to curl up and sleep a lot. I am seriously beginning to identify with the Shadow King, though I’m vegetarian so spiced pork buns are not my thing!

Lines of Expression

Angela Porter2 Comments

Yes, a different title for this blog. Lines of Expression. Let me explain.

A couple of weeks ago I spent some time journaling about the art I was creating and how it’s one way I can express myself in terms of the lines and patterns and forms that help me to recover from autistic overwhelm and burnout.

As much as I love creepy cute art (and I really, really do), it really doesn’t hit the mark as well as my more abstract pen and ink work, whether left in black and white or with colour added.

Working intuitively, using line shapes, patterns, textures and motifs that delight my senses – touch, sight, sound, muscle movement, and the way all of these things make my mind, my awareness become fascinated and delighted by what is being drawn.

I never know what’s going to appear on my paper. Everything flows as a kind of dance. Perhaps it’s my version of improvised jazz where the musician works within a tonal scale without defined form and weaves a melody that feels like an exploration of a labyrinth where the exit has to be found through unexpected twists and turns. I’m not sure if that’s a correct, or even coherent, description. But it’s kinda how I feel as I create.

I always get to at least one part where I can’t see where to go next, where I feel stuck and disappointed in my work. A break from the art, a little bit of distance, and then on the return lines flow once again, starting to lead the melody and rhythm of the lines to the end.

My art is one way I express my inner self. The self that is still masked. The self that finds it hard to communicate in words.

My art is a conversation between the paper and pen and my heart, mind and soul. The many things I’ve observed that fascinate me find their way into my art, albeit in stylised forms at times. Not just line shapes, shapes, motifs, patterns and textures; but also flowers, Celtic/Anglo-Saxon/Medieval manuscripts, architecture, shells, fossils, rocks/geology, foliage, Meso-American, and so much more.

Everything, including the variations in line weight, the inclusion of empty space as a landing place for the eye to rest (or a drawing with little empty space in it), the rhythm of lines etc, cross hatching, stippling, shading and colour, are all part of my self-expression at that time.

Each drawing is a story of how I feel at anyone time, which is often complex or not easily recognised by my autistic senses. So I express what’s going on in my own way, even if you can’t see the distress, upset, loneliness, exhaustion, contentment, joy, fascination, delight, and more in it. It’s me in a way that the creepy cute isn’t.

Creepy cute makes me smile and giggle, but it doesn’t reach as deep into me as my more abstract stuff. Like these two above. Different, yet inspiration has come from the same source within me.

Back again …. Autistic Burnout is real… and a bummer!

Angela Porter3 Comments

It’s been a while, again…

Learning how to navigate life as an autistic person. Doing my best to do what I have to do. Being with people I like is great, but it’s draining. I can be totally bushwhacked for a day or several. I can focus on drawing, but on writing a blog, holding a conversation, live streaming drawing and chatting on YouTube can be just too much.

When I’m burned out, the imposter syndrome weighs heavy on me, despite all the evidence to the contrary. A life time of being told I’m weird, difficult, histrionic, not good enough, not liked can bubble upwards, along with the feeling of being totally alone in life.

I’m not alone. I do choose to be solitary a lot of the time as it leaves me with the energy to join in with others, to do errands and tasks. Learning at my age of 62 that this is now abso-blooming-lutely necessary isn’t easy. It’s learning what lies beneath the lifetime of masking, the constant pushing to fit in and be as ‘productive’ as others, being told I’m selfish for needing time to myself, that I’m no fun. Over six decades … it’s not undone in a year or two.

Fortunately, I did go through several years of EMDR and Somatic therapy for cPTSD which helped me heal and release a lot of the trauma of my past.

But on some days, days where I don’t have the energy of mental focus to still the nagging messages learned from others in the past, they can overwhelm at times. And that can make it harder to recover.

The one thing that helps is drawing. Some days it can be too hard to do even that, everything is fraught with frustration, a lack of motivation, an inability to do anything at all. Most days I can find at least a little time to create.

And on those days, if I venture into the world to run an errand, attend an appointment, keep a commitment I have to keep, the mask is put back on. The mask that tries to let people know I’m ok, even though every part of me is overwhelmed by the lights, sounds, smells, the press of people, the hustle and bustle, the unfamiliarity of a new place (or even an old place if things have been rearranged/altered). The effort of trying to listen to the person talking to me when all around me is a cacophony of other voices, sounds, smells and more.

But there’s always the nap to look forward to…

And then some drawing or adding colour or shading…

Or just some cozy time with Stardew Valley…

All in the safe space of my home, as imperfect as it is. But it’s home, where I can relax as fully as I can and just continue learning more about me without the masking.

I know it’s hard for so many neurotypical people to not understand or get this. But putting my experiences as an autistic person ‘out there’ may help people to understand this – if you meet me I may seem a little ‘eccentric’ but seem to have it all together, to have the proverbial ducks in row. However what’s going on beneath the surface is a whole lot of stuff that isn’t visible, nor shared for fear of being called ‘attention seeking’ or ‘too much’ or ‘making it all about yourself again’. I use so much energy to keep it together for as long as I need to … but the aftermath….

The days of sleeping 12 or more hours, the inability to cook, washup, bathe, do some laundry, tidy-up, focus on anything other than gentle stories or games, of avoiding social contact…of existing in one corner of my daybed, scrunched up with a drawing board on my legs, drawing in spurts…. of not realising I need to drink and eat as I don’t recognise I’m hungry/thirsty…of finding it hard to get up and go to bed to sleep because I just can’t make that transition..

The Art…

And yet, throughout this, I draw, I create, I seek out images that make me smile and interest my creative mind. I can question what my artistic voice is. I seem to fall back on old, familiar styles of art, like in the image above.

The old, familiar styles bring soothing to my overly frazzled senses. The way my muscles and mind flow with the curves, the intricacy of patterns, the playing with shadow and light. The way I feel the movement of the shapes of lines in my mind and the delight that brings.

I’m aphantasic; I don’t have a visual imagination. However, I do feel the shape or line I’d like to draw, The patterns come instinctively, mostly.

Colour is a frustration, especially if I use lots of colours. The drawing feels … too much … too disjointed … incoherent…

In the drawing at the start of this blog, I used just two colours of Ohuhu markers – R15 Lychee Juice and E610 LIght Mahogany.

They didn’t really blend too well together – the Mahogany was just too saturated and dark. I used a graphite pencil to add more shading, which helped to bring things together. And this time, I was sparing with the white gel pen dotty highlights.

And I’m actually happy with how this one turned out! It seems a simple colour scheme is the way to go for me! What do you think?

All I have to do is to remember this – to keep the colours simple, a light and dark colour that blend well, graphite pencil, or chalk pastel pencil to add shadow and white gel pen to add highlights (though I may try a white charcoal pencil to see how that works out too).

Shadow and light. Depth and dimension. Giving a 3D quality to my work. Severely limiting my colour choice… I always return to this. But when I have a big selection of colours … I have to learn it’s OK to use just two…one for the dark and one for the light, with white pen/charcoal/ for highlights and graphite/pastel pencils for shadow. Now all I have to do is remember this! Possibly easier said than done!

New Year Colouring Pages and an Autistic Artist Speaks Out

Angela Porter2 Comments

Gosh, it’s nearly the end of another year.

Two New Year colouring pages are available in the https://www.facebook.com/groups/angelaporterscoloringbookfans

A little bit creepy-cute, a little bit of a different style from me – less ‘perfect’, more expressive, maybe. But always fun!

Drawing is something that brings me peace, contentment, joy and, when this kind of drawing is done, giggles!

However, I’ve learned recently that I can still provoke autistic burnout by losing myself in the art for hours and hours and hours over a few days. I forget that even my joy can end up in that kind of burnout that exhausts me mentally and emotionally.

I am trying to learn, but when I become time-blind, so lost in the creative process … looking after myself is so forgotten. It not just results in exhaustion, emotional dips towards darkness, but IBS flare ups too.

As I’m becoming more aware of my autistic traits and challenges, I’m finding out I really am not good at taking care of myself, of how burnout means I can put aside projects and tasks and never return to them.

I’ve known for a long time, I’m so much better if body-doubling or collaboration with someone who will gently help me stay on task while giving me the space I need to recover. Organisation, prioritising tasks, misinterpreting what is asked (or even not understanding the request as it’s not expressed clearly) is something I have struggled with throughout my life and how the two extended periods of depression and anxiety at the end of my teaching career were largely autistic burnouts complicated by CPTSD from a lifetime of being vulnerable and ‘different’.

At the moment, 14 hours of sleep a day is not unusual. Neither is remaining at home, in my safe sanctuary so I don’t add to the burnout.

These are all things that are hidden complications of autism. Not weakness. Not broken mind and emotions.

They are the struggles of daily life that are hidden behind the mask of coping and smiling and trying to fit in.

I speak openly about my autism these days, to help people understand that what you see in terms of behaviour – burnouts, breakdowns, meltdowns, hiding away from the world outside, stimming, and more, are the result of trying to live in a world that is just goddam too overwhelming and after 60 odd years of thinking I was broken, incapable, a problem, difficult, prey for those who need a victim to blame, I’ve had enough. And I hope that others who struggle like me, neurodivergent or not, may take some comfort, maybe inspiration from me, and permission to learn to be who they truly are (as I am trying to do, trying to raise the mask to show what has been hidden all this time) and to know that they are, as they are, enough, indeed good enough and are valuable members of society, regardless of their earning potential for the machinery of capitalism.

I am autistic. I am an autistic artist, scientist, sometimes writer and I am not ashamed of this at all.

#autistic #autisticartist #autisticcreative #autismawareness #AngelaPorter #Artwyrd

Tuesday Testing… Shading

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In my last blog, I mentioned I’d like to add shadows with alcohol markers on top of the Distress Ink background of a test drawing. This is the result!

I think it’s worked out well – what do you think?

Alcohol markers don’t cause the Distress Ink to move, they just add to the colour by adding a translucent layer. The texture of the Distress Ink background remains, which makes me happy.

The markers give a very distinct edge, even when I tried adding colour with a flicking motion. However, as I added texture patterns  using black and white pens, the jarring feel of the shadow edge softened…a LOT!

I love how the white glows. I think I’d like to use gold or silver ink as an alternative.

I did say I’d like to leave more open space in the design …it didn’t happen. It’s time for me to accept that whatever flows from my pen, plenty of open space or not, it’s what is meant to be. I can bring elements of the drawing to the front with white, and send others toward the back with shadow.

The hardest thing, though, is to remember these insights and remember them going forward.

Monday, Monday….

Angela Porter1 Comment

It’s been a couple of weeks…again. Same old struggle with autistic burnout causing fatigue and limited brain bandwidth.

I have, however, been indulging in art, and this is my latest art. Abstract. Organic. Black and white pens on a colourful Distress Ink background.

The result in me? A feeling of exhaling stress, a smile, a mind and body more at ease. From the flow-ful nature of the lines that are a sensory delight. Of being in a meditative flow state. Of the delight and surprise at what appears on the page as I work intuitively in this meditative flow.

Adding base colours to the page really feels the right thing to do, moreso than adding colour to a black and white drawing. I can focus on the dark structural lines, the textures that add contrast,and the bright highlights.

I’m not sure if I need to add shadows; I’ll sit with this for a while and see how I feel. Part of me is fearful of messing it up, but part of me would like to add volume with shadow.

Maybe I’ll try out some alcohol marker shading on another drawing I feel less precious about; a drawing on a Distress Ink background too. Just to see what happens if I use grey or coloured markers to add shade. In fact, that seems like a darn good idea!

Off to draw some more stuff! This time so I can experiment with shading!

Rainy, grey Monday afternoon…

Angela Porter1 Comment

It is damp and dismal here in the Valleys of South Wales, UK. There’s a misty/foggy feeling to the view from my window which hides much of the glorious autumnal colours. A wind waves branches and leaves and I’m grateful to be safe, dry and warm at home. A spotify playlist is gently playing through my Huawei Free Clips as gently potter around taking photos and panicking about what to write about today.

Let’s start with my current works in progress (WIPs)…

Yesterday I started on this one in a YouTube livestream. Just like what to write about in this blog, I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do! Well, apart from adding some distress inks to colour the white paper! Evergreen Bough, Peeled Paint and Aged Mahogany. Not as pale as they appear in the video/photo. But dark enough to ‘break’ the blank, white page.

The paper is half letter size and I’m using it in landscape; it’s much easier for me to use when videoing and I’m less likely to go out of view. I get so engrossed in the process of drawing I forget to check in still in frame. But hopefully I’m forgiven by the viewers.

All I wanted to do was to relax and enjoy the process of drawing and to try to limit myself to a small number of motifs and patterns. This is something I’d like to continue to do going forward…but who knows what I’m likely to do next. For now this works for me.

This one is something I’m working on away from the cameras. I’m using a letter-sized piece of paper and, again, a limited number of patterns/motifs. I’m using 0.5 and 0.3 Unipin fineliners as I find I really do like bolder lines. If I use finer pens it never feels right to me, and I think I have to learn to trust my own instincts and tastes a lot more.

It seems I’m also returning to not leaving much in the way of white space…but I think that’s more to do with the style of the art I’m creating.

What I do know now is that I’m feeling brain tired and need to nap before my meditation class this evening otherwise I’ll be good for nothing in leading the meditation.

Updates – 2nd November 2025

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Hello There!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? The reason? I’ve been finding it difficult to manage my various autistic batteries viz. social, sensory, interoception difficulties and masking. That results in my mind ‘short circuiting’ and I find myself mentally tired, and unable to speak, listen or do much. When this happens, my mind and senses are just so tired that I need a lot of alone time, sleep, and activities that soothe me.

Add to the mix that menopause has hit and it has all intensified so much, especially with all the ways that the hormonal levels have changed.

So, I’ve not had the mental capacity to write blogs, post art or just do more than draw from time to time, listen to TV/Podcasts that don’t cause a drain on my resources, and sleep a lot. Oh, and StarDew Valley!

I’ve felt that I’m permanently on the edge of a shutdown, heading to a burnout all the time. I recover somewhat in a day or three, but then I end up draining the batteries again.

The odd thing, or perhaps not so odd thing, is that when I’m with people and and getting towards overwhelm, I’m discovering stims I never knew I had, particularly when I’m with people in person. That is interesting to me, as is the realisation they’re helping me cope with things so I can finish the event.

The hardest challenge for me is learning to manage my energy and remembering that ‘NO is a sentence’. One of my problems through life has been being a people-pleaser; another autistic trait. Using ‘no’ and not feeling guilty is really difficult, but I will get there… perhaps!

Three Pen and Ink Drawings

I read a book – “Draw Tiny and Make Great Art!” by Anna Tjalsma-Pogorzelec (@Licosmoss). It helped me to rediscover my love of drawing small motifs and patterns and weaving intricate drawings – the type of art that got me noticed and led to me working as an adult colouring book artist.

Over time, however, the requests from publishers was to be less intricate, larger motifs and characters, and though I enjoyed the work, I lost my connection with my love of intricacy.

I’ve rediscovered it and the three drawings at the top of this post are my latest versions. There’s a bit of creepy cute going on for Hallowe’en (one of my favourite times of the year!). But there’s also botanicals and my beloved arches that I don’t draw often now.

I smiled and giggled as I drew these drawings, something I’ve lost overtime as things got all too serious in some ways.

So, another thing I need to do is try to be true to myself as much as possible. Draw in ways that allow my arty heart to sing it’s song of creativity. Create work that makes me smile, and then share the joy with others.

This world needs more whimsy, smiles, and joy, and if my art contributes to that even just a smidgen then I’ve done something positive as an artist.

Inktober Tangles 2025

I did complete Inktober Tangles 2025! I did so in seven livestreams on YouTube. You can find the videos in the live section of my channel.

I really enjoyed the challenge, which I always seem to do as an exploration of each pattern, looking for variations and working with them.

I also have found that ‘going live’ is really good for me. I can get a video done when I have the mental/emotional energy and focus without the adding drain of editing and so on. It’s also nice to have some interaction with people who message in the chat during the livestream.

Creating content by livestreams isn’t as draining for me as you might think, given my comments above. I’m in my safe, quiet home. I’m essentially chatting about the art, things that are going through my mind as I draw. There’s not much noise going on around me (though at the moment noisy, bangy fireworks are going off…again) and I don’t get so drained. Even if I feel tired after the livestream, It’s a different kind of tiredness to interacting with people.

So, going forward with YouTube I’m going to focus on livestreams, as impromptu as they may be, as a way of creating content without draining me. Art is one of my passions, sharing my processes and lessons I have/am learning is too. Editing videos really is a real drudge and drain on my resources! Wellbeing boundary set!