Sending each and every one of you all the very best of the wishes of the season. May each of your days ahead be filled with love, joy and all things bright and good!
Thank you to all who have supported me and sent me such kind words too.
Drawn on my Surfacebook, coloured in via Autodesk Sketchbook Pro.
The second of the templates I posted yesterday has been coloured. I went with a cooler colour palette than I would usually choose.
Coloured using Caran D’Ache Luminance pencils and a blending solution was used, which actually brought out the colours beautifully!
I also forgot to mention that these wreaths were drawn in Autodesk Sketchbook on my Microsoft Surface Book.
I’ve been keeping myself a little busy at times in the past few days making this years crop of Christmas cards.
The materials I used:
And here are the resulting cards; they all shimmer and shine to one degree or another!
The image to the left is my first digitally coloured drawing I’ve done with the Surface, but not the first drawing I’ve done with it.
The image to the left is my first digitally coloured drawing I’ve done with the Surface, but not the first drawing I’ve done with it.
I went and did it. I really did. I thought long and hard about it, I considered my various options, but after a lot of help and a play with a Microsoft Surface I decided that I was going to get one so I could explore the world of drawing digitally and digital art.
So, I ordered a Surface Book, it arrived and I picked it up from the shop at a time when the young chap who helped me with information about them was there so he could see it and try it out – my thank you to him. Apparently it caused a ‘nerdgasm’ as a fair few of the assistants came over to have a look and lust over the Surface.
That was around 3 weeks ago and I’ve certainly been giving it a good try out, and learning as I go, and I really do have a lot to learn! I will learn too, as and when I need to simply by exploring and playing.
One awkward task has been finding a program/app that will let me draw on the surface almost as if it is pen on paper. So far, Autodesk Sketchbook Pro is my most used app. I’m having to learn about using layers, the type of ‘brush type’ and thickness and the other settings to get my drawings to look the way they do.
One little tool that has been invaluable has been the ‘smooth’ function; the Surface screen is so sensitive to movement and there is such little friction between the SurfacePen and the screen that my usually smooth lines were all over the place! This has solved it though, without making my drawings look like they’ve been computer generated. I’d like some choices of amount of smoothing applied, however, and maybe that’ll be something the app designers will add to it in future updates.
I have already found it of great help as I had some small amendments to make to a couple of images for Color Me Grateful. It was so easy to do these, once I’d worked out how to make the texture/randomness/spacing of the line drawn mimic the lines drawn with the pen I’d used on paper. No messy white-out liquid, no dusty eraser mess, no awkward editing to do with a mouse. I can do the editing and tidy up of lines as I work, easily erase ‘mistakes’ or alter elements wholesale. That alone makes the Surface worth it’s weight in platinum!
Add to that that if I am going to do all my future drawings on the beauty then I’ll not need to do the rather tedious task of scanning in and then cleaning up the images laboriously, then it’s worth double its weight in gold-pressed latinum!
Oh, I know I’ll still have to scan in a few images – ones I’ve printed out and coloured using traditional media – but they will be far fewer than the numbers I’ve had to do.
I did consider a Wacom Cintiq, however I couldn’t find anywhere to have a ‘test drive’ of one, and that I really wanted to do before I bought one. I was able to play with Surface and work out quite quickly that it would work for me, especially as there was software loaded on it that would do what I wanted to do with one.
Of course, it will lead me to exploring the world of digital art and how it will work for me and my style of art, but I also know it will open up new ways of working, new techniques and effects for me.
I have a fair few drawings I want to print out to colour in traditional media, and also to check the line thicknesses and detail of the drawings as I’m still in the process of getting used to drawing on a screen that is smaller than A4 paper, and a lot smaller than A3. However, the more I use it, the easier it is becoming for me to adjust to this way of working.
So, I went to print out some art yesterday, to find my printer had died on me. I can’t even get it to turn on!
The hunt for a new printer began, and I chose an Epson printer that uses the DuraBrite Ultra ink as it’s supposed to be at least water resistant and someone has posted somewhere that it isn’t affected by alcohol markers such as Promarkers or Copics. That would be great if that’s the case! I also understand that the printer will take fairly hefty papers/cards too, which is even better considering I’ll want to put watercolour paper and mixed media paper through it. My dead Brother printer coped well with both of these, though the watercolour paper had to be fairly lightweight in comparison to some I have in my stash.
The new printer should be with me the middle of next week…
I have a break for a while from working for publishers. I’m using the time to explore the Surface book, to visit places to gain inspiration, and to get my head around ideas I have for books and illustrations and so on. I also need a break from the wonderful, crazy but overly busy time drawing for so many publishers and books.
Crazily busy, yes, but something I’m so grateful for as it’s all allowed me to leave teaching and become self-employed.
Approx. 16cm x 12cm
Rotring pen, Sakura Glaze pen, Derwent Inktense pencils with water wash on heavy watercolour paper.
Small, intricate, full of spirals and swirls. Typically me when in a fussy, detailed mood.
Many of the patterns and shapes are inspired by ammonites, nature, cells, Romanesque architecture, Prehistoric pottery and rock art.
Synchronicity because there have been a lot of ‘coincidences’ noted in my life recently.
Oh the joys of teaching! There is an element of sarcasm there. The lack of respect, manners and cooperation seems to have increased over the summer – either that or I’m getting old, having passed the 49 year mark during the long holidays.
I find myself emotionally drained at the end of each day after the constant hard work to get pupils to stop making assorted weird noises, disrupting the lesson in a myriad of ways, and just trying to bet them to be polite. I feel ‘battle weary’. Yet, teaching should not be such a battle.
The worst thing for me, however, is the effect this has on my creativity and the time to create. I miss the hours I could spend creating art during the break. If only I could earn enough from art reliably and sustainably to become a full-time artist…or writer…or or or…
Well, yesterday, the Autumnal Equinox, saw the end of the hypnotherapy course. I have an extension to complete the case studies, so the work isn’t quite over for me. I managed, finally, to get a merit in one essay – hurrah!
Not sure if I’ll be able to start a hypnotherapy practice up for a few years for various reasons, but I’d like to keep my hand in and practice the skills I have learned until I’m ready to take that plunge.
Yesterday, in fact the past week or so, have been rather weird. I’ve found myself very emotional, on the point of tears or past the point of holding them back on a number of occasions, including today. I have no idea exactly what is the problem. I thought it was hormonal, but I’m not too sure about that now.
Anyway, the hypnotherapy wasn’t the only ending this week.
I resigned from a committee that I perhaps have stayed on for a few months too long.
I’ve had various bits of a jigsaw puzzle about a friendship that ended a few months ago. I’ve spent most of this time blaming myself as I was made to feel it was my fault. However, the jigsaw pieces show that it isn’t my fault at all!
All this is quite apt for the equinox I think.
Plucking blackberries from hedgerows bursting with the deep purple-black fruits of the bramble are memories of childhood.
Taking care not to prick fingers on the thorns, or get clothing snagged and torn upon them either. There were also the sticky burrs of goose-grass to avoid too.
It was all worth the hours of effort, however. Blackberry and apple pie, blackberry crumble, bramble jelly, and the blackberry wine my father brewed (if he could steal any away).
Blackberries were frozen by the plastic gallon re-used ice-cream tub to be used for Sunday desserts through the winter months too.
All of these things created once the blackberries had been washed in salted water to bring out any maggots that had burrowed their way into the fruits. If I caught sight of one single maggoty thing, I couldn’t eat any more of them, and eating them straight from the bramble was not an option for me. It’s no wonder I’m a vegetarian!
A free harvest that I no longer take advantage of, but may manage to do so this year if I can pluck up the courage to go by myself in to the countryside to do this.
Yes, I do mean courage, as I’ve become a bit of a recluse once again, not going out into the world where there are other human beings to encounter me. A long, personal story that is, but one I hope to change with time. The gist is I’ve allowed myself to be hurt by other people over the past few years. Things I was once involved with have gone by the by and I’ve not managed to replace these social activities with others. Oh, I do go out. I am involved in things, but the people I encounter are, generally, more acquaintances than anything else. I still seek and search for a sense of belonging in this world.
Even as I think back to childhood blackberrying, I remember that I was often alone even though the rest of the family were there, all chatting and laughing and playing amongst themselves while I was generally excluded, unless it was to be the butt of someone’s joke. Always funny for them…
Funny, the memories of blackberrying, and collecting bilberries, or whinberries as they are also called, are still ones of pleasure – the pleasure of the food produced as a result. Bilberries are small, blueberries, native to Britain.
There’s plenty of folklore surrounding the humble bramble and it’s fruits.
“Throughout much of Britain there was a widespread belief that blackberries should not be eaten after a certain date.” [Vickery]
This date may have be that of the first frost, as then they become the Devil’s fruit and are not fit for humans to eat .
Michaelmas (29 September) or Old Michaelmas (11 October) relate to the biblical tale of Lucifer being thrown out of heaven for his proud, covetous ways by Archangel Michael (Isaiah 14:12). It is said that Lucifer landed in a bramble bush and cursed it, which is why people won’t eat blackberries after Michaelmas, saying variously that:
Hallowe’en (31 October) or All Saints’ Day (1st November) are also dates given as the cut off for blackberry consumption. As well as the reasons given above, this date also relates to the following:
“From a scientific point of view, blackberries contain a high concentration of bitter tasting tannins which over time accumulate in the fruit. Old Michaelmas day falls late in the blackberry season making berries picked around this time very bitter. To make matters worse, as autumn arrives the weather becomes wetter meaning the fruit will contain more fungus spores. This will not improve the taste either.” [BBC Nature UK]
Brambles were sometimes planted, or placed, on graves, one belief being that they stopped the dead from walking. Another reason is that they kept the sheep off the grave.
A superstition in Wales was “When thorns or brambles catch or cling to a girl’s dress, they say a lover is coming.” [Roud]
BBC Nature UK, Nature folklore uncovered
Roud, Steve “The Penguin Guide to the Superstitions of Britain and Ireland”, Penguin Reference, 2003
Vickery, Roy “Oxford Dictionary of Plant-lore”, Oxford Paperbacks, Oxford University Press, 1995
Well, the end of the calendar year, and the astronomical year if the Winter Solstice is seen as the end of one cycle and the start of the next, has come with a pile of revelations from a friend and a series of bangs that have released some inner demons and tears and uncovered an emptiness and knotted-ness in my gut area.
I’m pleased for my friend, don’t get me wrong. At last they are taking the little yet huge step they need to take to release them from a situation that is untenable for them and into a new phase of their life’s journey. I wish them happiness and joy and love. I worry that they are chasing a rainbow, a dream that will not live up to reality, they’ll find the grass isn’t greener, but I know that they’ll find themselves progressing forward in a way they couldn’t where the currently are at.
Their excitement, fear, trepidation, hope and all the other things their going through has stirred up some ‘stuff’ within me that needs to be worked on and examined, which are, in no particular order:
The common threads running through all of this involve me learning to love myself by knowing who I am and to accept myself for this, warts and all. I need to raise my self-esteem, my confidence, to be brave enough to start something. Above all else, I need to find the courage to be brave enough to share something of myself with others.
This year, more than at any other time, I’ve found the traditions and the significance of events more puzzling and confusing.
The rational scientist in me recognises that time is a continuous flow, the only markers on time are the ones we place there so that we can agree on when we are talking about and the meaning we attach to those markers is manufactured to satisfy a need for predictable events in our lives, to bring some kind of order to what appears to be an otherwise random and chaotic existence.
Then the more spiritual aspect of me kicks in and says that it’s OK to do this, to mark the various points on the wheel of the year, the various events that we celebrate, the things we give meaning to. They connect us together, for we are all connected, not just to all other human beings, not just to all life on Earth, but to the very stuff the Earth and, indeed, the Universe is made out of, the energy that constantly flows round and round.
We are not disconnected from the cycles that we can observe on this planet. We may rationalise that they are caused by scientific laws, that they have no meaning.
However, I’m coming to realise that they do have meaning. They bring us together and remind us that we are not separate, that what one of us does impacts on the whole, to a greater or lesser degree. By honouring the traditions we connect to the patterns that are stored in the universal consciousness for humans have been honouring the same observed patterns and events over many, many generations. It’s a way of honouring our forebears, of connecting to the present day, and of speaking to the future too.
It’s important, however, to decide if the particular traditions or observances fit in with your own philosophy, why you celebrate in the way you do, and to recognise that it is perfectly acceptable to change them as you grow and develop as a person, and not to just follow them blindly because you have always done them. It is, of course, perfectly acceptable to create traditions of your own too.
It may be that because I lead a very solitary existence, traditions celebrated by oneself have not really had any particular meaning, or have changed as my spiritual philosophy has grown and developed over the years. Perhaps it is important that I find which traditions, which celebrations have meaning to me, and develop ways of observing them that lets me understand where they have come from, the meaning they have for me at this time, and how they will impact on the future.
Of course, I’m not sure if all of that made any sense at all! Sometimes I need to get it out of me by writing and mithering and wittering on.
Today is the Winter Solstice, well the astronomical solstice at least. The Sun left Sagittarius and entered Capricorn at 05:31GMT this morning and that is the exact point of the solstice.
The Winter Solstice has long been marked as a special time for many millennia. Our ancient forebears built stone monuments that tracked the passage of the Sun across the sky as the seasons changed; to them it was important to know when it would soon be time to plant the fields so that food would be plentiful once again.
The pattern of observing the Winter Solstice, and other festivals throughout the winter, and indeed throughout the rest of the year, is set in the fabric of our society, though the names of the celebrations, and the precise date of them, have changed over time, and what was once a religious celebration has become, for many in Britain, a secular celebration involving the exchange of gifts, the consumption of food and drink and time with loved ones (though this is not the case for all – let us not forget there are many who have no friends or family or home at this time of year).
There are plenty of places on the world-weird-web where you can find out about the origins of the various traditions that people observe at this time of year in the many cultures that have winter festival.
It has become my own tradition on this day that I spend time in the morning writing in my journal, reflecting on where I have come from and where I’d like to go in the coming months. Well, that’s the plan, but that rarely happens as my pen gets hijacked by my unconscious mind and lots of things flow onto the paper, many insights and things to consider and ponder, much of which I won’t share with others as it is for me.
Part of my musings I will share concern the passing of time and the meaning we put on various events to help bring order to our lives, and some kind of certainty to the future amid all the seeming chaos and randomness of our lives. I realised, that it’s important to me to understand why something is celebrated or why a particular traditional activity is done at any particular time of year.
I am finding that as I grow and develop as a person, as a spiritual being, that what I once did no longer makes sense to me; rather than beating myself up about abandoning something that once made sense, worrying that I was being too lazy or turning my back on things, I’ve realised that things do change as I change and understand more. That is, for me, an important realisation.
Of course, I feel the pressures to conform and I make sure I respect others’ beliefs and traditions and do as they would wish at this time. However, I have to feel comfortable in my own skin, in my own view of how the Universe seems to work from my point in it.
Another important realisation to come from this mornings musings is that it is most important to remain open minded about all kinds of things; even though I may have my own views, ideas, theories, experiences, observations and so on at this time, that may change as I experience more and grow and develop. Being blinkered to other possibilities, to there being no other ways may be what underlies so many of the world’s problems (and greed, never forget the power of greed …).
As I’ve said, there was much more and it made sense to me. Maybe I’ll share more once I’ve worked through and processed it all.
What this leaves me with is to wish you all the very brightest blessings of the season, the most wonderful wishes for the next cycle of the seasons, no matter how you celebrate or why you celebrate!
The end of the Autumn Term is always one filled with very mixed feelings for me, if I allow myself to dwell on things or to notice the differences between myself and others.
I usually am quite different to others in the way I seem to live my life, that’s for sure. At this time of year, with all the messages from the media, retailers and society I feel the separateness even more. The materialistic nature of our society, and at this time of year the materialist selling machine kicks into overdrive.
The main message seems to be that you can’t possibly be happy and loved unless you are in a relationship, surrounded by family and friends and have spent a small fortune on gifts and food and drink and decorations, wear a particular brand of clothes or perfume or aftershave or jewellery, look a particular way (impossible unless you are air-brushed and digitally altered or starve yourself silly) or, or or…
Also, let us not forget the pressure to not disappoint others by not getting them the latest gadget or gizmo or designer clothing or accessories, whether you can afford it or not, and this is overwhelming, unless you are aware of the pressures upon you.
Another message is that if you have this or wear this or smell this way then your life will be magical and ecstatic and filled with love and you’ll be irresistible to others portrayed, others portrayed as the ultimate beautiful people.
The main selling point is that of an ideal partner, family, friends and life; a perfection we can’t possibly maintain except for fleeting moments; life is a series of good times and not so good times, even for the incredibly wealthy. Neither money nor fame bring happiness; if they did, we’d never hear of depressed and suicidal wealthy and/or famous people. No matter what things we own or how we dress or what we do or where we go, they cannot bring inner peace and contentment, not for more than a little while.
We’ve become a society, generally, which says I love you by how much we spend on someone, not by on how we treat others.
It is at this time of the year, when businesses whose business is to get you to part with your money, get you to buy into the belief that nothing says I love you more than spending a lot of money on you.
Am I cynical? Probably. Oh, I know that not everyone is like this, that there are people out there who understand what gifting is about, but the majority have been infected with the consumerism/materialism virus.
Being a long-term single person, one who has blood family that she’s not close to (which equates to having no real family) and friends who have their own families, then this time of year can be very difficult. Add to that the bad memories of the past that can surface as various events or pressures are felt related to this season, and a deep tiredness that saps me of my emotional resilience, I can find it very difficult to cope with this particular holiday.
I associate this time of year with huge childhood disappointments. This disappointment wasn’t with what gifts I had or how much money had or hadn’t been spent – I was always appreciative of the gifts given. No, the disappointment was always connected to my hope that Christmas would bring a wonderful change to my life; that there would really be peace and love and goodwill to all, including me.
It never happened.
By mid-morning the magic of waking and finding the house be-decked with fairy lights and decorations overnight by Father Christmas’ fairies that lived in the central heating system and the surprise of the presents at the end of the bed were replaced by arguments and name-calling, destruction and bullying, which only intensified as the day went on and tempers became more and more frayed by tiredness and food and drink.
By Boxing Day everything was back to normal, the only difference were the twinkling lights, tree, tinsel and trimmings.
Christmas became a season of false hopes and false promises.
That never changed as I went through adulthood. Oh the parties could be fun, but generally ended in drunken fights – verbal or physical – between other party-goers always spoiled them
The expectation of sitting and watching Christmas TV with no conversation after dinner was tedious and boring for me. Or the annoyance at the long ago ex-partner turning up drunk and late for the first Christmas dinner in our new home together. I’d spent all morning preparing and cooking the meal, and by the time he got home it was all dry and over-done. I’d nibbled my way through my food waiting for him (and got through half a bottle of very good port). He wolfed it down, dashed upstairs to be sick and then spent the rest of the day in bed sleeping it all off.
Not all have been sad or bad.
I had a good day a few years ago when I volunteered to help the chef at a half-way house run by the Salvation Army. There were lots of laughs that day.
There was also the year where I ‘rescued’ a friend from a long walk home after his fiancée had chucked him out at 10am on Christmas morning because her son had complained that my friend hadn’t shown enough enthusiasm for the son’s gifts. I ended up cooking an Indian banquet before taking him to his lodgings in the evening.
And last year, heavy snow meant it wasn’t possible to go anywhere, and so the pressure was off me. I spent the day engrossed in art and reading and music.
There’s also my acceptance that Christmas, as a religious thing, means nothing to me. It’s allowed me to be happier at this time of year than in the past. I still feel the pressures from outside.
This is a turning point in the year; Christmas more-or-less coincides with the Winter Solstice which heralds a return of the light and the possibility of growth in the coming months. The Solstice brings change and the opportunities for personal growth. The Sun is at it’s weakest at this time, though its strength is gradually reborn and grows in strength over the coming months. It’s a good time to let go of things that have ‘died’ in our life in order to make space for new things to come into our lives. My attitude towards this time of year is one of those things that needs to change, my resilience to the external pressures needs to be strengthened, and there are some things I need to let go of in order for this change to occur.
Despite all the work I’ve done on myself, on how I view things, becoming comfortable with who I am and my life, I still find this time of year difficult. All the comments like ‘Oh, it must be so lonely for you at this time of year, with no one to spend Christmas with’ (what about the rest of the year?) or the avoidance of the subject (by me as well), and seeing people in large groups eating and drinking and laughing and I’m on the outside looking in, or that’s how it feels.
It’s not the eating or drinking that can get me sad, more the lack of human company. However, that is a feeling that isn’t confined to this time of year – it’s an all year round thing.
I know I tend to keep myself distant from people; I’ve been hurt too often in the past. I do need to learn how to risk a little of myself in order to form connections with others. That is a longer term goal than just for one day of the year, however.
I think that this year I will revel in my solitary time, take the time to rest and recuperate, to do nice things for myself, learn to give to myself for a change and look at where I need to learn to accept from others too. It’s time to remind myself that I am comfortable in my own company, that I’m not lonely, that my life has meaning and purpose and it’s a good time to look at what I do have in my life and to be properly grateful for it. It’s a time to find the strength to avoid noticing what is missing according to the fairytale the media weave for us surrounding what happiness is and what we must have to be happy.
Perhaps, it would be a cathartic exercise to write my own version of A Christmas Carol – past, present and future – maybe calling it a Solstice Carol or a Yule Carol.
Dimensions – 23x30cm, approx. Silk fibre needle felt on a black felt background. Embellishement with beads, metallic and Japan threads, and custom-made sequins.
Photographs never seem to do my work justice, simply because I’m not a photographer. There is no idea of the shimmery nature of the work, the way that the gold Japan threads used to outline various parts of the needle felt define the shapes and provide a channel along which the colours seem to flow like oil on water. There is no sense of the texture and heights/depths that the needle felt has brought to the work, nor to the patterns and textures the beads give. The colours still look garish in the photograph, yet in the actual piece they are more subtle and muted.
I have spent many hours on this so far – around 30 I would guess. Every moment has been a pleasure, and I’ve even caught myself looking at it and smiling at how well it is working out – unusual for me as I’m my own worst critic, and it’s a step forward that I can appreciate the beauty in my creative work.
It’s finally arrived. Today marks the end of my freedom to a degree. Tomorrow I return to work, to a structured day and all the ups and downs that go with the job that teaching is. My time for art and other pursuits will become very limited.
I had a list of things to do over the Summer, and I’ve achieved few of them, however I have achieved other things, and that is good. What is better is I’m not beating myself up about the tasks undone. There’ll be time to do them…
I will miss the slow starts to the day, the spontaneity of trips and visits and time with friends. Friday afternoon I spent with a friend in a local cafe-bar, drinking, talking about art and other things, working on art, having nice food and laughing before going to take the weekly meditation class I lead. I will miss the opportunity to do those kinds of things.
On the positive side, it won’t be long until the next school break, and there are the weekends too…
There’s definitely a coolness in the air in the mornings and evenings. It’s a feeling I associate with the coming of autumn, the return to school, the start of the new academic year and a sense of hope of better things to come, a hope that was usually misplaced, and still is. However, I still hope that a new school year and a new term will bring new attitudes, opportunities and good achievements.
This year, the new attitudes must be towards myself and my expectations of me and how I react to the poor attitude/behaviour of others. The Summer break has allowed me to relax, to become who I am meant to be. I like this person, I like the contentment within me, I like the confidence that comes with it. What I don’t want is to lose this with the stresses and strains of teaching. There’s a challenge!
One of the tasks left mostly undone over the Summer was too look for an alternative career/job, one that will allow me to use all my personal skills/talents/gifts in a positive manner. I’ve been stumped as to what to do, and looking around at available jobs there is nothing that seems to fit me, well not yet.
So that’s another task for the coming weeks – to keep looking at available jobs, to seek advice, suggestions, to continue the audit of my personal skills to help me focus on what I could do.
I have been thinking about training as a hypnotherapist. The biggest stumbling block for me is finding the money to pay the fees. I’m making enquiries about that…so finger’s crossed!
The incipient return to work has been causing some anxiety and worry with me. My meditation this morning was filled with thoughts of things that need to be done, ideas as to what to do, worries about things that cause me emotional pain …
Art is the Adventure 