It is damp and dismal here in the Valleys of South Wales, UK. There’s a misty/foggy feeling to the view from my window which hides much of the glorious autumnal colours. A wind waves branches and leaves and I’m grateful to be safe, dry and warm at home. A spotify playlist is gently playing through my Huawei Free Clips as gently potter around taking photos and panicking about what to write about today.
Let’s start with my current works in progress (WIPs)…
Yesterday I started on this one in a YouTube livestream. Just like what to write about in this blog, I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do! Well, apart from adding some distress inks to colour the white paper! Evergreen Bough, Peeled Paint and Aged Mahogany. Not as pale as they appear in the video/photo. But dark enough to ‘break’ the blank, white page.
The paper is half letter size and I’m using it in landscape; it’s much easier for me to use when videoing and I’m less likely to go out of view. I get so engrossed in the process of drawing I forget to check in still in frame. But hopefully I’m forgiven by the viewers.
All I wanted to do was to relax and enjoy the process of drawing and to try to limit myself to a small number of motifs and patterns. This is something I’d like to continue to do going forward…but who knows what I’m likely to do next. For now this works for me.
This one is something I’m working on away from the cameras. I’m using a letter-sized piece of paper and, again, a limited number of patterns/motifs. I’m using 0.5 and 0.3 Unipin fineliners as I find I really do like bolder lines. If I use finer pens it never feels right to me, and I think I have to learn to trust my own instincts and tastes a lot more.
It seems I’m also returning to not leaving much in the way of white space…but I think that’s more to do with the style of the art I’m creating.
What I do know now is that I’m feeling brain tired and need to nap before my meditation class this evening otherwise I’ll be good for nothing in leading the meditation.
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? The reason? I’ve been finding it difficult to manage my various autistic batteries viz. social, sensory, interoception difficulties and masking. That results in my mind ‘short circuiting’ and I find myself mentally tired, and unable to speak, listen or do much. When this happens, my mind and senses are just so tired that I need a lot of alone time, sleep, and activities that soothe me.
Add to the mix that menopause has hit and it has all intensified so much, especially with all the ways that the hormonal levels have changed.
So, I’ve not had the mental capacity to write blogs, post art or just do more than draw from time to time, listen to TV/Podcasts that don’t cause a drain on my resources, and sleep a lot. Oh, and StarDew Valley!
I’ve felt that I’m permanently on the edge of a shutdown, heading to a burnout all the time. I recover somewhat in a day or three, but then I end up draining the batteries again.
The odd thing, or perhaps not so odd thing, is that when I’m with people and and getting towards overwhelm, I’m discovering stims I never knew I had, particularly when I’m with people in person. That is interesting to me, as is the realisation they’re helping me cope with things so I can finish the event.
The hardest challenge for me is learning to manage my energy and remembering that ‘NO is a sentence’. One of my problems through life has been being a people-pleaser; another autistic trait. Using ‘no’ and not feeling guilty is really difficult, but I will get there… perhaps!
Three Pen and Ink Drawings
I read a book – “Draw Tiny and Make Great Art!” by Anna Tjalsma-Pogorzelec (@Licosmoss). It helped me to rediscover my love of drawing small motifs and patterns and weaving intricate drawings – the type of art that got me noticed and led to me working as an adult colouring book artist.
Over time, however, the requests from publishers was to be less intricate, larger motifs and characters, and though I enjoyed the work, I lost my connection with my love of intricacy.
I’ve rediscovered it and the three drawings at the top of this post are my latest versions. There’s a bit of creepy cute going on for Hallowe’en (one of my favourite times of the year!). But there’s also botanicals and my beloved arches that I don’t draw often now.
I smiled and giggled as I drew these drawings, something I’ve lost overtime as things got all too serious in some ways.
So, another thing I need to do is try to be true to myself as much as possible. Draw in ways that allow my arty heart to sing it’s song of creativity. Create work that makes me smile, and then share the joy with others.
This world needs more whimsy, smiles, and joy, and if my art contributes to that even just a smidgen then I’ve done something positive as an artist.
I really enjoyed the challenge, which I always seem to do as an exploration of each pattern, looking for variations and working with them.
I also have found that ‘going live’ is really good for me. I can get a video done when I have the mental/emotional energy and focus without the adding drain of editing and so on. It’s also nice to have some interaction with people who message in the chat during the livestream.
Creating content by livestreams isn’t as draining for me as you might think, given my comments above. I’m in my safe, quiet home. I’m essentially chatting about the art, things that are going through my mind as I draw. There’s not much noise going on around me (though at the moment noisy, bangy fireworks are going off…again) and I don’t get so drained. Even if I feel tired after the livestream, It’s a different kind of tiredness to interacting with people.
So, going forward with YouTube I’m going to focus on livestreams, as impromptu as they may be, as a way of creating content without draining me. Art is one of my passions, sharing my processes and lessons I have/am learning is too. Editing videos really is a real drudge and drain on my resources! Wellbeing boundary set!
It’s been a good couple of months since I last added an entry to my blog. It’s not that I haven’t tried to; it’s just that I’ve not been able to. Let me explain.
Since I had Covid back in October 2024, I’ve been experiencing chronic fatigue, a scattered and unfocused mind, and an inability to stay focused on a task for much time at all. Even as I type this, I’m losing my train of thought and have to pause often to try to work out what I was about to type or to find the words that just won’t come to the forefront of my mind.
I can spend 10 to 12 or more hours a day sleeping and still not feel refreshed. Taking part in everyday events or tasks is overwhelmingly tiring; not so much physically but mentally and emotionally.
Everything physiological has been ruled out. Covid coincided with me being prescribed a new medication. I’ve stopped that medication, with the blessing of my doctor, so to speak, to see if that was the cause of this fatigue. It’s not and I’m awaiting a review with the doctor soon. I think they mentioned a review to a post viral syndrome clinic or long covid clinic.
I can get really frustrated. Even my art isn’t as prolific as before. Though I get lost in it quite easily, I can’t do much more than 30 mins to 45 mins in a stint, if I’m lucky. Even now, I’ve spent less than an hour scanning in a couple of drawings, creating the images for social media, and getting this far in my blog and I could just fall asleep again. Not even perimenopause/menopause has been this bad…
So, this is the state of my health currently, fine and good apart from this pesky fatigue.
Arty stuff
I have been drawing, but not as much as I usually would have been doing. The two images above are just two that I have completed in the last couple of months or so.
The one on the right resulted in some enquires about buying it. However something weird was going on with the contacts and nothing ever came of it. But, when I’m up to focusing on what I need to do, I will be posting some artwork either on Ko-Fi or Etsy for sale. I wish I could say when, but …
So, I’m still creating, as the fatigue allows.
And so…
…it’s time for me to end this post and go and rest again – I feel so tired and sleepy and unfocussed once again.
All I can say is thank you for bearing with me. I’ll share when I’m able to, but I don’t think there’ll be any YouTube videos for a while as they are just too much for me to accomplish at this time. Hopefully, recovery is occuring, albeit slowly. Only time will tell, that’s for sure.
I’ve been away from social media for quite a while (I’ll tell you a little more later in this post). So today, I had the energy and time to record a YouTube video in which I drew the design in the photo. The video is due to be available to view at 20:00 UK time today, 14 June 2024.
I started with a 6.75″ x 5″ piece of Ohuhu Mixed Media paper. For those of us who prefer metric, that’s 17.5 x 12.7 cm. I like this paper. It takes watercolour nicely enough for my limited ability to use it. It’s also nice to draw on with a pen or pencil, with its light texture.
The next step was to draw a square, approximately 4″ x 4″ (10 cm x 10cm), in pencil. I like to frame my drawings as if they’re a small glimpse into a much larger imaginary world of abstract and stylised wonders.
Then, it was time to wield my UniPin pens (0.5, 0.3 and 0.1).
I knew I wanted to leave some empty space for watercolour. I also knew I wanted to use a 4B graphite pencil with a tortillon to add shade. Other than that, my mind was empty of any plan. Working intuitively called to me, so I followed that calling.
So, I started with a bit of a wibbly wobbly circle. Then, I just let the design flow and grow using my favourite lines and shapes. I added details as I went, starting to bring the design to life using the density of ink to add some shadow and highlight.
Once the penwork was finished, it was time to add shade. My aim was to bring out a feeling of dimension to the drawing. I’ve long loved playing with contrast more than numerous colours in my work. My goal was to give the appearance of the design floating above the background.
The graphite shadows partly completed that goal. I used turquoise watercolour to add intense colour to the empty spaces. It also allowed me to play with the magic blooming of watercolour dotted into the damp areas to provide more texture.
I love to watch watercolours bloom and spread in this way. Having no control over this blooming and spreading is good for me; I can be too controlling about how I draw and create.
Little by little, I’m learning to allow a little more imperfection into my art to make it more ‘human’ It becomes not wrong but charmingly imperfect. At least, that’s how I like to think of it, and perhaps myself too. Maybe learning that I’m charmingly perfectly imperfect is a personal goal.
I really enjoyed the hour or so I spent creating this small piece of art. I did think about adding some gold, black, or white pen to the turquoise parts to bring out some of the beautiful textures that are there. I’ve decided, however, to err on the side of caution and to leave well alone.
Overall, I had a lovely time, and I hope you enjoy watching the video if you choose to do so.
Why have I been missing for a while?
For around 18 months, I’ve been struggling with my health – nothing serious. Between anaemia (iron and B12), peri-menopause, and IBS, I’ve been so tired a lot of the time. My concentration hasn’t been what it could be. All the energy I had needed to be put into my latest book for Creative Haven – Haunted – and is full of creepy cute characters.
I thoroughly enjoyed doing the book, even though I got tired quite quickly.
Then, my main computer, a Microsoft Surface Studio, unexpectedly died. So, after much thought, I switched to using a 24″ XP-Pen graphics tablet and my new-ish laptop to do the same job. I had a lot to learn and a way to set up Clip Studio Paint that would work efficiently for me on this new device, But I got there.
In the process of using the new gadgets, I’ve realised how much I love to draw on pen and paper. I think I’ll be doing much more of that going forward for my work on colouring books and moving more towards tradigital working.
That was a bit of a meandering journey through what happened. It’s not the only stuff. I needreevaluate my view of myself as being ‘broken’ to being ‘different’ and accept these revelations. There are a lot of ‘OH!’ moments as I recognise things in my past that point to my differences. There’s also some grieving for what could’ve been if I’d only known sooner about them, But it really does help me accept myself and adjust the wrong beliefs I’ve held about my life forever. It’s an acceptance of who I really am, not what I’ve been led to believe. That’s progress for me, for sure. I ama always amazed by the feeling of some tension in my body being released as I recognise a memory for what it is-a new understanding of myself with the new information I have.
All of this has been both exciting and draining in many different ways. It has been totally necessary. This self-acceptance is working its way into my artistic style, too.
I’ve been working on this drawing over the past three or four days when I’m alert enough to do so. I’m pleased with the final version, especially as I kept to just a few basic motifs. It was in the deep, dark depths of last night that I finished adding the final textural patterns.
Is this entirely finished? I’m still trying to figure it out! It would benefit from shade/contrast to bring out the layers and volume of the various elements. I’m still determining how I want to accomplish that; part of me thinks digitally is the way to go, but another part considers pastel pencils may work well.
There is no rush to complete it. It is in an A4 sketchbook – Talens Creations, to be precise. Now it’s been scanned in, I can either work on it digitally or edit various sections, such as the too-dense patterns in the bottom centre and the fine, white strands with blobs on the ends.
I used 05 and 01 Sakura Pigma Micron pens and an 08 White Gelly Roll pen to complete the drawing.
I tend towards the digital for such tasks. I can try things out without the fear of messing the artwork up.
Emotional and Mental Wellbeing
However, I won’t be trying to do so today. This is because I’m zonked out and so sleepy. The higher dose of anti-depressant/anxiety meds is working, for sure. I know these side effects will subside as my body gets used to the increased levels of the meds and serotonin. So all is to the good, and onwards I go.
It can be hard to be gentle with myself at times. I know I’ve not done much regarding social media or YouTube for a few months. First, I had a severe injury to the muscles between the ribs. Although the muscles are fine now, I still have tenderness/soreness with some ligaments/tendons. That will heal in time, and it’s manageable.
Then, there was a decline in my mental and emotional health, followed by the new medication. I’m so grateful you are bearing with me during my trying time.
I know this time will pass; it did in the past with the help of meds and therapy. This time, just the meds are needed. I know what provoked the decline – too many changes at once and too many people-y times too. And last week had some people-y times – another funeral to attend and some serious bits of adulting in person.
Being gentle with myself is essential this week. I don’t want wonderful, grand, or amazing days. I need days of peace, gentleness and contentment. Then, with some awe and wonder of nature, I can feel alert and aware enough to venture forth for a walk.
The comfort of a good mug of tea, quiet and calming activities -drawing, crocheting (I’m faffing around with hyperbolic crochet just for fun and because I can), and tv/films that make me smile and even laugh.
We’re all under too much pressure to be ‘productive’ and have a ‘grand day’ every day. That’s not possible. Even during dark days, I can find things that bring me some contentment and peace, sometimes awe and wonder at nature and the universe. Those small moments mean far more daily than the colossal mountain of a ‘wonderful day’ or ‘grand day’.
A gentle and good-enough day. Good enough, such an important ideal, especially from an inveterate hyper-perfectionist! I’ve been learning in the last decade or more that being good enough is good enough! Perfect is unattainable. Accepting our imperfections in whatever sphere of our lives is necessary. They are part of us.
Recently, I’ve realised I wear a mask to cover up my ‘imperfections’. Quirks or individuality could be a better way of saying imperfections. But it’s exhausting to keep that mask up. That’s part of why I’m so exhausted after being around people.
The mask I wear is from very early in childhood from the ‘don’t do that’ and other messages that made me perceive I was not good enough and just plain weird. How many of us have experienced that? So the mask was to help me fit in and not receive those criticisms. It had layers added to it over my lifetime, so much I don’t really know who I am; always trying to be the person everyone else wanted me to be rather than myself.
Again, how many of us are like this?
I discovered during EMDR that I am good enough, warts and all. So, I started to uncover the real me and show it to someone I’d built trust with. But it was just a start. Now, it’s time for me to discover more about myself and what my mask is hiding from me and learn that there is nothing I need to be ashamed of. If I can embrace my geeking out over Star Wars, steam locomotives, art, and many other things… Well, I can start to embrace those parts of me that have been hidden as they were deemed different, weird, odd, and quirky to others in some way.
It’s a process, and I’m still determining how much I’ll achieve it. But if I can accept my style of art is good enough and an expression of what goes on in my mind and heart, then I can discover and accept the other bits of me.
A genuinely unsettling time, yet one with the hope of finally answering some questions about who I really am, which is not really the person I’ve been forced to be by other people’s expectations. It’s both causing me anxiety and depression, but also it’s exciting me. Yes, we can hold more than one conflicting emotion at any time!
And, again, how many of us are like this? I do know I am not alone in such a journey.
I’m rapidly filling up an A5 sketchbook with drawings like this. Some have hand lettering in them, while others do not. This style of illustration is familiar to me. It comes naturally, and so is something I can cope with now. The familiarity and repetitive nature of the motifs and patterns are soothing. As I’m working in a sketchbook, there is no pressure on me for things to be perfect. And that is what I need at this time. I just need to create for the sheer enjoyment of creating. Then, there will be enough time to continue exploring other things when I’m back on form.
Mental and Emotional Well-being…
I’m often told that trust is a more positive word than hope when used in conjunction with wanting things to improve. So, I am doing my best to trust that my emotions and thoughts will improve and I won’t feel so darned sleepy and tired all the time.
I suspect I’ve been trying too hard for too long to keep up a mask of contentedness, and all is fine with me when interacting with others. But, unfortunately, it’s something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. It probably contributed to my two intense and lengthy bouts of anxiety and depression, eventually leading to me leaving teaching around 9 or 10 years ago.
After years of EMDR therapy and reflecting on the past, I thought I’d learned my lesson about not letting things get worse and worse and refusing to admit to myself I’m struggling with my mood and thoughts.
It seems that isn’t so.
However, I did reach out for help last week. So now, I have to give myself permission to ease off and give the meds a chance to work.
I had tried so hard to help myself lift my mood and dispel the dark thoughts. They wouldn’t go. Waking up in the night with my mind racing and catastrophising wasn’t good. I couldn’t do this by myself this time.
I know what has led to this state of affairs, and it’s not just one thing.
So, eventually, I worked out I needed help before I ended up in a state similar to how I was all that time ago when my Doctor told me, ‘You’ve nearly broken your mind. It needs a rest. A long rest. And these little pills will help, honestly.’
Those words got through to me. And soon after taking the first dose, my mind was magically quiet, and no longer was I being mean to myself.
There should be no stigma or discrimination about medication to help with mental and emotional ill-health. However, there is none if you need antibiotics for an infection or a plaster-cast to help heal a broken bone.
So, I’m in the process of getting the level of medication to a steady level and the side effects to subside. But, until that happens, I have no choice but to be kind and gentle to myself and not push myself to do more than I’m capable of doing.
It’s a gloomy, wet Saturday here in the Valleys of South Wales, and the weather matches my mood. My inner sun touchstone of contentment is still there; I can sense it as a constant beneath the clouds and know that it is there the same way I know the Sun is behind the clouds (or the Earth at night). All storms, or successions of storms, eventually pass, and I know that the stormy inner weather is related to something(s) I’m having to work through and sort out. I will get there. I was reminded today that I’ve got myself through such times in the past and that I’m quite capable of doing so again (thanks to my friend for reminding me!).
To use my metaphor, I’ll weather the storms that come and go, and art will help me do so.
When I sit and draw, my mind empties of all the thoughts the negative self-talk likes to shout at me, the sunny touchstone shines through the clouds a little more and the contentment increases. For a while, I have a break from it all. And when I stop drawing, I feel better, even if the storm starts up again.
I will be fine; I am in many ways. And there’s always art. And writing. And music. And Star Wars!
Oh, the page above. I worked on it last night and today. I’ve done as much as I want on the page. Partly coloured or shaded, and some areas with a darker background. It is, to me, a way to suggest what I could do. That’s why I like pages like this. Unfinished, or inconsistently finished, with possibilities and potential and inspiration.
I used 05 and 01 Sakura Pigma Micron Pens to draw the design. To add some shade and the background, a Warm Grey III Pitt Artist Brush pen was used. And various Graphitint pencils and a water brush added colour to other motifs.
It took me a long time to summon the oompf and draw. And my creative brain defaulted to this style of art – comfort art. It’s familiar to me and doesn’t need much focus. I trust my intuition. And the last pen stroke determines the next. There’s a flow to this kind of drawing that is soothing, calming, and healing. And I really, REALLY need that today!
It’s been a very people-y week. I’ve been overwrought emotionally and mentally for a few weeks now, at least a few weeks. And venturing into the world where I’ve had to interact with people means putting that smiley, happy mask on. And that is very draining all on its own.
Although time with one friend this week helped to sort out where I was latching the fear and anxiety, my upset and downright glum mood was not where it should be docked.
But, the fear, anxiety, exhaustion and inner gloom have settled in again. I am peopled out. While I’m this emotionally and mentally tired, I can’t trust the thoughts that arise from the emotions. Yes, that anxiety has been there for as long as I can remember. It has been relatively quiet for the past three or four years since I found my touchstone of contentment. However, things are happening that have provoked the beast. I’m trying to remember and re-learn that I can feel anxiety even if there is no reason to. My mind will try to find a logical explanation for it.
So, today has been a day where I need some time to recover. I must remember how to be gentle to myself and give myself the space I need to express my emotions and rest. Drawing entangled art, my default style, was in order. And a hefty dose of Star Wars has definitely been needed! Oh, to be a Jedi!
Ice cream would be most welcome too. However, it’s not good for me, so I’ll decide what to eat later.
I need soothing, calming art today. One day I may share why I’m so topsy-turvy emotionally and mentally. But not now.
For now, I’m being creative in a way that soothes my inner maelstrom. It’s a mini maelstrom, but still enough to provoke unease, fear, and unsettling emotions. Still, these things pass in time. And I have a lot to experience and learn connected to this unease and fear. I just don’t know the timescale and that kind of makes it worse!
But art is always my solace, though I need to find others too. There’s my illustrated journal – writing and, erm, art! It’s been a long while since I played my flute. Nearly a week since I went out for a walk. I still have an electric folk harp I’ve not learned how to play! And there’s plenty of tea to drink.
Tea! Twice, thrice and twice-twice blessed! Tea is always soothing, especially at that magic temperature where it just feels like every part of you relaxes, and a sigh of relief and pleasure is released!
So, once I’ve finished all my social media stuff, I’ll get another mug of tea and get a YouTube video done. Yes, more art. But I love drawing!
For a long while, I’ve been playing around with hand lettering, using my writing in art, and the idea of marrying together writing and drawing. Today, I started a new sketchbook dedicated to this idea and exploration. I woke up this morning with the concept clear in my head, and so I did!
A sketchbook is a perfect place to experiment and try things out. I’ve already got various notes on this page reflecting on what is working and what isn’t. And there’s some reflective journaling too. My handwriting is a mess. That Distress Ink-ed dot grid paper looks really grubby. The Inktense pencils and the use of a water brush may not have been a good idea on the sketchbook paper. However, it is a sketchbook. It’s not meant to be anything other than a place to explore, experiment, and unearth hidden thoughts and ideas.
The last paragraph had a lot of negatives in it. I do like the border, and this is something I’ll continue to do. The idea of collating notes onto a page intrigues me; even adding pockets and other things from junk journaling could be an idea. Places to store notes about ingredients and so on. I enjoy researching all kinds of things, including foods, ingredients, spices and condiments.
Food illustrations
What is new is me drawing food! I don’t know if I’ll ever draw a plate or bowl of food, but the ingredients or various elements interest me. So I’ve written a note to myself to see if I can make patterns or motifs for my more abstract, non-representational work from them.
I also must learn that colours can be imperfect; close enough is good enough! The ginger jam (more correctly, ginger preserve) was troublesome. But it’s good enough for now.
Soothing fraught emotions and thoughts
I’ve been relatively open with my mental and emotional health challenges, to a degree at least. And I thought it would be an excellent idea to combine that with food, and maybe more.
Art and food are two ways I can soothe and comfort myself. On good days, I’ll be adventurous with cooking. It may be a takeaway delivery or something quick and easy on bad days. On the in-between days, comforting food is the go-to, often more traditional recipes.
Cooking is always a challenge as a singleton. However, the motivation to cook and feed me wholesome and healthy food can be a considerable challenge, especially on my fraught and frazzled days.
Where will this lead?
I don’t know. I know it’s a personal project, but a friend and I have talked about collaborating on a project about cooking. So this may be a way of kicking the project off, even though I am still determining where it will go. If nothing else, it will give me a way to draw new and different things, explore various techniques, both in art and cooking, and reflect on all kinds of things. I’ll get to practice my handwriting and hand lettering as well. And perhaps work out how to create a pleasing layout!
This will, I trust, encourage me to take more care of myself in terms of nutrition. In addition, adding daily entries for at least one meal will hold me accountable.
A variety of meals/dishes will be required too and so will stop me from eating the same old things again and again! That’s a rut I can get stuck in. Also, if I find something I enjoy, I will eat it again and again, day after day, until I become sickened by it! That is not good either!
Am I overloading myself with projects?
I have a book to do for Creative Haven by the end of June. There are some self-published colouring books that I’d like to do too. Then there’s my creepy-cute monsters project. YouTube. Writing. And more!
I often can’t see the wood for the trees. Being able to prioritise has never been a strong skill of mine. However, I do need variety and options of what to work on. Otherwise, the work can become stale and uninspiring to me. And I can so easily get overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, or tasks, to be done. And then there’s the fear of failure, of not being good enough, that results in procrastination.
Also, I know that at the moment, my emotions and, thus, my mental state isn’t the best; new challenges in life outside of art and creativity. But that means that art and creativity are more important to me to help me calm, relax, get in the flow and give my mind and emotions a break!
I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I’m not one for schedules of work day by day and hour by hour. That may be something I need to look into.
But not now. Now I need a mega-big mug of good strong tea! I’m British (Welsh), and we think tea will solve everything!
Art is the Adventure 