A #DrawWithMe video tutorial featuring this design is available from 21:00 UK time today, 29 July 2023.

Missing from social media…

It’s been nearly two weeks since I last posted any art to social media. I managed to burn myself out with too much adulting, a people-y couple of hours, and pushing myself way too much to get all the sketches done for the Daydreams book. I just ended up exhausted, unable to focus, and couldn’t even muster the energy to draw for my own pleasure. That is a bad sign.

I’m having to learn and understand a lot about myself at this time in my life. Lots of things have changed – not the big things in life, but things of personal matters to me, including health, age and a couple of other things. This means I really need to make sure I start to set limits for myself as to how much I realistically can do. It seems that it may be better for me to do less, rather than push myself to my maximum limit which results in the start of burnout.

What does burnout look like for me? Intense fatigue, inability to focus, a loss of joy in things I usually enjoy, a desire not to communicate or leave my home, an upset digestive system, and frustration if I try to do anything slightly demanding.

I still remember how I was when I have my first huge burnout and all the health problems (physical, mental and emotional) that built up in the run-up to it. Back in February this year, I nearly ended up in such a state again. Just a few months isn’t quite enough to fully recover, however. It took me years to recover from the first two big burnouts, which happened within a year and a half of each other.

It’s taken me until now to recognise the connection between what’s happening to me, which is only being exacerbated by perimenopause.

This means that I’ve had two weeks without being able to make any social media posts. I’ve avoided social media, apart from reposting posts I’ve found interesting on the times I’ve checked in. I’m not the most sociable person, being an introvert, but am less sociable during times like this.

I’m exhausted not just from the pressure I’ve put on myself to get as much work done as possible. There’s also been the masking when I go out where people are so they don’t know how much I’m struggling inside. Keeping that appearance up is exhausting. I’m a bit like a swan – calm and serene above the surface, but underneath I’m going ninety-to-the-dozen to keep myself afloat and moving.

Yes, I know the expression is nineteen-to-the-dozen, but I really have felt like it’s ninety not nineteen.

The thing is, that’s how I’ve always been for as long as can remember. I didn’t have the words or way to describe how I felt or thought when I was a child or teen, or even an adult. In therapy, I had to learn what emotions were. I was astounded to discover that not everyone thinks or feels like I do.

Not having conversations about my constant anxiety bordering on fear, or my negative self-talk meant I thought this was all normal. If only I’d had those conversations as a child!

Still, I got there eventually…and am still learning about myself and how this impacts me, especially at this time. I have to know my own limits and do a lot more self-care of my energy and focus, mind and emotions, body and soul.

I’d like to think I’m making progress. However, when everything crashes in it can be hard to remember all of this. I get caught up in a maelstrom of fear and the old negative, destructive thoughts of that inner voice that is so damn judgemental.

The positive thing is I recognised that I was spiralling down back in February and sought out medical help. The hard thing is working out what my new limits are. I need to learn to stop before I start to crash and fatigue and low mood and other problems set in.

I think I may have overdone it today – I recorded, sorted out and am uploading a 2 hour how-to tutorial today. I enjoyed drawing and so on very much, but I feel so tired now. Perhaps all the social media was a bit too much! But I do want to do it and will take a break in a wee while for sure.