autodesk sketchbook pro

Be Brave – Entangled Art WIP

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Be Brave - Entangled Art WIP © Angela Porter 2019|Artwyrd.com
Be Brave – Entangled Art WIP © Angela Porter 2019|Artwyrd.com

I’ve spent another 3.5 hours on this design today, bringing it to a grand total of 10.5 hours just on working in colour. The design itself took around 2 hours to draw out.

I’ve cropped the image to show the coloured parts. I still have an awful lot to do.

I really am finding my way with this still. Mandalas are one thing, but entangled art is something else. I seem to be trying all kinds of techniques, texture brushes and so on here. Eventually I’ll work out how I like to work on such images.

I can see where my shading has been heavy handed. In other places I’ve not done a good job with texture brushes.

It’s very much a learning process for sure.

Colour is also a bit of a problem for me it seems. I’ll work it out, maybe. Time will tell.

I did say yesterday this was going to be more of a learning experience for me than anything else, and so it’s proving to be for sure.

So, tell me Angela, how are you feeling today?

I’m ok. I’m quite content verging on almost happy. I woke looking forward to working on this artwork even though it’s going to be a source of many challenges for me. Perhaps it’s because of the challenges I was looking forward to working on it.

And I have, as frustrating as it is when I see the colours I’ve used and wondering what on earth I was thinking. I just hope this is one of those points I get to when doing art where I think I should just give up as it’s horrible.

I’ve found that if I persevere at these points, after taking a break to freshen my eyes and mind, that things aren’t as bad as they seem.

After all, if the worst comes to the worst I can just start over!

Maybe I really should use a fairly limited palette of colours that I think work harmoniously together and that may help me with colour.

Anyways, I’m mostly content. I’ve had other challenges in my life in the past day, not least of which was deciding to abandon my lost souls skull shawl that I was working in very fine yarn. I’ve switched to a thinnish DK yarn using a 4.5mm needle and I’m much happier working with it. The other yarn is gorgeous, but I think I’ll find another project for it, maybe a knitted one.

I can either give up on things too easily or stubbornly persist even if they bring me no pleasure. So, to make a conscious decision that I was frustrated and fed up with the fine yarn and to abandon what I had already done was a step forward.

I also had a decision to make about an event happening in a couple of months time. There’s a lot of conflicting emotions around it, but I’ve said a tentative ok to it. I have time to work on the conflicted emotions in EMDR and to find coping strategies for myself.

I also have some adulting to do tomorrow. I have to contact my bank about online banking and the fact that my password etc just doesn’t work anymore, all so that I can view some correspondence they’ve sent to me via online banking. There’s some other bits and bobs too, such as deciding whether to renew my RAC membership after the debacle of a recovery of SmartooDeetoo last year. I do have SmartAssist with Binky so I think I’m ok if I break down as the car is under warranty. But tyres and so on … definitely have to make that decision.

It’s hard to change from something I’ve always used. That causes a huge amount of stress as I’m convinced people will be horrible to me about it, that they’ll get ranty and nasty on the phone, or will make me feel guilty about leaving.

Thing is, they never do. Me saying no is a problem still in so many situations. It’s all to do with the CPTSD, with the past traumas.

The emotional and mental fallout from these events spills over into ordinary, everyday events that have nothing to do with the traumas of the past, other than the fears of rejection, of being pressurised to do something I don’t want to do and so on.

Ah, more grist for the EMDR and therapy mill it seems. And a bit more self-awareness going on. Yay, go me!

And so the process of healing continues, bit by bit.

Be Brave – WIP

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Be Brave WIP © Angela Porter 2019 Artwyrd.com
Be Brave WIP © Angela Porter 2019 Artwyrd.com

I thought I’d try out my newest digital art skills on an entangled design of mine. I thought that the ‘Be Brave’ design would be appropriate. I am being brave with my art. I’m also brave through returning to EMDR therapy time and time again even though it’s caused me some considerable distress. The same is true for me telling my story for Time to Change Wales. I’m also being asked to be brave in another area of my life at the moment too.

I’d never describe myself as brave. I tend to hide away from people and avoid situations that I’m scared of in some way. I find it hard to make decisions and ‘adulting’ can be a problem too.

Art is something, however, that I am learning to be a bit more brave with, especially when it’s something new/different for me.

This entangled drawing is causing it’s own problems in re-creating in a similar way to how I did my last mandala. My tools are my usual trio of Autodesk Sketchbook Pro, Microsoft Surface Pen and Microsoft Surface Studio.

I will persevere. So far I’ve invested around seven hours of work into the coloured portions of this image. I also I’m trying out some ideas but also working with similar ideas/techniques to those I used in the mandala. So, this artwork is likely to end up a bit more of a hodgepodge that usual for me.

However, it’s an opportunity for me to embed the skills I’ve used, to try out new ideas as they come to me, and also to see the progress I’ve made.

I can already see it with the first motif I coloured in (the one that appears to be at the top of the pile) compared to the later ones.

I’m enjoying it, even though it’s slow work for me. There’s no rush to get it done and I think I now need a bit of a break from it.

I’m feeling rather contented today. I finished crocheting a shawl this morning so now I have just two projects on the go – a stash busting blanket made out of hexagons, and a lost souls skull shawl which I’m doing in rather fine yarn and it’s going to take me some time to complete. Again, there’s no rush for the shawl.

I have quite a large collection of crocheted shawls now and I think I need to let some of them go to new homes. I know which ones are really ‘me’ and which ones were part of my learning process. I’ve enjoyed making each one of them, but I don’t need them all that’s for sure!

Amazing Mandala – Finished!

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Amazing Mandala © Angela Porter – Artwyrd.com

Thoughts about the mandala

I finally finished this mandala today. I think I’ve logged somewhere around 35 hours on this image. I think that makes it the longest I’ve spent on any art project.

I have learned so much about how I can work with digital tools. I’ve also learned far more about my abilities and how I can express myself, particularly through digital art.

Although I find looking at the mandala rather strange now. That may be due to the closeness that I’ve worked with it, or the combination of colours not being too pleasing to me at this time, or the choice of backgorund colour. I don’t know for sure.

I’m am pleased with myself for persevering with the project, even though there are parts I’m not at all sure about, as I’ve mentioned.

I never, ever thought I would turn my hand to digital art.

Yes, I enjoy digital drawing; the beauty of Microsoft’s Surface Pen and Surface Studio are that they make drawing digitally so similar to drawing on paper.

However, this is the first time I’ve really ‘painted’ digitally, where I’ve worked in colour without black outlines.

It marks a huge step forward for me, as well as a coming together of things I’ve learned along my way. Not just digital things, but my observational skills, drawing skills, general art skills.

Lots of different aspects of my artistic/creative journey seemed to have gelled together in the past week or so, and I am really pleased about that. I’m more pleased that I’ve recognised this and gone with it.

About me and art

What I’ve come to realise more and more lately is that I like to create art that is pretty, beautiful even maybe. That is my whole drive in being creative. I enjoy making art that is pleasing to the eye, colourful, and full of intricate details that fascinate and call upon the viewer to spend time looking carefully at all the sections of the artwork.

There’s no hidden messages in my art. You don’t need to ‘understand it’. All I’d like it to do is to make you smile, to bring a little bit of colour and beauty into your life. I’d like it to be something that can give you a break from the harshness of life. I’d also like it to be something that you never tire looking at.

That may not be what many people think art is, but that’s what it is for me. Adding a little more prettiness, maybe beauty, colour and smiles into the world.

Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so.

So, Angela, how are you today?

I’m fine today. A bit tired, but fine. It’s been a warmish sunshiny day and I’ve been out to Cowbridge with my friend Liz for icecream at Fablas. And fabulous it was too! A well earned treat I think.

Yesterday I had my Time to Change Wales champions hat on as I gave a talk to around 100 people from Health Education and Improvement Wales (HEIW) at the University of South Wales in Treforest as part of the pledge signing ceremony.

An anti-stigma talk involves relating information about mental illness, stigma and discrimination and then I tell my story of mental illness (CPTSD) and the stigma and discrimination I’ve faced. Mostly it’s been self-stigma, telling myself I’m weak, pathetic, useless for having anxiety and crying and being depressed or having panic attacks and absolute dread and so on.

Yesterday, I noticed how anxious I was before I left home to go to give the talk. I’d not really noticed this before and it kind of jolted me a bit. Either I’m becoming more self-aware or my daily background level of anxiety is diminishing. I do hope it’s both, but particularly the latter!

These talks leave me rather emotionally exhausted and a nap was required yesterday. I could do with a nap now, but that would really mess up my sleep tonight as it’s early evening here in the UK as I type this.

I’m still tired today, despite sleeping well last night.

I do these talks as the I think it’s important to lead by example and open up about the struggles I’ve faced. I hope that it will encourage others to be brave and open up, or even admit to themselves that they’re struggling with their mental and/or emotional health.

I also hope it helps to increase understanding and awareness of what it’s like to have a mental illness, what poor mental health is.

If only I’d known more when I was young, maybe I would’ve sought help sooner and I wouldn’t have ended up having two really bad and lengthy bouts of severe anxiety/depression.

There are quite a few of us champions, all with different stories to tell around our experiences of mental illness and the stigma and discrimination that goes with it.

It’s always nice when people come up to me to share their stories, often quite shyly, or to ask more questions. It always amazes me that people think I’m really brave in telling my story.

Maybe it is brave. But if I don’t tell it how can things change if people are unaware of how mental and emotional ill-health affects us? I’ve lived it. I still am living it. All the champions have lived it and many still are.

Telling our stories is powerful; not just for the audience listening and perhaps getting an insight into mental health they’d never had before, but also for us.

We should never be ashamed of having mental or emotional ill health. Yet many of us are or have been. I’m not ashamed that I’ve broken bones or had the measles or mumps or chicken pox or other illnesses. I’m not ashamed I have asthma.

It’s high time we stop being ashamed that we have a mental illness. It’s high time society stopped being afraid of people with mental illnesses or judging people unfairly because of them. It’s high time that mental and emotional illness are viewed in the same way as physical illnesses.

I’m now tired and have lost my train of thought, and so this blog post comes to an end.

Amazing Mandala – nearly done

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Amazing Mandala-nearly done ©Angela Porter 2019 Artwyrd.com
Amazing Mandala-nearly done ©Angela Porter 2019 Artwyrd.com

Yup, that’s right. I’ve nearly finished this mandala. I’m on the last ‘ring’ of the design.

It’s rather busy, as designs go, but that’s also typical for me.

I’ve learned a lot about creating digital art that reflects my style. I’ve also learned a lot about my own creative expression too.

This is also a piece of art that has taken me the longest to create in terms of hours or work put in to it. I didn’t keep track, but I estimate it’s taken me well over 20 hours to do, maybe a lot more.

I’ve yet to settle on a background colour/texture. I found the green I had used wasn’t working given the minty greens of the leaves in the penultimate ring. So, for now, I’ve settled on a grey. When I finish the outer ring I’ll play around with different colours/textures until I’m happy.

Of course I’m thinking ahead to my next project of this kind and my mind is going to my usual entangled art. This is going to be an interesting experiment for sure! However, if I can create a mandala that looks like this, I can work with a sample of my entangled drawings and work out how I can do similar for them.

As usual, my digital tools have been Autodesk Sketchbook Pro along with a Surface Pen and Surface Studio from Microsoft.

So, how are you feeling today Angela?

I’m feeling fairly content today. A little tired, but content.

I had EMDR yesterday and though I was left feeling rather tired in the evening, I left the session feeling quite content.

That word crops up a lot – content – but that’s how I feel. And content is a good feeling to me.

More work was done with the inner child as well as EMDR on the feelings/thoughts that came up. This is surprising to me, but it also seems to be helping with stored trauma.

I also started reading a book recommended to me by my therapist. It’s called “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk. I’ve only read 30 or so pages, but out of the several sections I’ve highlighted this stands out:

We have also begun to understand how overwhelming experiences affect our innermost sensations and our relationship to our physical reality – the core of who we are. We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. … For real change to take place, the body needs to learn that the danger has passed and to live in the reality of the present.

Bessel Van Der Kolk “The Body Keeps the Score” 2014, Penguin, page 21

The body needs to learn that the danger has passed.

Part of cPTSD is living in a near constant state of anxiety. It is easy for something to happen that provokes the flight/flight/freeze response. Levels of stress hormones constantly flood the body. These hormones can wreak havoc with the functioning of the body and can cause long term health problems. I don’t know too much about that…yet. But I will.

This put in black and white what the purpose of EMDR is about – releasing trauma that is stored in the mind, brain and body.

I know that EMDR is working for me. I am so much better nowadays than I have been. Not just in comparison to the darkest days of my two big ‘breakdowns’, but to the majority of my days.

I have a lot of work to do yet, however. The anxiety that having to do some ‘adulting’ this morning showed me that. The bit of adulting I’ve done was to get a new quote for motor insurance. The quote from the brokers I’ve used for years had gone ridiculously high. So after one call I had a quote for one-third of the quote from my old brokers. After sorting the new insurance out, I then had to phone the brokers to cancel the renewal.

To do this I had to quite literally sneak up on myself, catch myself unawares and just do it. If I’d thought too much about it I would’ve got so anxious I wouldn’t have been able to make the phone call. Not only that, I would most likely develop a horrid headache and upset stomach too that would preclude me from doing anything else today.

Just one example of how anxiety causes a problem for me in everyday life.

I can now not worry about adulting again today!

Instead, I can ‘art’, read, crochet or do anything else I might care to do.

Amazing Mandala WIP

Angela PorterLeave a comment
Amazing Mandala © Angela Porter 2019 Artwyrd.com
Amazing Mandala © Angela Porter 2019 Artwyrd.com

This mandala is coming along slowly, but surely.

I’m definitely learning new ways to work digitally, but also new ways to express my creativity as well.

I’ve said it before and I’m amazed at what I’m creating. I never, ever thought that I’d be able to create anything like this, but I have and am doing so.

As usual, I’ve used Autodesk Sketchbook Pro along with a Microsoft Surface Pen and Microsoft Surface Studio to express my creativity.

The colours are bright and bold, which seems to be my signature style. They’re quite psychedelic too – all due to my love of playing with complementary colours.

I am child of the 60s in the respect I was born then and have some early memories of the music and art of that period thanks to my older half-sister who is 10 years my senior.

Perhaps I’m expressing my inner hippy. Or maybe I’m just expressing me, Angela.

I’ve said it before that I like to create things that are pretty, beautiful even. I don’t always get it right, but the more I do, the more I learn. I find my confidence little by little.

So, how are you today Angela?

I’m tired but content. My stomach still isn’t right and it’s pulling my energy levels and my ability to concentrate on my art down.

I’ve had my moments of tears in the past day or so when I have been so tired once again. I’m not very resilient to the inner critic when I’m over tired or run down that’s for sure.

When I’m tired the inner critic seems to want to convince me I’m lonely, unloveable and unloved, worthless, useless.

I know when I feel this way to do anything artsy can be a self-defeating task as I’m never satisfied with what what I do and this feeds the inner critic who becomes nastier and nastier.

So, I don’t feed the inner critic and do other things until I find the energy I need to be stronger than the inner critic.

Today I did a little more on this mandala and I’m now doubting it greatly, even though I’m really pleased with it. I can feel the pressure bearing down on me to believe that this is horrible, it’s not as good as I’d like to think it is, that it’s ugly, it doesn’t work, that the black was a huge mistake and I’ll never get it right.

So, instead of sitting and worrying about it I shall go and do something else that the critic could have plenty to say about but it doesn’t bother me all that much. So, I’m working on crocheting a blanket for a friend. I’m not at all sure it’s going to work out; I’m doing a ‘scrap’ blanket to use up yarn from my stash so it’s not going to be planned out and that causes me some concern. However, I shall keep going.

Golden memories – a dangle design

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Golden memories dangle design ©Angela Porter 2019 Artwyrd.com
Golden memories dangle design ©Angela Porter 2019 Artwyrd.com

As it’s Friday it’s time for a dangle design, and here it is. All in monochrome, well nearly. I added some subtle colour to the photograph.

If you’d like some ideas and step by step instructions on drawing your own dangle designs then my book “A Dangle A Day” is a good place to start. Just saying like.

I decided to use one of the images from the ‘Photobooth’ collection in the Idea-ology range by Tim Holtz. I thought that around it it would be nice to create an entangled frame, and to add a simple dangle design to this frame.

With the vintage nature of the photo I thought that the hand lettered sentiment of ‘golden memories’ would be a good one to add.

In keeping with the vintage design I thought a monochrome colour scheme would be appropriate. Mind you, a color palette of subtle vintage colours would work quite nicely too. It would be nice if I’d changed the colours from greys and blacks to sepia tones.

I drew the design and did the hand lettering with Unipin pens on Winsor and Newton Bristol board. I then cleaned up the scanned image, and added the subtle colours to the photo, using Autodesk Sketchbook Pro, Microsoft Surface Pen and Microsoft Surface Studio. I also added some subtle grey shadows to the design.

This would look absolutely charming framed, a lovely way to display cherished photo-booth images. I drew this image on a sheet of A4 paper (approx. letter size).

However, this would work on a smaller scale for a scrapbook, journal or even a BuJo. It would also make a lovely greeting card or note card for someone too.

It’s also an idea that can easily be altered for a more masculine tone, perfect for father’s day or a male birthday.

Mandala WIP – today’s update

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Mandala WIP © Angela Porter 2019 Artwyrd.com
Mandala WIP © Angela Porter 2019 Artwyrd.com

I’ve made some more progress on this mandala. It took me a good couple of hours to settle on the colour way for the black portion of the mandala. Whatever colour I tried it just seemed to be ‘too much’ against the bright motifs already in place. Black seems a little stark at the moment, maybe.

As I’m creating this digitally, I can always alter the black section. However, I think that as I ‘sit’ with the design the black will make some kind of sense.

As I put the simple shapes of the ‘shells’ or ‘flowers’ beyond the black section, I worried that they wouldn’t work. it was only by adding the details that I have become pleased with these motifs. They’re very textural in nature. I’ve even worked out how to have the ‘pearls’ or ‘pollen grains’ floating above the sections.

What I’m really pleased with, though, is the addition of some simple but effective details to the lighter parts of these motifs, including a couple of spirals that are in the same colour scheme. Sutble, but I think they’re lovely details.

It’s taken me a good five to six hours to complete these two sections You can also see I still have quite a bit left to do. I’m going to take a break from it for a while now. I didn’t realise how long I’ve been hunched over the Surface Studio working on this. Oh, I’ve been using my Surface Pen along with Autodesk Sketchbook Pro with the Surface Studio and it is a pleasure to do so.

My trio of tools are allowing me to create my own bit of personal artistic magic. Well, I think that’s what I’m doing. Something rather pretty, beautiful even, and colourful too.

Gosh, what am I saying? Me, recognising that something I’ve created is pretty even beautiful? Blimey! That doesn’t happen often I can tell you. But I really am rather proud of this mandala and the style in which I am working at the moment.

So, how are you today Angela?

I’m ok today. Quite content really. I also have the sense of satisfaction that I’m doing a good job with this mandala.

Yes, a sense of satisfaction and the recognition I’m doing a good job. These are emotions that I’m only just becoming aware of in myself.

Another small sign of progress being made on my journey to recovery from CPTSD.

Mandala WIP – update

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Mandala WIP - update © Angela Porter 2019 - Artwyrd.com
Mandala WIP – update © Angela Porter 2019 – Artwyrd.com

I have to say I am really, really pleased with how this mandala is working out. It’s not at all what I expected in the first instance, but I am so chuffed with myself.

I also think I am really getting the hang of this digital art malarkey too. I can also say that there is no way I would have been able to create this using traditional media – I’ve tried similar things in the past and it all ends up such a mess with me.

Digital art is the media I think I may have been waiting for. It’s taken me three years to get to this artistic level with digital art. Even in this mandala you can see how I have learned and developed ideas as I’ve worked from the centre out.

I absolutely love my Microsoft products – Surface Pen, Surface Book and Surface Studio. I cut my digital art teeth on the Surface Book (not literally!) and found I enjoyed digital art and when I felt I could I got a Surface Studio as the smaller size of the Surface Book screen was frustrating me a little.

The change to the Surface Studio is what has enabled me to really take to digital art. The size of the screen, the ease at which I can change the angles at which I work with the Surface Studio, the speed of the processors, the sensitivity of the pen on the screen…

I just love it! So much so I’m on the point of destashing nearly all my traditional art media and gifting them to a worthy cause.

Don’t get me wrong. I love to draw with pen on paper, that won’t ever change so my pen collection won’t be going anywhere. But the way I can use colour and texture digitally is an absolute dream. It’s also mess-free!

I hope you noticed that I said I’m really pleased with this mandala. It’s not often I’m able to say that about my art. But today I can and I am. I am actually smiling when I look at this mandala.

My only problem now is that I’ve changed the design of the mandala in the latest ‘ring’. Oh well, I can adjust accordingly or just create a new design around this one. I’ll see how I go with that.

I also quite like the ‘ghostly’ outline mandala design as a background, though silly me managed to leave the outline above the coloured design. One of the wonderful things about working in layers is that things like this aren’t a problem!

I think I may celebrate my progress with this mandala and also my digital art skills with a nice mug of tea!

Mandala WIP

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Mandala WIP 12 June 2019 © Angela Porter - Artwyrd.com
Mandala WIP 12 June 2019 © Angela Porter – Artwyrd.com

My current work in progress is a mandala. Also, I’m using my line art as a guide for the coloured areas which is quite different for me to do. No black lines in the finished design. Not a one will there be.

I’m working digitally using my trusty trio of Autodesk Sketchbook Pro, Microsoft Surface Pen and Microsoft Surface Studio. I have also chosen a coloured, texture background for the design to sit/float upon.

Just as a guide, it took me an hour or so to draw out the mandala design. So far I’ve spent around 6 hours on adding the colour and so on – and that’s with the help of the symmetry tool in Autodesk Sketchbook Pro. If I’d had to do each section individually it would’ve taken me eight times as long!

You can see I still have a lot to do, so it’s going to be a long term project for sure.

I’m actually enjoying this one. It’s been rather soothing to do given that I’ve not been feeling too well with some kind of upset tummy. I’m still not fully well today but I am feeling a fair bit better than I did yesterday, thank goodness.

So, how are you feeling today Angela?

Other than still feeling not too well physically with some kind of dodgy tummy, I’m quite contented.

Contented is good enough I think. I’m being creative, quietly so. I’m enjoying listening to Audible (currently it’s “Fatal Alliance” the first in the Star Wars Old Republic series of books. This one is authored by Sean Williams) as I’m being artsy. However, as I type I’m listening to the Maroon 5 station on Amazon Music. I can’t write and listen to a book!

To go back to my mental and emotional health, I feel quite content and my anxiety levels are at the manageable background levels, which is barely noticeable unless I focus on them. That is good enough for me, though I do know that it doesn’t take much for them to be triggered.

The CPTSD hair triggers that lead to emotional flashbacks. Not clear memories of a traumatic event, the emotional memories of a series of similar events that tapped into the stored trauma of the first traumatic event, reinforcing the trauma again and again and again.

That’s one way in which CPTSD is different to PTSD.

As I become more aware of my emotions and what can trigger an emotional response I’m more able to manage how I interact (or not) with the world until that trigger no longer affects me.

All part of self care which is so important.

My recovery from CPTSD is a work in progress, something I won’t stop until I’m good enough in terms of my mental and emotional wellbeing as well as my relationship with myself.

Happy Birthday Brett – all coloured

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Happy Birthday Brett © Angela Porter 2019 Artwyrd.com
Happy Birthday Brett © Angela Porter 2019 Artwyrd.com

I finally got round to finishing colouring the Happy Birthday coloring template I created for Brett, the lovely person who runs the Angela Porter’s Coloring Book Fans facebook group.

I drew the design on Winsor and Newton Bristol Board using Unipin pens and then I’ve added colour digitally, as well as a rose gold coloured and textured background.

I chose pink as a fairly dominant colour as Brett loves pink so much.

Oh, to colour I used Autodesk Sketchbook Pro, Microsoft Surface Pen and Microsoft Surface Studio.

So Angela, how have you been?

I’ve been quiet on social media over the past few days. I’ve needed some quiet time to myself, which has involved an awful lot of crocheting. I’ve not even done anything much that has been arty either.

The reason for this is that I’ve not been feeling all that well. Nothing serious. just not well. I had a migraine on Sunday that took all day to go and left me exhausted.

Also, I’ve not been feeling right in my digestive system/stomach for a few days. This happens on a fairly regular basis (monthly) but this time it was rather unpleasant.

Last night, it hit new highs as I woke hot, sweaty, nauseous and headachy. Thank goodness it was rather chilly here in the UK and I had the windows open. The cool air was pleasant as I lay uncovered. It all passed eventually without me being sick, however I still feel yeuchy today and very, very tired.

Yesterday I had EMDR and that was an interesting session that left me rather tired later in the day. Another inner child made their presence known and I had help to communicate with them, which was so much easier after last weeks session. This child was all to do with loud voices, arguing voices and being startled and upset by them. So, we did some EMDR work with the emotions that came up from that child. A lot of body work was being done with pains around my body as the trauma was being processed with EMDR. Also, lots of memories of raised voices, harsh voices, argumentative voices…and just noisy environments.

I’ve known for a long while that I can be triggered into startle or panic mode when I hear a sudden loud voice or noise around me. I try to remember to take noise cancelling headphones or earphones with me so I can listen to music and not hear such sounds when I’m out and about, especially when I’m feeling rather fragile.

Saturday I flinched and became a bit panicked as I was talking to someone while waiting for a meeting outside a building in my local town. Sunday evening someone spoke quite harshly to me. I don’t think they realised it, but the response in me was one of upset and to withdraw from the situation, permanently.

So, we work with this in EMDR to heal those traumatised parts of me represented by these children.

Hmm, I wonder if these different aspects of me from times when I’ve been traumatised are coming forward so easily because I have so few concrete memories of events.

Either way, as crazy as it may seem to you, it seems to be helping me, and that is all that matters as far as I’m concerned.