The Drawing
I’m rapidly filling up an A5 sketchbook with drawings like this. Some have hand lettering in them, while others do not. This style of illustration is familiar to me. It comes naturally, and so is something I can cope with now. The familiarity and repetitive nature of the motifs and patterns are soothing. As I’m working in a sketchbook, there is no pressure on me for things to be perfect. And that is what I need at this time. I just need to create for the sheer enjoyment of creating. Then, there will be enough time to continue exploring other things when I’m back on form.
Mental and Emotional Well-being…
I’m often told that trust is a more positive word than hope when used in conjunction with wanting things to improve. So, I am doing my best to trust that my emotions and thoughts will improve and I won’t feel so darned sleepy and tired all the time.
I suspect I’ve been trying too hard for too long to keep up a mask of contentedness, and all is fine with me when interacting with others. But, unfortunately, it’s something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. It probably contributed to my two intense and lengthy bouts of anxiety and depression, eventually leading to me leaving teaching around 9 or 10 years ago.
After years of EMDR therapy and reflecting on the past, I thought I’d learned my lesson about not letting things get worse and worse and refusing to admit to myself I’m struggling with my mood and thoughts.
It seems that isn’t so.
However, I did reach out for help last week. So now, I have to give myself permission to ease off and give the meds a chance to work.
I had tried so hard to help myself lift my mood and dispel the dark thoughts. They wouldn’t go. Waking up in the night with my mind racing and catastrophising wasn’t good. I couldn’t do this by myself this time.
I know what has led to this state of affairs, and it’s not just one thing.
So, eventually, I worked out I needed help before I ended up in a state similar to how I was all that time ago when my Doctor told me, ‘You’ve nearly broken your mind. It needs a rest. A long rest. And these little pills will help, honestly.’
Those words got through to me. And soon after taking the first dose, my mind was magically quiet, and no longer was I being mean to myself.
There should be no stigma or discrimination about medication to help with mental and emotional ill-health. However, there is none if you need antibiotics for an infection or a plaster-cast to help heal a broken bone.
So, I’m in the process of getting the level of medication to a steady level and the side effects to subside. But, until that happens, I have no choice but to be kind and gentle to myself and not push myself to do more than I’m capable of doing.
Angela Porter 
Dear Angela, you are so right!
Your drawings have soothed, inspired, and created a spark in me on many an occasion. I, too, believed that I wasn’t enough, didn’t deserve accolades, had no right, underneath it all, to expect better – all while trying to prove how funny I was, and talented, and smart, and worthy.
I spent 7 years in therapy trying to learn why I felt the way I did. I knew I was strong but couldn’t help the way I felt. I remember saying to one of my therapist’s that, I was willing to walk through the shadow of the valley of death in order to get to the bottom of what was drowning my soul. I was consumed and dedicated to find the answer. I didn’t want any medication that I felt would only mask what the real issue was.
It was then that she asked me to consider the possibility that medication would ENABLE me to accomplish what I wanted rather than to proclaim how weak I was. I did take the med. It did lift the cloud that shadowed my every attempt to find something to be grateful for. This med enabled me to distinguish between what I knew I could feel and what I’d spent too many years secretly convincing myself I couldn’t.
I still have crippling reoccurrences of doubting my value at times, but only at times, not all the time.
I encourage you to be gentle with yourself. To know that you do know what it feels like to not be stuck in the mire. Rest, comfort yourself, and heal for now. The spark of hope and incentive will return. Please take care. I, for one, value you greatly.
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Thank you so much for your kind words and relating part of your life.
I know the meds will work, in time. I’ve had them before.
Thank you so much once again Linda xxx
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