Spirituality

It’s been a while …

Angela PorterLeave a comment

It really has been a while since I last posted – two months more or less.  And what I couple of months it has been.

Work has been tough at times as respect has noticeably diminished along with good behaviour and attitudes.  I lost my voice for a week, a regular thing with me it seems.  The good news is that the ENT consultant put a camera up my nose to look at my vocal chords/throat and there were no problems at all.  I’m now awaiting speech therapy as it seems to be an occupational hazard and they can help me to use my voice without stress or strain.  I know of two, no, three ways my voice could be looked after while I still work.  One is to change my job/career.  The second is for the school to actually get the microphone/speaker system installed in my room so that the speech therapy can be focused on teaching me to talk at a healthy level.  The third is for the decline in behaviour to be managed and turned around so that I didn’t have to raise my voice so much, or even shout to be heard by the person two feet away from me.

A good point looks like I’ve finally achieved my aim of someone actually admitting that I’m right that the GCSE equivalent course I’ve been expected to deliver to my SEN classes isn’t actually possible for them to do the controlled assessments.  I do have to search out an alternative qualification that would give a GCSE equivalent qualification that I can deliver for part of the time while I continue to deliver the Entry Level science course.  I think I’ve done that, but it has to be sold to ‘the man’.

Outside of the world of work things have been strange.  It seems that a move away from a spiritual pathway I’ve been wandering along has finally happened. The signs have been there for a while, my unhappiness with it has been present for a while.  As nasty as the ending got (I vow to do my best to never become involved with committees with ego issues every again!) it showed that there was no way of mediating the schism.  I just hope the half-truths, rumours and downright lies about me don’t cause problems elsewhere.  All could have been avoided by effective, polite, even-tempered communication, or just a politely stated desire that the class I have run for a couple of years needs someone other than me to run it.

I’m finding that so many people who claim to ‘know’ me really don’t know me at all.  I really dislike confrontation, but am willing to listen to calm requests, well reasoned and logical arguments backed up with actual evidence, even if that is someone’s opinions.  I’d much prefer someone to ‘man-up’ and state their opinions rather than sneaking around behind my back, getting people to ‘spy’ on me with a remit to dig up dirt and if there is no dirt to dig up to manufacture it.  I’d much prefer someone to be open and honest, even if their version of truth hurts, for them to admit it’s all their own perceptions.

The result of all this was a rather nasty meeting with the committee members with confrontational attitudes and no desire to mediate, just to attack.  I think the members of the group I lead sent letters with their observations in that caused some level of guilt and/or jealousy somewhere as they were asked to explain why ‘she’s a credit to us’, she being me.

That means, to me, that I’m not a credit.

In the end I quietly stood up and politely said I’d had a day of managing confrontational behaviour in work that I didn’t expect it from adults in this kind of setting, that no matter what I said I’d not be believed, that I was obviously in the wrong and that the faults lie with me as a person for caring about others, for being welcoming, for giving my time to those who need it, for losing sense of time as I got lost in long discussions about things that were relevant to the purpose of this group.  I kept my voice quiet (mainly because the stress of the situation had caused my throat to constrict) and my demeanor non-confrontational, yet the attacks continued.  So I left.

I left with tears in my eyes for the pain caused to myself and others.  Tears of disappointment that those who proclaim so loudly to be spiritual aren’t.  Tears of disappointment that my involvement in a certain part of this organisation will also have to come to an end.  Tears of frustration.  Tears of anger.  Tears of embarrassment, humiliation.  However, there were also tears of relief among them too, and tears of grief, tears of letting go.

I hadn’t wanted to go, knowing exactly how it would be; knowing that someone had an axe to grind because they disagreed and disapproved of me and my ways and they wouldn’t be happy until they had not just put the knives against my back but driven them deeply in.

I’d felt the knives there for a long time, but there was no way they were going to puncture me, and I don’t think they did.

They will believe they are victorious, but it is a false image or at best a Pyrrhic victory, but they will not see that.

I’m the true ‘winner’, if there is a win anywhere.  I am now free of the rules and regulations.  What I do and how I do it is now up to my own personal sense of ethics and morals.  I would never treat someone the way they have and revel in the glory of it.  I’m sure the gloating will go on for a long time by some.

As for me, it’s time for me to decide where I go with this next, or rather how the decisions that have been made need to be developed.  It’s kind of exciting yet scary as it’s very much me breaking new ground for myself in some respects.

Another ending has been hypnotherapy.  I’ve had problems getting people to be guinea pigs for my case studies.  I’ve also become very jaded with the course and the practice.  I realised I had got from the course what I needed, realised that I didn’t really want to start up my own hypnotherapy practice.  Taken together, I decided that I had what I needed and wouldn’t complete the course.

Arty things have taken a bit of a back seat lately.  My half term break seemed to be filled with errands and appointments and trying to rest, relax and restore myself.  In the evenings when I return home from work I’m often too tired to do anything much, emotionally and mentally drained that is.  The weekends are often a washout for me as I sleep a lot of the time as my sleep in the week is disturbed (and has been this weekend as part of the fallout from the above mentioned meeting which was Friday night).

I did buy a book – Knitted Dinosaurs by Tina Barrett – on a visit to the National Museum Cardiff.  I have a lovely pterodactyl knitted with sparkly purple wings and a lilac body, head, legs and arms.  Some friends have fallen in love with him and have asked for ones of their own!

Yesterday evening, after a lunchtime outing to The Skirrid Inn in Llanfihangel Crucorney with one of my pals, Wendy.  I really didn’t want a dissection of the previous evening’s meeting, and so did my best to turn the conversation to other things, which we mostly did.  The little conversations about the meeting did help to bring some clarity that may be related to jealousy, guilt, and some evidence of absolute hippocracy in at least one ‘complaint’ that was levied by the committee.

The previous Saturday we’d been to Glastonbury for a nice wander around the shops and a leisurely lunch in the Cafe Galatea, where I had the nicest cheesy garlic bread and homemade coleslaw I’ve had for a very long time.  I had a good look around Starchild and stocked up on candles and incense – I just love that shop and always have since my first visit to Glastonbury some 11 or so years ago.  A new favourite shop is The Crystal Man‘s shop where I picked up pieces of spirit quartz and botryoidol lepidolite mica, which is shiny and silvery-pinky-lavender in hue.  The chap who owns/runs it is hilarious and friendly, which encouraged us to have a good look around and to rummage in his drawers – drawers of crystals/minerals.

This has been a bit of a random ramble, admittedly.  However, it does give an idea why there’s been little art or blog entries of late (not that I’m consistent in doing entries anyway).

My main problem at the moment is that I’m happily ensconced in bed tapping away at this on the laptop given to me by a friend when they bought a new one.  It’s comfortable here, safe too, warm as well.  My only problem at the moment is that I want a cup of tea and I’ll have to get out of bed to go get it!  That’s one of the main downsides to being single!

Calendar change-over eve…

Angela PorterLeave a comment

The old to the new

Well, the end of the calendar year, and the astronomical year if the Winter Solstice is seen as the end of one cycle and the start of the next, has come with a pile of revelations from a friend and a series of bangs that have released some inner demons and tears and uncovered an emptiness and knotted-ness in my gut area.

I’m pleased for my friend, don’t get me wrong.  At last they are taking the little yet huge step they need to take to release them from a situation that is untenable for them and into a new phase of their life’s journey.  I wish them happiness and joy and love.  I worry that they are chasing a rainbow, a dream that will not live up to reality, they’ll find the grass isn’t greener, but I know that they’ll find themselves progressing forward in a way they couldn’t where the currently are at.

Their excitement, fear, trepidation, hope and all the other things their going through has stirred up some ‘stuff’ within me that needs to be worked on and examined, which are, in no particular order:

  • Job and Career – Teaching is no longer healthy for me and though I find pleasure and satisfaction in some areas of the job, increasingly I’m finding it harder and harder to cope with other aspects of it.  I need to look at myself and what I can offer in terms of being an employee and what I need from a workplace in order to feel appreciated, valued, successful and that I am achieving good and truly helping people.  What kind of career I want, I don’t know.  Maybe training as a hypnotherapist will lead me along the way.  However, I do know I need to identify what I’d like to do, and that starts with what I can do and so on.
  • Relationships – I’ve been single for, gosh, thirteen and a half years now.  Along the way I’ve had many experiences placed along the spectrum of good to absolutely goddam awful.  I’ve felt time and time again the hurt of rejection and the blow it delivers to my self-esteem, self-respect and so on, and of course I realise that I expected nothing else.  Well, it’s about time that changed and it’s time for me to learn about relationships…big step for me.  How I do this, I don’t know, but it will start with me looking at myself honestly at the qualities I have, good and not so good, and come to accept and care about myself.
  • Friendships – I have a small number of very good friends, but learning to ask for help and accepting it when it is given is … a big hurdle for me.  I’ve had to be strong and independent for so long, to prove I can do it, that admitting I can’t is a big thing.
  • Creativity – I do not do enough to develop my writing skills and to weave stories.  I doubt my ability to do this.  I fear plagiarising, being unoriginal, being boring or trite.  I fear failure (damn that ultra-perfectionist part of me that doesn’t recognise when something is good enough).  I feel a sense of being overwhelmed when I think about telling a tale.  The result is I do nothing.  I also am lacking inspiration in art, finding myself doing the same kind of thing over and over and over …

The common threads running through all of this involve me learning to love myself by knowing who I am and to accept myself for this, warts and all.  I need to raise my self-esteem, my confidence, to be brave enough to start something.  Above all else, I need to find the courage to be brave enough to share something of myself with others.

To follow tradition or not?

This year, more than at any other time, I’ve found the traditions and the significance of events more puzzling and confusing.

The rational scientist in me recognises that time is a continuous flow, the only markers on time are the ones we place there so that we can agree on when we are talking about and the meaning we attach to those markers is manufactured to satisfy a need for predictable events in our lives, to bring some kind of order to what appears to be an otherwise random and chaotic existence.

Then the more spiritual aspect of me kicks in and says that it’s OK to do this, to mark the various points on the wheel of the year, the various events that we celebrate, the things we give meaning to.  They connect us together, for we are all connected, not just to all other human beings, not just to all life on Earth, but to the very stuff the Earth and, indeed, the Universe is made out of, the energy that constantly flows round and round.

We are not disconnected from the cycles that we can observe on this planet.  We may rationalise that they are caused by scientific laws, that they have no meaning.

However, I’m coming to realise that they do have meaning.  They bring us together and remind us that we are not separate, that what one of us does impacts on the whole, to a greater or lesser degree.  By honouring the traditions we connect to the patterns that are stored in the universal consciousness for humans have been honouring the same observed patterns and events over many, many generations.  It’s a way of honouring our forebears, of connecting to the present day, and of speaking to the future too.

It’s important, however, to decide if the particular traditions or observances fit in with your own philosophy, why you celebrate in the way you do, and to recognise that it is perfectly acceptable to change them as you grow and develop as a person, and not to just follow them blindly because you have always done them.  It is, of course, perfectly acceptable to create traditions of  your own too.

It may be that because I lead a very solitary existence, traditions celebrated by oneself have not really had any particular meaning, or have changed as my spiritual philosophy has grown and developed over the years.  Perhaps it is important that I find which traditions, which celebrations have meaning to me, and develop ways of observing them that lets me understand where they have come from, the meaning they have for me at this time, and how they will impact on the future.

Of course, I’m not sure if all of that made any sense at all!  Sometimes I need to get it out of me by writing and mithering and wittering on.

Winter Solstice 2011

Angela Porter2 Comments

Today is the Winter Solstice, well the astronomical solstice at least.  The Sun left Sagittarius and entered Capricorn at 05:31GMT this morning and that is the exact point of the solstice.

The Winter Solstice has long been marked as a special time for many millennia.  Our ancient forebears built stone monuments that tracked the passage of the Sun across the sky as the seasons changed; to them it was important to know when it would soon be time to plant the fields so that food would be plentiful once again.

The pattern of observing the Winter Solstice, and other festivals throughout the winter, and indeed throughout the rest of the year, is set in the fabric of our society, though the names of the celebrations, and the precise date of them, have changed over time, and what was once a religious celebration has become, for many in Britain, a secular celebration involving the exchange of gifts, the consumption of food and drink and time with loved ones (though this is not the case for all – let us not forget there are many who have no friends or family or home at this time of year).

There are plenty of places on the world-weird-web where you can find out about the origins of the various traditions that people observe at this time of year in the many cultures that have winter festival.

It has become my own tradition on this day that I spend time in the morning writing in my journal, reflecting on where I have come from and where I’d like to go in the coming months.  Well, that’s the plan, but that rarely happens as my pen gets hijacked by my unconscious mind and lots of things flow onto the paper, many insights and things to consider and ponder, much of which I won’t share with others as it is for me.

Part of my musings I will share concern the passing of time and the meaning we put on various events to help bring order to our lives, and some kind of certainty to the future amid all the seeming chaos and randomness of our lives.  I realised, that it’s important to me to understand why something is celebrated or why a particular traditional activity is done at any particular time of year.

I am finding that as I grow and develop as a person, as a spiritual being, that what I once did no longer makes sense to me; rather than beating myself up about abandoning something that once made sense, worrying that I was being too lazy or turning my back on things, I’ve realised that things do change as I change and understand more.  That is, for me, an important realisation.

Of course, I feel the pressures to conform and I make sure I respect others’ beliefs and traditions and do as they would wish at this time.  However, I have to feel comfortable in my own skin, in my own view of how the Universe seems to work from my point in it.

Another important realisation to come from this mornings musings is that it is most important to remain open  minded about all kinds of things; even though I may have my own views, ideas, theories, experiences, observations and so on at this time, that may change as I experience more and grow and develop.  Being blinkered to other possibilities, to there being no other ways may be what underlies so many of the world’s problems (and greed, never forget the power of greed …).

As I’ve said, there was much more and it made sense to me.  Maybe I’ll share more once I’ve worked through and processed it all.

What this leaves me with is to wish you all the very brightest blessings of the season, the most wonderful wishes for the next cycle of the seasons, no matter how you celebrate or why you celebrate!

Words and Art Combined

Angela Porter4 Comments

Earth

Earth © Angela Porter 2011

Watercolours, pen and ink on cartridge paper.  24cm x 18cm.

I completed this picture as a kind of experiment.  A dear friend of mine suggested that instead of filling the curlicues of my current very spiral art with more curlicues and spirals that I should add words instead.  I have lots of ideas of what to do with this, perhaps, eventually.  But this was the first of it’s kind.

I wanted to put together a painting that had words and symbols and images that go with the esoteric element of earth, but the words I chose haven’t quite worked out.  However, I am pleased with the apple/wheat/leaf border and the ivy border too.  I’m also pleased that I left empty space, not because I got fed up of this, but because I felt it was all finished and balanced.

This will be an idea I come back to, that of the four elements I mean.  Words have been important in creating my latest pieces of art.

PF Summer Camp, Late May Bank Holiday Weekend 2011

PF Summer Camp 2011 © Angela Porter 2011Watercolours, metallic watercolours, Zig Art and Graphic pens, Rotring pens with black ink on watercolour paper.  9cm x 18cm.

Last weekend, I gave a talk entitled ‘Death and disposal in the Bronze Age’.  In the talk, I concentrated, it turned out, on how the landscape in which the monuments are set can and other factors such as time of day, season or weather have an effect upon how people experience the site.  I drew on the work of archaeologists such as George Nash and Ann Woodward’s book ‘British Barrows‘ who discuss such things.  I have found it a fascinating, if a little brief study by myself, but I already have books on order for when I have the time to dig deeper into such matters.

I mention this because it may be that the barrows could have acted as ‘mnemonics’ for reciting the history of the clan who were the barrow-wrights.  Terry Pratchett and Jacqueline Simpson, in ‘The Folklore of Discworld’ write:

“The landscape is full of stories.”

What I set out to do in this particular painting was to put words in that act as memories of the weekend, especially the ‘bardic circle round the camp fire’ in the evening, where there were songs and stories and friendly banter and chatter.  This is something I have never done, the camp fire thing that is.  I loved it and want to take part in one again.  I may even be able to take my flute and play something, or tell a story; I think the informal and non-judgemental nature of such a gathering would allow me to do this.

I wander off topic here.  The colours and shapes I chose to represent the flow of ideas, talk, music as well as an opening of the mind and an igniting of certain things for me.  I am really quite pleased with how it has turned out, and it was another experiment as I used Zig Art and Graphic Pens to draw the design with; they are water soluble and bled into the watercolour paints.  It has turned out to be a happy accident, as I’m pleased with the colours in places which give an aged feel to the work, kind of like an old, hand coloured etching.  This is how a lot of my work tends to be, but I really want more vibrant colours so that black doesn’t swamp them.

Time

Time 1 © Angela Porter 2011Watercolour, Zig pens and Rotring pens with black ink on cartridge paper.  7.5cm x 15cm.

This was an experiment, again.  I started it last week and left it for a few days to ponder what to do with it.  The colours I had used seemed quite insipid and I wasn’t at all sure where it was going.  The purchase and subsequent playing with the Zig pens a couple of days ago gave me another technique to use in my art, and in this case it’s worked out well, I think.  Things aren’t as irritatingly perfect as my work has been in the past, but I think that adds something to the work.  I like the way the Zig pens add depth and intensity of colour, while being able to be washed out with a damp to wet brush to very subtle shades.  I feel I’m going to love using them in this way!

The adage ‘Time heals all wounds’ is, of course, not entirely true.  There are some wounds that never heal, unless it’s the final journey to whatever awaits us after this earthly existence.  I do think the words are particularly pertinent to me at this point in my personal progress.  I have been having counselling for a number of years now to help me heal the emotional wounds of the past and the damage it has done to my self-image.  It’s a long, slow process it seems.  I often feel guilty for talking so long, to be going round and round in circles, and there have been moments when we almost believed it was time for me to cut loose, then something happens to knock me back a few steps.  As I’ve been told, you can’t heal the damage done over 40-something years overnight, it takes time to undo the learned concepts and to replace them with new ones.  I am getting there, though, even though some days, or weeks, I feel I’m back to where I was.   Art helps me to relax, de-stress to bring joy into my life, and it’s a great re-balancer for me.  I am so grateful I have discovered this gift, and that I have people who encourage me to explore new ways, as I’m still not able to be self-motivating or to find the inspiration that sometimes I lack.

Rose Quartz and Self-Love

Angela Porter4 Comments

During my weekly sessions of trying to put the marbles in the right places and getting them to stay there the focus has been on self-love, self-esteem and self-confidence, or rather the lack of all these things within myself.  I’ve come a fair way during the past several years in terms of personal progress, but these are the knotty issues at the root of everything and my excess weight is a symptom and not a cause of them.  Indeed, my weight may even be a barometer of my internal emotional health.

I spent sometime research what self-love is.  In my mind it’s been equated with those who shout loudly about themselves, who profess themselves to be wonderful in a strident manner, and who are egotistical to the point of excluding any one else in their lives.  And now I’ve kind of worked out what self-love is about those ideas are totally off the wall yet are indicative of how hard the self-talk has been programmed to believe that if I were to love myself, to consider myself worthy of good things then I would be like these loud, boastful egotistical people and that is something I would not wish to be.

Self-love is subtle yet powerful.  It involves having faith in yourself, being there for yourself, caring for yourself.  It’s recognising your talents, achievements, strengths, positive qualities and allowing yourself to be proud of them, to praise yourself for all your successes.  Not in a loud, boastful, bragging kind of way, but quietly, reinforcing all that is positive about yourself and in so doing gaining a positive self-image, a healthy sense of self-worth, of having a quiet confidence about what you are able to do.  It is about being your own best friend as you are the only constant in your life.

In learning to love yourself, you allow others to love you too.  This is a big lesson for me to learn, and it’s going to take time to overturn the thought patterns, the neural nets that have reinforced my poor view of  myself over 40-odd years of my life.  So it’s not going to happen overnight.

Now, I do have a bit of an interest in things of a spiritual nature,  things considered ‘new age’, psychic, metaphysical, parapsychological and so on.  There are some circles I move in where I discuss such things, there are others where it is never mentioned, such as at work.  My own thoughts on things like crystals things is that they are tools, props, symbols to focus on that help change the thought patterns or emotional patterns to more positive ones.  Whether each crystal truly has a different energy, whether colour influences us or not, if we believe it to make a difference, to help us, then it will.  Science is recognising more and more that there is a link between our physical health and our emotional or mental state, so anything that helps to promote a more healthy mind-set or inner emotional climate must have an effect on physical health.  Mind you, that’s all an over simplification of something that is most probably more complex, and my views are likely to change as experience, knowledge and I change.  That’s part of life and how we grow.

Anyway, I digress.  I decided last weekend to look into self-love and to find which crystal or crystals would help me develop self-love, self-worth, self-esteem and rose quartz seems to be the most important one to do this.

Rose quartz is a stone of gentle warmth and love.   It heals emotional wounds and pain and in so doing it opens the heart to the beauty that is within us as well as the beauty that is all around us.  It promotes self-acceptance, self-love and self-worth.  It enhances all forms of love including self-love, mother love, caring, kindness, compassion, platonic and romantic love.  It encourages us to open our heart and to be tender, peaceful and gentle.  It teaches forgiveness and tolerance.  It helps us to emanate unconditional love and a nurturing nature and in so doing it helps us to attract positive, gentle, non-judgemental unconditional love into our lives.

There’s a lot more about it than this on the world weird web and in books on crystal healing and metaphysical topics.  It is suggested that you carry rose quartz with you in a pocket, as a piece of jewellery or, if you are a lady, to keep a piece in your bra close to your heart!  Of course, it’s useful to hold while meditating or working on personal issues in other ways.  It can act very subtly but also very deeply by bringing up past hurts so they can be examined, the reactions to them can be altered and then they can be let go of.

I’m going to use a piece.  I have stumbled across a methodology for self-love that I’ve adapted to my particular way of thinking and spiritual path and will be using that as a focus to help me move forward.  As it resonated in me, it’s something important for me to do, and something practical to do some personal work that I would usually shy away from for it being too painful.   I’m going to be rather secretive here as I’m not going to post any details of the kind of meditative practice here.

Crystals and other things

Angela PorterLeave a comment

The return to work … and stress…

Well, it’s just over a fortnight into the month and me being back and work and juggling everything else that goes on in my life such as taking and going to meditation classes, meetings, workshops, talks has meant that the time I have spent at home has been almost total ‘down time’.  Chilling with mugs of tea and a DVD or several is about all I’ve been able to do.  It may be a good sign that I am taking that time out and not filling my time up with busy-ness.

Stress hit a high on Friday with a confrontation with a pupil … and the fear that I may have done something wrong, that I will end up being told off for it, and yet common sense tells me that I did nothing wrong (apart from shout a little loudly). I was annoyed and angry with myself for letting my temper ooze out, though I regained control very quickly, and gained a stress-headache as a result of keeping things in.  There was no chance to let the temper out as I was on the roller-coaster of lessons yet again.  I wish I could have a ‘get out of lessons free card’ like some of the pupils, just for a few mins to gather myself back together.  I now have another set of negative automatic thoughts and reactions that now need de-programming, or perhaps that need revisiting in the light of some further insight.

Having said that, this was a lesson I had to take as soon as I got to work after a counselling session that ended just half an hour or so before the lesson.  It was an emotional session, with me trying to face up to my emotional eating, self-image, self-confidence, self-esteem and weight issues … sometimes I think I should just phone in ill.  I have leave of absence for these sessions simply because I give up my non-contact time in the week to attend them so that I have no classes to be covered.

Any suggestions for a career change for me?

I think this may be the only way out of what seems to be constant source of stress in my life, and with the way attitudes towards education have changed, both among parents and pupils and the low value placed on education and the lack of respect for teachers from parents, pupils, government and the wider society it’s not going to change, is it?  A way out, but I have no idea what else I would like to do or could do (bearing in mind I do need a certain income to pay the bills …).

Crystals

Thinking about stress, I’m always trying to find ways that work for me to relieve stress in my life and so stop me becoming totally drained and heading towards a dark place.

Meditation certainly helps no end, but that takes a fair amount of time, time I don’t have in the normal school day.  Morning and night not a problem, but during the school day … not even at lunchtime do I have time that is mine.  So, I do look at other things.  Square breathing that can be done ‘on the fly’ to regain control of some part of myself and my emotions, for instance.

Crystals may be another way of helping myself … though I’m not always convinced about such things.  I also have mixed views about the rape of our planet, our home in the Universe, for it’s precious resources that cannot be replaced, well not in our life-time at any rate.

I did have an interesting experience with a tumbled piece of sodalite that I purchased after a particularly emotionally harrowing counselling session a year and a half ago.  I was fondling it while having a make-over in the Body Shop.  There was a cracking sound and a piece of the sodalite had broken off and crumbled.  Now, I’m not strong enough to do that, there were no obvious flaws that I could see in the mineral, and it would most likely have broken into two pieces if that were the case, but to crumble into what looked like blue sand …

Crystal therapists and ‘experts’ I’ve related this tale to tell me that was a sign that some powerful healing had happened, and that such breakages are not uncommon.

The scientist in me is very sceptical about anything like this, even though I know that I did end up feeling better sooner than I thought.  There was a sudden easing of my emotional distress, whether that was due to the crystal or the make-over or just a little bit of time and space I don”t know – too many variables to say which one it was!  Or maybe it was just a combination of them all.

Sodalite

Sodalite from www.exquisiteearth.co.uk
Sodalite from http://www.exquisiteearth.co.uk

Sodalite unites logic with intuition and opens spiritual perception, bringing information from the higher mind down to the physical level.  When used in meditation, the mind can be used to understand the circumstances you find yourself in.  This stone instills a drive for truth and an urge towards idealism, making it possible to remain true to yourself and stand up for your beliefs.

Sodalite eliminates mental confusion and intellectual bondage.  It encourages rational thought, objectivity, truth and intuitive perception along with the verbalisation of feelings.  As it calms the mind it allows new information to be received.  Sodalite stimulates the release of old mental conditioning and rigid mind-sets, creating space to put new insights into practice.

Psychologically, this stone brings about emotional balance and calms panic attacks.  It can transform a defensive or oversensitive personality, releasing the core fears, phobias, guilt and control mechanisms that hold you back from being who you truly are.  It enhances self-esteem, self-acceptance and self-trust.

Sodalite aids, among other things, the throat, vocal cords and larynx and is helpful for hoarseness and digestive disorders.  From The Crystal Bible, Judy Hall.

Well, that most probably covers all I’ve mentioned in my experience of sodalite, as well as issues I’m working on.  I do remember just finding myself attracted to the sodalite in the display of crystals in the shop, which was Exquisite Earth in Merthyr Tydfil.  I also remember the owner telling me to look up the crystal in a copy of ‘The Crystal Bible’ by Judy Hall and at the time it perfectly suited the situation I found myself in, and still do.  However, I am working my way through to the other side, and I am certainly a lot, lot better than I was back then!

Art

Art has taken a bit of a back seat to life in general lately.  I am hoping to lose myself in some art in the very near future – such as as soon as I’ve finished this blog entry and got a mug of tea!  I don’t have a lot of time this afternoon as I have a talk to do tonight.

Currently reading …

My reading list is really odd at the moment :

‘I can make you thin’ by Paul McKenna

‘The Spook’s Battle’ by Joseph Delaney

‘After Death Communication’ by Emma Heathcote-James

‘The Physicists’ View of Nature, Part 2: The Quantum Revolution’ by Amit Goswani

So, you can go figure!

Winter Solstice 2010

Angela PorterLeave a comment

All the very best of the Winter Solstice greetings and wishes to all!

The exact point of Solstice is at 23:38 UTC, which is when the Sun enters Capricorn.   In the Northern Hemisphere, this marks the longest night and also the gradual returning of light to the world as the days gradually lengthen once again.

What makes this year’s Winter Solstice extra special is that there is a Lunar Eclipse fall on the same day, for the first time since 1638.  Sadly, it was not possible for me to view the Lunar eclipse as the skies were cloudy here, and no doubt the hills would have obscured my view of the Moon in any case.

In my immediate environment, in the Northern Hemisphere, nature is in it’s annual dormancy and the return of the light from this day on is a reason enough to celebrate the continuation of nature’s seasonal cycle.  With the snow still covering the ground, life having slowed down due to the freeze here in the UK, there’s an even bigger sense of the big sleep of nature.

The Winter Solstice had, no doubt, great significance to prehistoric people, no doubt linked to the uncertainty of seeing life through the harsh winter months.  Evidence for this remains in the apparent alignments of Neolithic and Bronze Age sites such as Stonehenge (Winter Solstice 2010 at Stonehenge) in England and Newgrange (Winter Solstice at Newgrange 2010) in Ireland to astronomical events such as the Winter Solstice.  The lives of these people depended very much upon the seasons and weather and it must have been important for them to mark the cycles of the seasons in some way, just as we do still.

The Feast of Yule was a pre-Christian festival observed in Scandinavia.  At this time of year, fires were lit to symbolise the heat, light and life-giving properties of the returning Sun.  A Yule log was brought in and burned in the hearth in honour of the god Thor.  A piece of the log was kept to act as both a good luck token for the year and to act as kindling from which the next year’s Yule log was lit.  Ashes from the log were also collected to be spread on the fields to ensure a good harvest that year.

There are many festivals coinciding with the Winter Solstice around the world, as can be easily read about on the web – see for instance Wikipedia.

How will I be spending the day?  Well, not as I would in years past.  Normally, I’d replace my bundle of mistletoe at dawn, burning last year’s old bunch.   This will have to wait for a day or two until I can get out and about!   The mistletoe hung in the home acts as a protection against negative thoughts and deeds.  Burning it releases and purifies that which it has absorbed over the year.  Part of the day will be spent in meditation/quiet thought/reflection on the past year and particularly upon the progress I have made in achieving goals in life and giving thanks for all those people and circumstances which have aided me in my progress, whether they realised it or not, and whether I realised it or not at the time! Sometimes, the people and situations that vex us most are responsible for the greatest progress in our personal development.

How will you spend the day?

  1. Guardian – Article about the coincidence of Solstice and the Lunar Eclipse
  2. National Geographic – Article about the coincidence of the Solstice and the Lunar Eclipse
  3. Winter Solstice at Time and Date.com
  4. December Solstice Traditions at Time and Date.com
  5. Winter Solstice on Wikipedia
  6. Yule on the BBC website

Interwoven

Angela Porter3 Comments

 

Interwoven 1 © Angela Porter 2010

 

Interwoven 2 © Angela Porter 2010

 

Artistic endeavours

Above are two of my latest pieces of art, both worked on black card using Uni-Ball Signo metallic gel pens and Cosmic Shimmer iridescent watercolours.

The bottom one has a chain of circles/links that was inspired by looking at a La Tene or Early Celtic Art neck torc.  The rest of the patterns/shapes just flowed around the circles.

I’ve enjoyed doing these.  They give me a chance to just relax, go within myself, create and find some peace and pleasure during days when life seems a struggle at times.  Abstract art is perfect for me in doing this.  I tend to call these things ‘doodles’, but others see them as ‘effortless pieces of art, very creative and imaginative, a sure sense of colour’.  Perhaps because it is easy for me to do I find it hard to see why others would find it ‘precious’.  But as it flows from within, it does tend to be personal, and perhaps an outer representation of my inner emotional ‘weather’.

Feeling jaded, tired with teaching

This week the emotional weather has been very changeable, though there’s been a very tired and jaded weather system lingering.

I am tired and jaded with my job.  I have found it hard to get enthused about anything this week.  I find the constant disrespectful, confrontational, aggressive and/or histrionic attitudes wearying in the extreme.  There seems to be an almost constant battle that I have to fight in order to do my job.

It’s not all gloom and doom, however.  There are bright, sunny periods, where pupils with a willingness to learn, the grace to show kindness in their speech and in attitudes to others, and those full of joy to be around me.  But they are increasingly being overshadowed, once again, by the others.

I feel so much empathy for the pupils who are stuck in classes full of their peers who dominate the groups, disrupt the lessons, and carry an atmosphere of unsettledness in so many ways with them.

I’m beginning to really understand that I am too kind, caring, gentle to work in such an environment for much longer.  My kindness and gentleness make me a target for these aggressive, disrespectful, histrionic teens.  They see me as weak, pathetic, perhaps even too controlling of the class, or trying to be.  I want all to do well, to learn, to gain something positive from my lessons, and I know I expect way too much of myself in this, or perhaps not of myself but of them.

However, is it really too much to ask to have a polite response when asking a pupil to do something such as ‘get your pens and book out please’?  Is it too much to expect that I won’t be greeted with a volley of abusive language or a strident statement that either I’m picking on them, or I have an attitude problem.

I guess I should feel lucky that it’s just words and not furniture or knives or guns that are hurled at me.

Some of you may think it’s my fault I get treated like this.  I don’t think so.  I have to be true to myself.  When I’m not, then its so obvious that things get worse.  My kind, caring, empathic nature suits me working with children with special educational needs and these children rarely give me problems and respond and appreciate my nature, generally. There’s always an odd couple who don’t respond.

My issues are with mainstream pupils who generally don’t appreciate the kind, caring, supportive, encouraging approach.  Their attitudes mean I tend to distance myself from them to protect myself, though I try to help those who want my help, so long as I’m not having de-fuse situations about to explode, deal with disruption and so on.  Sometimes I feel more like a peace-keeper come baby-sitter than a teacher.  I’m absolutely sure it was never like this when I started teaching many years ago now.

Are my particular skills, talents and gifts being made the best use of  in work?  Definitely not.

Career change needed?

All of this has added to my personal problems that I am working on; and in many ways it delays me carrying out the personal work that I need to do by overshadowing that.  My biggest problem is what on earth could I do other than teach?  The other problem is that of financial security; I have a permanent contract, so I have as secure a job as is possible in the current financial climate.  However, the biggest problem is what else could I do?

What I think are my particular strengths, such as art, writing (that maybe doesn’t come across in this blog), a quickness of mind, an innate intelligence, true empathy for others, a deeply caring and kind nature, an ability to speak well and to entrance audiences, I have no particular qualifications for, nor do I have the time nor financial resources to return to university to gain them.

It is a right pickle …

But at least I get time to lose myself in art or writing or reading or playing my flute or meditating, activities that help to bring me peace and joy, and some of which others can gain joy from too if I share them.

Memories of my father’s passing

Something else that seems to have affected my emotional weather this week was the fact that it was the anniversary of my father’s passing.  Two years ago on the 10th November, around 9:20pm, I was sat with my father during the last moments of his life on Earth.  I’d most probably spent more time with him during the 8 months he was in hospital than for the rest of my life.  In fact, I spent more time with him during this time than I did with other human beings.  It was an interesting time; he had Alzheimer’s as well as cancer and diabetes and arthritis, and just old age.

His last evening on Earth was one where he struggled to breathe, where he was in and out of consciousness, and was very agitated.  I spoke to him about things I’d done, things I planned to do, and I was very tearful as I knew he was slipping away, even if the medical staff, my mother and other members of the family thought he’d be there for months longer.  There was a smell in the room, and I just knew it was time.

I’d never seen a real dead body before, let alone been with a person coming to the end of their mortal days.  I was scared, worried if I’d be a strong enough person to stay with my father through it.  I’d always told him I’d be there with him if he wanted me to be, whether he understood me or not.  As it happened, I was strong enough.

Despite his extreme confusion thanks to the Alzheimer’s, in the last few moments of his life he knew who I was and was able to say some things that meant a lot.  He knew he was dying and about to pass away and he wasn’t scared.  I asked him if he wanted me to stay with him, he said yes.  His passing was peaceful.  After speaking it was only a few minutes before he quietly slipped away, and I observed/felt things that have since helped me on my spiritual path. In fact, I experienced many things while visiting my father that gave me and still give me cause for thought.

After he passed, the room was filled with a feeling of such love, not sadness.  The sadness was that he was so ill and suffered so much before he passed.  I didn’t feel relief, just love and a sense of peace.

For that I thank my father deeply.  I feel he granted me a great privilege to be present as his passing, so many seem to choose to pass away when their loved ones have taken leave of them, and to witness so much I can’t, as a scientist, explain yet makes sense to me as a person finding their way along a spiritual path on the Earth.  I’d like to believe that my father is on the next stage of his spiritual journey, whatever form that may take.

What has surprised me is that my mind has wandered back to that time in the past few days, and it has brought up tears with the memories.   I believe I did my grieving in the months my father was declining towards his passing, and though I had tears for a day or two afterwards I think it was more to do with emotional exhaustion.  His passing left me with a need to adjust my spiritual beliefs, to re-examine them, and I used my bereavement leave to do this.

I have wondered if these memories are what I’ve used as an ‘excuse’ to avoid facing up to issues with work …

Happy All Hallows Eve (Hallowe’en or Samhain to you)!

Angela PorterLeave a comment

Hallowe’en

Punkie3 © Angela Porter 2010

Well, it’s that time of year again isn’t it?  And it’s another time to consider the truth vs. “The Truth“.  “The Truth” is that this is an ancient pagan holiday, mainly thanks to the writings of Frazer in ‘The Golden Bough’ where he cites this as The Truth, yet there is little evidence if any for it being so (see Hutton “The Stations of the Sun’ for more details)!

There were fairs and courts held in ancient Ireland at this time, a time called Samhain by them.

The Venerable Bede writes that this time of year was known as ‘Blod Monath’ which means Blood Month – the month where all unnecessary animals were slaughtered to save fodder and the people would feast on the parts that could not be preserved.

The truth is that it’s actually more of a Christian celebration in origin!  Today is the eve of a major Catholic festival – All Saints Day (1st November) which dates from the 8th Century.  All Souls Day (2nd November) was instituted around the year 1000 as a day to pray for the dead.  In England since the 19th Century, and increasingly in the 20th and 21st Centuries, it has gained a reputation as a night on which ghosts, witches and fairies are especially active.  Why this should be so is debatable, and returns to the truth vs. The Truth.

Different sections of society have claimed it for their own, or are rejecting it as being their own.  Who is right?  Everyone!  One thing is certain, Hallowe’en is big business, especially in America, and increasingly so here in Britain.

There are many traditional events and activities here that are overshadowed by the sheer bad behaviour and malice that a minority seem to partake in with delight.  It is an aspect of this time of year that I dislike…and I don’t need to say any more about that.

I do think it’s good that children can face their fears in a safe, measured and fun way.  We all like to be scared in a safe environment; if we didn’t then the horror films and books and games wouldn’t appeal to us.  It’s part of growing up, learning to manage our fears, to indulge in imagination, to experience a different world of wonder.  It’s not just Hallowe’en that allows children to explore this; the traditional fairy stories aren’t all sweetness and light are they?

As to it being a festival that promotes evil and satanism, well, I don’t think so.  Those who would be drawn to such systems would be regardless of Hallowe’en, lets be honest.

As much as I can be pedantic about ‘the truth’ and I like to know where the traditions and beliefs have come from (the scientist, researcher in me will not be denied), I also know that traditions change and evolve over time.  What is important, perhaps more than anything else, is that traditions link us together.  We can be sure that we are not the only ones having fun at this time, indulging in shared events, and it is that sharing that reaffirms that we are all connected in some way.

Auragraphs

Auragraph for Liz © Angela Porter 28 October 2010

Auragraphs are intuitive works of art that result from a sensitive person ‘tuning into’ another person’s energy, aura, being.  The colours, shapes, symbols and patterns all have meanings that can be interpreted, giving an insight into the recipients personality, life, and potential.  I’ve been experimenting with them for the last couple of months, and yesterday I was showing them to people at an open day at a local spiritual organisation.

A couple I had already done found their way to the people they were meant for.  Orders were taken for another couple, and all the proceeds are going into the organisations funds as donations.  It was an interesting experience for me in many ways.

Giving the interpretation (reading) for the recipient was interesting, and it was nice that they were so right.  Working with someone who wants one done for them and allowing the images/shapes to flow on to paper – just as sketches – and talking about why they are appearing and what they mean, and getting feed back on that was very interesting.

The two ordered have only been done as sketches; they will take around 12 hours each to complete, so that will keep me busy, as will writing down the readings for those verbally given will be interesting!  I really do need to carry my digital dictaphone with me more often I think.

The Ghost Train

Punkie1 © Angela Porter 2010I actually made it to the Pontypool and Blaenavon Railway yesterday, after the open day at Treforest.

I didn’t arrive until around 5:30pm and most of the visitors had been and gone.  I did get to read one story to one family.  And that was fine.  Though I did enjoy winding up small children in a nice way, as well as saving them from the scary vampire who was stalking the carriages!  I do hope I’ll get to read some more stories today …

I really enjoy story telling /reading.  It’s another shared activity that bonds people together, allows them to make connections, and it’s also an opportunity for imaginations to be used, something that isn’t done so often these days.

This may be my last time at the railway, however.  I find the connections I once thought I had there are now very weak, if not non-existent.  Things change, which leads me to …

What All Hallows Eve Means to Me

Autumm Leaves © Angela Porter 2010

I always think of All Hallows Eve (Hallowe’en to you!) as mid-Autumn.  It certainly is this year; the world is wearing its coat of glorious flaming Autumn hues!  I love it when I drive along through a flurry of leaves blown off the trees by a sudden gust of wind.  The warmth of the colours envelops me as I journey around the world, a warm memory is being stored to see me through the cold, dark days of Winter.

The Earth is preparing to sleep through those Winter days, taking a hard-earned rest before coming to life again in the Spring.  All that is unnecessary, finished with, complete  is being shed, the falling leaves being symbolic of that.

As this clearing out happens out in the world of Nature, so it happens within.  It’s time to look back on the year, to give thanks for what is complete, finish that which is almost complete, and let go of that which is finished, has served its purpose, that we have outgrown.  In doing so we make space in our lives for further personal growth.  And this is the potted version of how I relate to this particular spoke on the wheel of the year.

For me, it seems the railway is to go.  My SmartCar and all her problems have gone.  I may soon be finished with counselling … but we’ll see about that, there’s still my self-image, confidence, self-love to be worked on.  I’m not sure about anything else, but that will become apparent as time goes on.