Artist

Friday work in progress

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The artwork

Started yesterday evening, worked on during my hours of mid-night waking, and on waking this morning, this measures 21 cm x 21 cm (approx 8.25″ x 8.25″) The paper is natural coloured Claire Fontaine Paint-On mixed media paper coloured with Aged Mahogany Distress Ink. The design is being drawn with a mix of 03 Unipin and 01 Sakura Micron pens.

I’m using a mixture of Stadedtler Triplus and Chameleon Fineliner pens to add colour to the design, along with a barely damp waterbrush to spread the colour out. Interestingly, some of the colour lines added remain visible, to a greater or lesser extent, depending on how much I work the colour with the waterbrush. Also, I’m finding that I really enjoy adding colour and texture like this.

The finishing bright white highlights are added using a Sakura Gelly Roll pen.

I find the fineliners used in this way give me much greater control over how much the colour spreads in the small areas in my drawing. They also don’t spread as much as, say, Tombow Dual Brush pens or Inktense pencils. That helps to control the spread of colour too.

I rather like the vintage-y look that the palette of browns and olive greens confers on the design, helped along by the background colour and texture of the paper.

Oh, I do intend to leave a ‘hole’ in this first layer of designs. I’m not sure I’ll do inside the space; a quote, more layers of design. For now I’m not sure. But once this first layer is done, I can scan it in and use it in different ways digitally.

There are lots of my favourite motifs appearing in this one, rather organic ones for the most part. What will appear from the tip of my pen in the rest of the design? I don’t know yet! It could be more of the same, or not. All I know is that the intricacy, detail and revisiting old favourite motifs is making my arty crafty heart smile.

Cognitive dissonance

“The state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change.”

Finally, the penny dropped as to why I’m feeling so out of sorts. Oddly, it was while I was listening to a documentary about the cult NXIVM as I was drawing during the stupid o’clock hours of drawing. Don’t worry, I’m not a member of a cult! However cognitive dissonance was mentioned and that was the ‘ta-da!’ moment for me.

Cognitive dissonance causes emotional distress related to holding contradictory beliefs or values. I’ve experienced this before during breakthrough moments in therapy where I’ve had to accept that I was a victim of trauma, that I really do have CPTSD and I’m not (as my mother would tell me) making it up, for example.

I’m poised on a knife edge, wanting to make a decision to leave something, but feeling guilty about thinking that way. I need to find a way to find some clarity to help me make that decision, and it has to do with my core values and beliefs.

Recognising this doesn’t make me feel any better, but it helps me understand what is going on, and that understanding will help me work my way through it! Making a decision won’t make it any easier for me to act upon it as there’ll be a lot of guilt and the old reactive feeling of believing I’m letting other people down.

However, I can’t put other people ahead of my own mental and emotional well-being. It’s never been easy for me to say ‘no’ to people, to leave organisations or people who are contributing to emotional and mental distress in myself. But I have done so occasionally, more so in the last year or two. And I will do so this time if it’s what I need to do to find that sense of balance, harmony, peace in myself once again.

Template Thursday

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It seems like both an age and no time at all since last week’s coloring page / coloring template for the Angela Porter’s Coloring Book Fans facebook group.

This week’s offering is a mandala. I always find mandalas soothing to draw and colour. The circular form and repetitive nature are beguiling, relaxing, soothing and magical in some way.

This week’s is quite simple, as colouring templates need to be. It’s also quite botanical in nature. The colour palette I’ve chosen is full of sunshine, growth, peace, harmony and self-care. I haven’t quite finished colouring it, but that’s fine. It did what it needed to do for me.

I’m well out of sorts today. I really didn’t want to get out of bed. But I did, and showered.

I know what’s causing my emotional and mental turmoil at the moment. I just can’t seem to actually act to bring that to an end. Guilt, grief, and other emotions are causing me problems. I know I’ll act when I’m ready to do so, but it’s so difficult to let go. But I need to do so for my own emotional and mental well being.

Talking of emotional and mental well being, today is Time to Talk Day. It’s a day where Time to Talk Wales, along with sister organisations, encourage everyone to have a conversation about mental and emotional health. All to help to end the stigma and discrimination that exists around mental health.

This year’s theme is ‘Small things’. I’ve written on facebook about three small conversations I had that have led to me healing from complex post traumatic stress disorder. Not completely. I’m not sure you can completely heal as part of surviving complex trauma is hiding that trauma deep inside. I am, however, healed enough. I’m just waiting for the lockdown to end so I can start pushing my boundaries a bit.

Anyway, I’m going to finish all the social media stuff now and then I’ll be returning to arty pursuits. Maybe a nap too as I’m feeling so tired today. Emotional turmoil exhausts me. Also, sleep is one of my coping strategies when I’m stressed out in some way.

Art is …

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…but dirtying the paper delicately” – Ruskin

Note to self : Use a paper size that fits the scanner bed, or leave slightly larger margins.

I found this delightful quote by Ruskin yesterday and knew I wanted to use it in a drawing. So I did. Some of my favourite motifs, and some I don’t often use.

For this one, I used Strathmore smooth Bristol paper and as I cut it down into a square shape, I forgot that the width was too big to fit my scanner.

Anyway, I used bundled sage Distress ink to colour the paper before setting to it with Uniball Unipin pens. I’ve not added any shadow/highlights yet.

I’m fairly pleased with the vast majority of this drawing. There are bits at the bottom right I’m not happy with. However, shadows and highlights may help to sort that out.

A well read woman …

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… is a dangerous creature.

Another entangled/zentangle style drawing. 21cm x 21cm square piece of Claire-Fontaine Paint-on mixed media paper coloured with rusty hinge distress ink (I think). Drawing done with a mixture of 03 Uniball Unipin and 01 Sakura Micron pens. Shading is in the process of being added with a deep red-violet Carbothello pastel pencil and a blending stump.

I think I’ll need to use a darker colour to really bring out the edges of layers as well and to help to separate each area of the design. I also have a hankering to add some gold to this one. I may or may not act on that very tempting idea though. I have a way to go yet before I decide on the final embellishments. White may win out!

This mixed media paper really holds on to the pastel pencil; it’s really difficult to blend out. However, that also gives an interesting finish and stops me from blending it out so much everything looks the same!

This was lovely to do, as art usually is for me. It’s quite different for me and it doesn’t seem to flow as well. Perhaps that’s simply because it didn’t feel like it was flowing as I was drawing it. I started with the large motif of three weird seeds and the ribbon border wrapped partly around it. Not something I would usually do and I think it threw me a little. But it’s done now, and I just keep reminding myself every drawing is an experiment. it’s only some time, paper and ink, so if thing’s don’t work out, nothing much is wasted and new lessons are gained along the way.

What makes your heart sing?

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Lots of things make my heart sing. Doing art, particularly creating intricate, abstract drawings. Music. Nature. Architecture. Patterns. Archaeology. Geology. Astronomy. Stories and films that transport me to somewhere else with characters that feel like friends. Sunrises and sunsets. Birdsong. Tea at just the right temperature to enjoy it fully. Time with friends. Deep conversations about life, the universe and everything. Driving for the sake of driving. And so much more.

In this drawing, I’ve put in some of my favourite motifs and patterns, as well as a bit of (clumsy) hand lettering. I think I’ll be doing some more drawing this afternoon. It’s snowing out and the best place to be is at home, in the warm.

Materials used:
21cm x 21cm piece of Claire Fontaine Paint-On Mixed media paper coloured with Tea Dye Distress Ink
05 and 01 Sakura Pigma Micron pens
04 Sakura Pigma Micron Sensei pen
03 Uniball Unipin pen

Saturday small art

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Here’s a plethora of small drawings I’ve done over the past couple of days when I’ve woken up repeatedly through the night and needed to cool down before I could sleep again..

The various sizes are :
circles – 8.5 cm and 10.5 cm diameter
squares – 7 cm x 7 cm and 7.5 cm x 7.5 cm
rectangles – 12.7 cm x 7.7 cm

Media used :
Sakura pigma micron and sensei pens
Distress Inks to colour the backgrounds
Inktense pencils and Kuretake Zig Clean Colour Real Brush pens – colour spread with a damp brush
Claire Fontaine Mixed Media Paper and St Cuthbert’s Mill Bockingford watercolour paper.

I sure do have a lot of colour, shadow and light to add to these! It takes me a lot longer to add colour and so on than it does to draw them!

Also, I have a larger drawing that is a work in progress. I think I’ll turn my attention to that one for a while.

Be gentle to yourself

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I often say to myself, “Angela, what on earth were you thinking?” This is one of those times.

I started with hand lettering the words. Ok-ish Good enough to mess around with. And mess around them I did – with an “aura” and pattern, then more patterns and repeated motifs … until I’d mostly filled a square sketchbook page.

The drawing was OK. I liked some bits, others I didn’t.

Then, I thought, “What would it look like with colour? Let’s try Inktense and water!”

How often have I mused here about how I struggle with colour? All was going OK-ish with just pinks and greens … and then I added blues and browns…

The geometric pattern at the bottom were colours that didn’t fit well. So, I added watercolours to glaze the colours. Big mistake. I lost any sense of shadow and highlight …

So, I used a white graphite/chalk pencil to try to add the highlights back in …

YEUCH!

So, I put it to one side while I did some other stuff and had lunch.

Then, it caught my eye and with fresh eyes I thought that maybe it’s not as bad as I thought it was .. maybe.

I constantly do this – try to add colour with traditional media and fail. Monochrome seems to work best for me. Monochrome where I can play with shadow and light. Monochrome colours that are added digitally seems to work the best of all.

No matter how often I tell myself this, put notes up to remind me of this, I still insist on trying to use traditional coloured media.

I just think that I hope one day that something will just ‘click’ with me. Today wasn’t that day it seems!

So, back to either white or simple coloured backgrounds, and adding monochrome colours for the sense of dimensionality I like. And I have no hopes that I’ll remember this in a day, a week, or a month or two and I’ll end up asking myself the exact same question; “Angela, what were you thinking?”

The end result may be something I’m unhappy with, but adding colour was enjoyable. I just seem unable to stick to just one or two colours, with variations in their intensity and tone. Then, I descend, bit by bit, into insecurity and self-doubt and incredulity that I did it again!

Ho hum! Not to worry, it’s only pen, paper and some other media. It’s yet another experience to help me, hopefully, learn more and be more comfortable with my artistic style. If we did everything perfectly every time we’d never learn and grow.

So, back to a blank piece of paper with pens I go, and may make some art to remind me, “Angela, monochrome is best!”

Template Thursday

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It’s Thursday again, and that makes it #TemplateThursday.

Each Thursday throughout the pandemic, I’ve created a coloring page / coloring template for the members of the Angela Porter’s Coloring Book Fans facebook group.

This week’s offering, is a geometric pattern, which reflects how drawing more geometric, structured work this week has helped me be contented with my artistic efforts. Something in my heart and soul needed the comfort of the repetition and the delight of symmetry. That led me to really feel the touchstone of contentment within me once again.

So, I thought that others might like such a geometric design.

And there’s so much that can be done with it. Color it as it is. Divide some of the smaller spaces with doodles or zentangle patterns. Look for what hidden patterns you can bring out. Play with light and shadow to add dimension to the design.

I’ve deliberately coloured my version in flat, spring-like colours. Maybe I’ll find time over the week to add more detail to it, and to play with shadow and light as I love to do!

Oh, I drew this on dot grid paper with an 05 Sakura Pigma Micron Pen before scanning in, cleaning up and coloring digitally.

Small, entangled drawings.

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I really needed some structure to my artwork yesterday and early this morning. This kind of work has really hit the mark. The smaller size also meant I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed by the task. The symmetrical nature of the patterns/designs really soothed me. All these things let me find that sense of peace and contentment that I needed from art.

Making square ’tiles’.

I cut some 100% cotton watercolour paper into squares of different sizes, trying to get the most out of each sheet. These squares are either 4½” x 4½” or 3½ x 3½” in size (approx 11.5 cm x 11.5 cm or 9 cm x 9 cm).

Next, I used Tea Dye, Old Paper, Vintage Photo, Rusty Hinge, Gathered Twigs, and Old Burlap Distress Inks to colour the tiles. I used one colour only on each tile. On the watercolour paper the colour wasn’t even, and I really like the aged, distressed look that gives, along with the darker edge.

I set out a net of pencil lines to help keep my designs fairly symmetrical. I did draw the lines free hand rather than using a ruler. The result is perfectly imperfect symmetry. I then set to creating patterns/designs with 05 and 01 black Pigma Micron pens.

Other materials used.

In the bottom left tile, I used Carbothello pencils and a Prismacolor Ebony pencil to add colour and shadow to the design, smoothing them with a paper tortillon.

In some of the other tiles, I used Chameleon and Triplus fineliners to add detailed patterns to the design. A happy accident resulted in me using a waterbrush to see what I could do with it. The ink flowed to colour the space, but the pattern was still visible, but more subtle. I liked the effect! So, I made use of it in the designs.

That led to me experimenting with Inktense pencils and a waterbrush. These pencils are great for adding intense, waterproof colour to areas.

A white gelly roll pen was used to add highlights to all the designs. Also, a gold gelly roll pen was used to add metallic highlights to a couple of the designs.

Reflections

I like all of these tiles for different reasons. But I can see how I could add more shadow and highlight to the designs to bring out an illusion of depth and dimension. I may turn my attention to that in a short while.

There’s an antique feel to all the tiles, which is an unusual thing for me. But I do like it! Working on a coloured background really prompts me to play with shadow and highlight.

I do want to scan in the blank, coloured tiles to use as backgrounds in digital art. It’s the distressed nature of the colour along with the darker border that really appeals to me.

Now, I need to work out what to do with these little works of art. Also, my mind is trying to work out how I can convert these designs to coloring pages/templates. But, these will have to be looked at later on today. I’m really needing to sleep. I was up at stupid o’clock again, and I’m now beginning to flag, a lot.

Out of sorts art…

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I’ve been feeling out of sorts for the last day or so. It’s gradually intensified. A broken night’s sleep really hasn’t helped. House freezing cold (deliberately so!), Angela boiling hot in waves (not illness, just age).

I did draw in the darkest parts of the night when I couldn’t sleep, but what I produced was just a reflection of my ‘out of sorts’ mood. I added words and reflections to the drawings to try to elucidate where this has come from. And then that went to how I could use art in a journal, could I create journal pages, little areas for thoughts/words of meaning, and so on. So I jotted those ideas down.

The larger drawings I was doing in the night just overwhelmed me. The more work I did, the more overwhelmed and dissatisfied I felt. So, in an attempt to create some art that would soothe rather than disturb, I decided to create some small pieces of art and some borders seemed the right thing to do. This quartet of drawings is the result of that solution I sought to help me with my mood and my attitude to my efforts at drawing.