autism

Back again …. Autistic Burnout is real… and a bummer!

Angela PorterLeave a comment

It’s been a while, again…

Learning how to navigate life as an autistic person. Doing my best to do what I have to do. Being with people I like is great, but it’s draining. I can be totally bushwhacked for a day or several. I can focus on drawing, but on writing a blog, holding a conversation, live streaming drawing and chatting on YouTube can be just too much.

When I’m burned out, the imposter syndrome weighs heavy on me, despite all the evidence to the contrary. A life time of being told I’m weird, difficult, histrionic, not good enough, not liked can bubble upwards, along with the feeling of being totally alone in life.

I’m not alone. I do choose to be solitary a lot of the time as it leaves me with the energy to join in with others, to do errands and tasks. Learning at my age of 62 that this is now abso-blooming-lutely necessary isn’t easy. It’s learning what lies beneath the lifetime of masking, the constant pushing to fit in and be as ‘productive’ as others, being told I’m selfish for needing time to myself, that I’m no fun. Over six decades … it’s not undone in a year or two.

Fortunately, I did go through several years of EMDR and Somatic therapy for cPTSD which helped me heal and release a lot of the trauma of my past.

But on some days, days where I don’t have the energy of mental focus to still the nagging messages learned from others in the past, they can overwhelm at times. And that can make it harder to recover.

The one thing that helps is drawing. Some days it can be too hard to do even that, everything is fraught with frustration, a lack of motivation, an inability to do anything at all. Most days I can find at least a little time to create.

And on those days, if I venture into the world to run an errand, attend an appointment, keep a commitment I have to keep, the mask is put back on. The mask that tries to let people know I’m ok, even though every part of me is overwhelmed by the lights, sounds, smells, the press of people, the hustle and bustle, the unfamiliarity of a new place (or even an old place if things have been rearranged/altered). The effort of trying to listen to the person talking to me when all around me is a cacophony of other voices, sounds, smells and more.

But there’s always the nap to look forward to…

And then some drawing or adding colour or shading…

Or just some cozy time with Stardew Valley…

All in the safe space of my home, as imperfect as it is. But it’s home, where I can relax as fully as I can and just continue learning more about me without the masking.

I know it’s hard for so many neurotypical people to not understand or get this. But putting my experiences as an autistic person ‘out there’ may help people to understand this – if you meet me I may seem a little ‘eccentric’ but seem to have it all together, to have the proverbial ducks in row. However what’s going on beneath the surface is a whole lot of stuff that isn’t visible, nor shared for fear of being called ‘attention seeking’ or ‘too much’ or ‘making it all about yourself again’. I use so much energy to keep it together for as long as I need to … but the aftermath….

The days of sleeping 12 or more hours, the inability to cook, washup, bathe, do some laundry, tidy-up, focus on anything other than gentle stories or games, of avoiding social contact…of existing in one corner of my daybed, scrunched up with a drawing board on my legs, drawing in spurts…. of not realising I need to drink and eat as I don’t recognise I’m hungry/thirsty…of finding it hard to get up and go to bed to sleep because I just can’t make that transition..

The Art…

And yet, throughout this, I draw, I create, I seek out images that make me smile and interest my creative mind. I can question what my artistic voice is. I seem to fall back on old, familiar styles of art, like in the image above.

The old, familiar styles bring soothing to my overly frazzled senses. The way my muscles and mind flow with the curves, the intricacy of patterns, the playing with shadow and light. The way I feel the movement of the shapes of lines in my mind and the delight that brings.

I’m aphantasic; I don’t have a visual imagination. However, I do feel the shape or line I’d like to draw, The patterns come instinctively, mostly.

Colour is a frustration, especially if I use lots of colours. The drawing feels … too much … too disjointed … incoherent…

In the drawing at the start of this blog, I used just two colours of Ohuhu markers – R15 Lychee Juice and E610 LIght Mahogany.

They didn’t really blend too well together – the Mahogany was just too saturated and dark. I used a graphite pencil to add more shading, which helped to bring things together. And this time, I was sparing with the white gel pen dotty highlights.

And I’m actually happy with how this one turned out! It seems a simple colour scheme is the way to go for me! What do you think?

All I have to do is to remember this – to keep the colours simple, a light and dark colour that blend well, graphite pencil, or chalk pastel pencil to add shadow and white gel pen to add highlights (though I may try a white charcoal pencil to see how that works out too).

Shadow and light. Depth and dimension. Giving a 3D quality to my work. Severely limiting my colour choice… I always return to this. But when I have a big selection of colours … I have to learn it’s OK to use just two…one for the dark and one for the light, with white pen/charcoal/ for highlights and graphite/pastel pencils for shadow. Now all I have to do is remember this! Possibly easier said than done!

New Year Colouring Pages and an Autistic Artist Speaks Out

Angela Porter2 Comments

Gosh, it’s nearly the end of another year.

Two New Year colouring pages are available in the https://www.facebook.com/groups/angelaporterscoloringbookfans

A little bit creepy-cute, a little bit of a different style from me – less ‘perfect’, more expressive, maybe. But always fun!

Drawing is something that brings me peace, contentment, joy and, when this kind of drawing is done, giggles!

However, I’ve learned recently that I can still provoke autistic burnout by losing myself in the art for hours and hours and hours over a few days. I forget that even my joy can end up in that kind of burnout that exhausts me mentally and emotionally.

I am trying to learn, but when I become time-blind, so lost in the creative process … looking after myself is so forgotten. It not just results in exhaustion, emotional dips towards darkness, but IBS flare ups too.

As I’m becoming more aware of my autistic traits and challenges, I’m finding out I really am not good at taking care of myself, of how burnout means I can put aside projects and tasks and never return to them.

I’ve known for a long time, I’m so much better if body-doubling or collaboration with someone who will gently help me stay on task while giving me the space I need to recover. Organisation, prioritising tasks, misinterpreting what is asked (or even not understanding the request as it’s not expressed clearly) is something I have struggled with throughout my life and how the two extended periods of depression and anxiety at the end of my teaching career were largely autistic burnouts complicated by CPTSD from a lifetime of being vulnerable and ‘different’.

At the moment, 14 hours of sleep a day is not unusual. Neither is remaining at home, in my safe sanctuary so I don’t add to the burnout.

These are all things that are hidden complications of autism. Not weakness. Not broken mind and emotions.

They are the struggles of daily life that are hidden behind the mask of coping and smiling and trying to fit in.

I speak openly about my autism these days, to help people understand that what you see in terms of behaviour – burnouts, breakdowns, meltdowns, hiding away from the world outside, stimming, and more, are the result of trying to live in a world that is just goddam too overwhelming and after 60 odd years of thinking I was broken, incapable, a problem, difficult, prey for those who need a victim to blame, I’ve had enough. And I hope that others who struggle like me, neurodivergent or not, may take some comfort, maybe inspiration from me, and permission to learn to be who they truly are (as I am trying to do, trying to raise the mask to show what has been hidden all this time) and to know that they are, as they are, enough, indeed good enough and are valuable members of society, regardless of their earning potential for the machinery of capitalism.

I am autistic. I am an autistic artist, scientist, sometimes writer and I am not ashamed of this at all.

#autistic #autisticartist #autisticcreative #autismawareness #AngelaPorter #Artwyrd

Updates – 2nd November 2025

Angela PorterLeave a comment

Hello There!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? The reason? I’ve been finding it difficult to manage my various autistic batteries viz. social, sensory, interoception difficulties and masking. That results in my mind ‘short circuiting’ and I find myself mentally tired, and unable to speak, listen or do much. When this happens, my mind and senses are just so tired that I need a lot of alone time, sleep, and activities that soothe me.

Add to the mix that menopause has hit and it has all intensified so much, especially with all the ways that the hormonal levels have changed.

So, I’ve not had the mental capacity to write blogs, post art or just do more than draw from time to time, listen to TV/Podcasts that don’t cause a drain on my resources, and sleep a lot. Oh, and StarDew Valley!

I’ve felt that I’m permanently on the edge of a shutdown, heading to a burnout all the time. I recover somewhat in a day or three, but then I end up draining the batteries again.

The odd thing, or perhaps not so odd thing, is that when I’m with people and and getting towards overwhelm, I’m discovering stims I never knew I had, particularly when I’m with people in person. That is interesting to me, as is the realisation they’re helping me cope with things so I can finish the event.

The hardest challenge for me is learning to manage my energy and remembering that ‘NO is a sentence’. One of my problems through life has been being a people-pleaser; another autistic trait. Using ‘no’ and not feeling guilty is really difficult, but I will get there… perhaps!

Three Pen and Ink Drawings

I read a book – “Draw Tiny and Make Great Art!” by Anna Tjalsma-Pogorzelec (@Licosmoss). It helped me to rediscover my love of drawing small motifs and patterns and weaving intricate drawings – the type of art that got me noticed and led to me working as an adult colouring book artist.

Over time, however, the requests from publishers was to be less intricate, larger motifs and characters, and though I enjoyed the work, I lost my connection with my love of intricacy.

I’ve rediscovered it and the three drawings at the top of this post are my latest versions. There’s a bit of creepy cute going on for Hallowe’en (one of my favourite times of the year!). But there’s also botanicals and my beloved arches that I don’t draw often now.

I smiled and giggled as I drew these drawings, something I’ve lost overtime as things got all too serious in some ways.

So, another thing I need to do is try to be true to myself as much as possible. Draw in ways that allow my arty heart to sing it’s song of creativity. Create work that makes me smile, and then share the joy with others.

This world needs more whimsy, smiles, and joy, and if my art contributes to that even just a smidgen then I’ve done something positive as an artist.

Inktober Tangles 2025

I did complete Inktober Tangles 2025! I did so in seven livestreams on YouTube. You can find the videos in the live section of my channel.

I really enjoyed the challenge, which I always seem to do as an exploration of each pattern, looking for variations and working with them.

I also have found that ‘going live’ is really good for me. I can get a video done when I have the mental/emotional energy and focus without the adding drain of editing and so on. It’s also nice to have some interaction with people who message in the chat during the livestream.

Creating content by livestreams isn’t as draining for me as you might think, given my comments above. I’m in my safe, quiet home. I’m essentially chatting about the art, things that are going through my mind as I draw. There’s not much noise going on around me (though at the moment noisy, bangy fireworks are going off…again) and I don’t get so drained. Even if I feel tired after the livestream, It’s a different kind of tiredness to interacting with people.

So, going forward with YouTube I’m going to focus on livestreams, as impromptu as they may be, as a way of creating content without draining me. Art is one of my passions, sharing my processes and lessons I have/am learning is too. Editing videos really is a real drudge and drain on my resources! Wellbeing boundary set!