Life

Releasing Chained Anger

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ReleasingChainedAnger©Angela Porter 2012

Approx. 11″ x9″

Acrylic inks, technical drawing pens and a few dots of metallic gold ink…but not too many.

As I’ve been working on this today, I realised that it represents how years and years of anger and frustration have been trapped within me, thanks to my childhood upbringing and later life.  I’m learning about emotions at my more mature age, having suppressed them for so long in order to, basically, survive.

Even though the structure seems very ordered and controlled, that is how it always has been for me.  May the gods forbid that I should show a coarse or ugly display of temper or emotion!

There are cracks there though … and gradually (or not so if the emotional outbursts of the last couple of days are anything to go by) they will be released and healing can properly begin.

It’ll be worth it as I gradually become the person I’m supposed to be, rather than the one that was forced into the wrong sized, shaped and textured hole as a child, young adult, and beyond …

Lost…

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… one voice.  Stolen sometime last night.  If found please return.

Yup, I have acute laryngitis yet again.  My voice has completely vanished.  I discovered this when I got into work this morning, went to say ‘morning’ to a colleague and all that came out was a random squeak.

A two hour wait in the doctor’s surgery to be seen and I’ve been told to stay off work for at least a week, possibly two.   Total voice rest – no whispering, as that’s worse than talking.  I’m a teacher, so no voice means no can do my job…not unless they’d let me teach via Tweets or text messages – which I very much doubt!

Ho hum…what to do that doesn’t involve my voice…art…hypnotherapy script creating and essay writing…reading…film watching…practising my listening skills…

Calendar change-over eve…

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The old to the new

Well, the end of the calendar year, and the astronomical year if the Winter Solstice is seen as the end of one cycle and the start of the next, has come with a pile of revelations from a friend and a series of bangs that have released some inner demons and tears and uncovered an emptiness and knotted-ness in my gut area.

I’m pleased for my friend, don’t get me wrong.  At last they are taking the little yet huge step they need to take to release them from a situation that is untenable for them and into a new phase of their life’s journey.  I wish them happiness and joy and love.  I worry that they are chasing a rainbow, a dream that will not live up to reality, they’ll find the grass isn’t greener, but I know that they’ll find themselves progressing forward in a way they couldn’t where the currently are at.

Their excitement, fear, trepidation, hope and all the other things their going through has stirred up some ‘stuff’ within me that needs to be worked on and examined, which are, in no particular order:

  • Job and Career – Teaching is no longer healthy for me and though I find pleasure and satisfaction in some areas of the job, increasingly I’m finding it harder and harder to cope with other aspects of it.  I need to look at myself and what I can offer in terms of being an employee and what I need from a workplace in order to feel appreciated, valued, successful and that I am achieving good and truly helping people.  What kind of career I want, I don’t know.  Maybe training as a hypnotherapist will lead me along the way.  However, I do know I need to identify what I’d like to do, and that starts with what I can do and so on.
  • Relationships – I’ve been single for, gosh, thirteen and a half years now.  Along the way I’ve had many experiences placed along the spectrum of good to absolutely goddam awful.  I’ve felt time and time again the hurt of rejection and the blow it delivers to my self-esteem, self-respect and so on, and of course I realise that I expected nothing else.  Well, it’s about time that changed and it’s time for me to learn about relationships…big step for me.  How I do this, I don’t know, but it will start with me looking at myself honestly at the qualities I have, good and not so good, and come to accept and care about myself.
  • Friendships – I have a small number of very good friends, but learning to ask for help and accepting it when it is given is … a big hurdle for me.  I’ve had to be strong and independent for so long, to prove I can do it, that admitting I can’t is a big thing.
  • Creativity – I do not do enough to develop my writing skills and to weave stories.  I doubt my ability to do this.  I fear plagiarising, being unoriginal, being boring or trite.  I fear failure (damn that ultra-perfectionist part of me that doesn’t recognise when something is good enough).  I feel a sense of being overwhelmed when I think about telling a tale.  The result is I do nothing.  I also am lacking inspiration in art, finding myself doing the same kind of thing over and over and over …

The common threads running through all of this involve me learning to love myself by knowing who I am and to accept myself for this, warts and all.  I need to raise my self-esteem, my confidence, to be brave enough to start something.  Above all else, I need to find the courage to be brave enough to share something of myself with others.

To follow tradition or not?

This year, more than at any other time, I’ve found the traditions and the significance of events more puzzling and confusing.

The rational scientist in me recognises that time is a continuous flow, the only markers on time are the ones we place there so that we can agree on when we are talking about and the meaning we attach to those markers is manufactured to satisfy a need for predictable events in our lives, to bring some kind of order to what appears to be an otherwise random and chaotic existence.

Then the more spiritual aspect of me kicks in and says that it’s OK to do this, to mark the various points on the wheel of the year, the various events that we celebrate, the things we give meaning to.  They connect us together, for we are all connected, not just to all other human beings, not just to all life on Earth, but to the very stuff the Earth and, indeed, the Universe is made out of, the energy that constantly flows round and round.

We are not disconnected from the cycles that we can observe on this planet.  We may rationalise that they are caused by scientific laws, that they have no meaning.

However, I’m coming to realise that they do have meaning.  They bring us together and remind us that we are not separate, that what one of us does impacts on the whole, to a greater or lesser degree.  By honouring the traditions we connect to the patterns that are stored in the universal consciousness for humans have been honouring the same observed patterns and events over many, many generations.  It’s a way of honouring our forebears, of connecting to the present day, and of speaking to the future too.

It’s important, however, to decide if the particular traditions or observances fit in with your own philosophy, why you celebrate in the way you do, and to recognise that it is perfectly acceptable to change them as you grow and develop as a person, and not to just follow them blindly because you have always done them.  It is, of course, perfectly acceptable to create traditions of  your own too.

It may be that because I lead a very solitary existence, traditions celebrated by oneself have not really had any particular meaning, or have changed as my spiritual philosophy has grown and developed over the years.  Perhaps it is important that I find which traditions, which celebrations have meaning to me, and develop ways of observing them that lets me understand where they have come from, the meaning they have for me at this time, and how they will impact on the future.

Of course, I’m not sure if all of that made any sense at all!  Sometimes I need to get it out of me by writing and mithering and wittering on.

Rainy-day-Friday

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It’s really raining heavily here at the moment.  I love the sound of the rain, and the wind, while I’m cwtched up warmly at home.  I went out around 8am to do my food shopping and was pleasantly surprised.  I expected people to be at the local Tesco’s in their droves, but it was really quite quiet.  Hurrah to that is all I can say! For a change, the process of shopping close to the bank holidays was relatively painless.

I finished the small piece of artwork above not long ago.  It is just the thing to brighten up the gloomy day.  It’s 17cm x 11cm and is worked in various media on white cartridge paper.  There’s metallic gold on various parts, but it hasn’t shown up in the scanning.

I’m now officially way past bone tired and I suspect that after having another mug of tea and a bite to eat I may go and join the cat in bed.

Oh the joys of being on the winter break!

Seasons Musings 2011

Angela Porter2 Comments

The end of the Autumn Term is always one filled with very mixed feelings for me, if I allow myself to dwell on things or to notice the differences between myself and others.

I usually am quite different to others in the way I seem to live my life, that’s for sure. At this time of year, with all the messages from the media, retailers and society I feel the separateness even more. The materialistic nature of our society, and at this time of year the materialist selling machine kicks into overdrive.

The main message seems to be that you can’t possibly be happy and loved unless you are in a relationship, surrounded by family and friends and have spent a small fortune on gifts and food and drink and decorations, wear a particular brand of clothes or perfume or aftershave or jewellery, look a particular way (impossible unless you are air-brushed and digitally altered or starve yourself silly) or, or or…

Also, let us not forget the pressure to not disappoint others by not getting them the latest gadget or gizmo or designer clothing or accessories, whether you can afford it or not, and this is overwhelming, unless you are aware of the pressures upon you.

Another message is that if you have this or wear this or smell this way then your life will be magical and ecstatic and filled with love and you’ll be irresistible to others portrayed, others portrayed as the ultimate beautiful people.

The main selling point is that of an ideal partner, family, friends and life; a perfection we can’t possibly maintain except for fleeting moments; life is a series of good times and not so good times, even for the incredibly wealthy. Neither money nor fame bring happiness; if they did, we’d never hear of depressed and suicidal wealthy and/or famous people. No matter what things we own or how we dress or what we do or where we go, they cannot bring inner peace and contentment, not for more than a little while.

We’ve become a society, generally, which says I love you by how much we spend on someone, not by on how we treat others.

It is at this time of the year, when businesses whose business is to get you to part with your money, get you to buy into the belief that nothing says I love you more than spending a lot of money on you.

Am I cynical? Probably. Oh, I know that not everyone is like this, that there are people out there who understand what gifting is about, but the majority have been infected with the consumerism/materialism virus.

Being a long-term single person, one who has blood family that she’s not close to (which equates to having no real family) and friends who have their own families, then this time of year can be very difficult. Add to that the bad memories of the past that can surface as various events or pressures are felt related to this season, and a deep tiredness that saps me of my emotional resilience, I can find it very difficult to cope with this particular holiday.

I associate this time of year with huge childhood disappointments. This disappointment wasn’t with what gifts I had or how much money had or hadn’t been spent – I was always appreciative of the gifts given. No, the disappointment was always connected to my hope that Christmas would bring a wonderful change to my life; that there would really be peace and love and goodwill to all, including me.

It never happened.

By mid-morning the magic of waking and finding the house be-decked with fairy lights and decorations overnight by Father Christmas’ fairies that lived in the central heating system and the surprise of the presents at the end of the bed were replaced by arguments and name-calling, destruction and bullying, which only intensified as the day went on and tempers became more and more frayed by tiredness and food and drink.

By Boxing Day everything was back to normal, the only difference were the twinkling lights, tree, tinsel and trimmings.

Christmas became a season of false hopes and false promises.

That never changed as I went through adulthood. Oh the parties could be fun, but generally ended in drunken fights – verbal or physical – between other party-goers always spoiled them

The expectation of sitting and watching Christmas TV with no conversation after dinner was tedious and boring for me. Or the annoyance at the long ago ex-partner turning up drunk and late for the first Christmas dinner in our new home together. I’d spent all morning preparing and cooking the meal, and by the time he got home it was all dry and over-done. I’d nibbled my way through my food waiting for him (and got through half a bottle of very good port). He wolfed it down, dashed upstairs to be sick and then spent the rest of the day in bed sleeping it all off.

Not all have been sad or bad.

I had a good day a few years ago when I volunteered to help the chef at a half-way house run by the Salvation Army. There were lots of laughs that day.

There was also the year where I ‘rescued’ a friend from a long walk home after his fiancée had chucked him out at 10am on Christmas morning because her son had complained that my friend hadn’t shown enough enthusiasm for the son’s gifts. I ended up cooking an Indian banquet before taking him to his lodgings in the evening.

And last year, heavy snow meant it wasn’t possible to go anywhere, and so the pressure was off me. I spent the day engrossed in art and reading and music.

There’s also my acceptance that Christmas, as a religious thing, means nothing to me. It’s allowed me to be happier at this time of year than in the past. I still feel the pressures from outside.

This is a turning point in the year; Christmas more-or-less coincides with the Winter Solstice which heralds a return of the light and the possibility of growth in the coming months. The Solstice brings change and the opportunities for personal growth. The Sun is at it’s weakest at this time, though its strength is gradually reborn and grows in strength over the coming months. It’s a good time to let go of things that have ‘died’ in our life in order to make space for new things to come into our lives. My attitude towards this time of year is one of those things that needs to change, my resilience to the external pressures needs to be strengthened, and there are some things I need to let go of in order for this change to occur.

Despite all the work I’ve done on myself, on how I view things, becoming comfortable with who I am and my life, I still find this time of year difficult. All the comments like ‘Oh, it must be so lonely for you at this time of year, with no one to spend Christmas with’ (what about the rest of the year?) or the avoidance of the subject (by me as well), and seeing people in large groups eating and drinking and laughing and I’m on the outside looking in, or that’s how it feels.

It’s not the eating or drinking that can get me sad, more the lack of human company. However, that is a feeling that isn’t confined to this time of year – it’s an all year round thing.

I know I tend to keep myself distant from people; I’ve been hurt too often in the past. I do need to learn how to risk a little of myself in order to form connections with others. That is a longer term goal than just for one day of the year, however.

I think that this year I will revel in my solitary time, take the time to rest and recuperate, to do nice things for myself, learn to give to myself for a change and look at where I need to learn to accept from others too. It’s time to remind myself that I am comfortable in my own company, that I’m not lonely, that my life has meaning and purpose and it’s a good time to look at what I do have in my life and to be properly grateful for it. It’s a time to find the strength to avoid noticing what is missing according to the fairytale the media weave for us surrounding what happiness is and what we must have to be happy.

Perhaps, it would be a cathartic exercise to write my own version of A Christmas Carol – past, present and future – maybe calling it a Solstice Carol or a Yule Carol. 

Philosophical thoughts stemming from a chat about tea.

Angela Porter4 Comments

Tea is always good! I always enjoy my first mug of the day, slowly coming around from a night’s sleep, and nothing beats that freshly brewed mug of tea when you get in from a day’s work. That big, relaxing, comforting sigh that accompanies the first sip is a wonderful thing, a switch from stressful times to more relaxed times. We often miss the little wonderful things in life that bring us moments of pleasure throughout the day, instead we focus on the big, important things, good or bad.  We feel that we should only tell others of the big things going on, things that sound important, things that sound hugely interesting.  We believe that much of our day to day lives are unimportant or uninteresting to others.

However, perhaps it is time we all reflected on those moments of peace, of pleasure, of love, of joy, of friendship, of satisfaction, of success, of good news from others or of ourselves, no matter how small or how big,  that pepper our day and shared them with others and with an air of gratitude.  By doing this, maybe we will realise, that no matter how tough life can get, there are still sparkles in the seemingly all pervading darkness that are there to brighten the dark, to help us through the tougher times, and help others to make their way through them too by reminding them to look for their own sparkles.

Perhaps by looking for a few sparkles of goodness, we then start to see more and more and more, and perhaps the darkness we tend to wallow in, believing life has to be a struggle, life has to be difficult, life has to be filled with sadness and troubles and woes, isn’t all that dark after all.  Instead there is a balance between the sparkles and the dark that we can find by not ignoring the darkness, but by shifting our attention to looking for the sparkles and the bright moments in a healthy, balanced manner.

Perhaps it is by finding the balance, or by discovering the the density of the bright sparkles is a little greater than the darkness of the tough times, that we discover that we are truly wealthy; things, possessions, quick-fix addictive behaviours may give a quick burst of brightness that hides the gloom for a while, but the true wealth lies in things that money can’t buy.  The smile and laugh and chatter shared with another human being that we barely notice because we are thinking of what needs to be done and how we are going to do it, the glorious beauty of a glowing sunset that we miss because we are rushing from one thing to the next, the kindnesses received and given and barely noticed because we take it for granted, the compliments and praise given by a friend or co-worker or acquaintance that we usually brush away…

The list is endless, isn’t it?

So, what do you have to be grateful for in your life?  Don’t just look for the big things, the obvious things, look for the little things, the little sparkles that are easy to overlook that happen continually throughout each waking moment of every day.

Half term almost over … boo!

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I spent the first half of the half-term week getting over ‘flu.  It took until Wednesday for me to feel even slightly alive, and until Thursday for me to feel like myself.

Wednesday saw my car pass it’s MOT with ‘flying colours’ – not a single advisory note, and just one bit of work that needed to be done before the MOT.  My bill was a massive £65 – which is a bit sarcastic as that’s the lowest bill I’ve had for a car that I own for a long time.  The Smart Car drained my resources frequently, but this battered, M-reg red Corsa is proving to be the most reliable and cheapest car to run (taking into account petrol, insurance, tax and servicing/repairs!  So a happy bunny, and even more so because the new mechanic is an absolute gem – thanks to my little sister Sara for recommending him.

Thursday was a weird day as I had to be interviewed as part of an inquiry into problems with a committee I’m a member of.  I’m not involved with the problems per se, but I am one of the witnesses to what occurred; not that I remember much as it was many months ago now.  So, we wait to see what happens as a result of the inquiry.

Friday saw a new shower fitted by a nice man from SWALEC at long last, but not without problems.  The main problem was that I couldn’t remember where the water stop cock was until water had sprayed over the bathroom and dripped through the ceiling downstairs and then my memory clicked in.  Everything else then went fairly smoothly.  After this, I had time to have a quick clean up before heading to Cardiff for an interview to start training as a hypnotherapist with Chrysalis.  That was easy, and though the nerves kicked in a little because it’s an unknown thing.  The actual interview wasn’t one really, more of a ‘this is what hypnotherapy is (I already knew that, but let them tell me again), I can see you have a lot of life experience (apparently important for any therapist), and do you want to ask any questions?’  It was a pleasant 30 mins or so.  I was told I could start the course the next day or wait until the next intake in the Spring.

Well, once I’ve made my mind up, I tend to do things as straight away as is possible, so I elected to start the course the very next day…

… and that’s how I spent yesterday! 10am to 5pm learning about the course, expectations, sorting out practice groups that meet outside of the monthly day courses, getting to know one another, and then actually experiencing and then practising a progressive muscle relaxation method.

The method was familiar to me as I use one very similar when I take a group of people for guided meditations on a Friday evening.  I cheated and didn’t use their script, but used my own … but I know I’ll have to follow more precisely in the future.  My partner was well pleased with the results, so that’s all that really, really matters.

I have a feeling I will instinctively know a lot of what is being taught, but the diploma will allow me to practice as a hypnotherapist, perhaps even start up a little business, which if it becomes successful and sustainable may allow me to change my career, even if only part-time.

I also have kind of decided that after this I’d like to do a degree in either psychology or forensic psychology and then use that to lead me to completely new pastures.  I’ve often thought about becoming a counsellor, but … there’s something that tells me not yet.  However, we’ll see!

I was totally drained in the evening.  It was a busy day, especially with so many people (26 including me and the tutor – Sue Preston).

I do plan to spend some time today completing another abstract artwork, that’s once I’ve sorted out all the notes from yesterday’s course.  I also have Pommes Dauphinoise, though my version has loads of garlic in it, parsley instead of thyme and no cheese on it.  However it is cooked it is a terribly indulgent yet scrummily delicious dish.  I will just have a variety of veggies with it…I think.  Though Quorn Fish-less Fingers may be speaking to me to eat them!

Almost the end of the Summer break…

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Prehistoric Fertility 2 – A work in progress

Prehistoric Fertility 2 WIP © Angela Porter 2011

Dimensions – 23x30cm, approx.  Silk fibre needle felt on a black felt background.  Embellishement with beads, metallic and Japan threads, and custom-made sequins.

Photographs never seem to do my work justice, simply because I’m not a photographer.  There is no idea of the shimmery nature of the work, the way that the gold Japan threads used to outline various parts of the needle felt define the shapes and provide a channel along which the colours seem to flow like oil on water.  There is no sense of the texture and heights/depths that the needle felt has brought to the work, nor to the patterns and textures the beads give.  The colours still look garish in the photograph, yet in the actual piece they are more subtle and muted.

I have spent many hours on this so far – around 30 I would guess.  Every moment has been a pleasure, and I’ve even caught myself looking at it and smiling at how well it is working out – unusual for me as I’m my own worst critic, and it’s a step forward that I can appreciate the beauty in my creative work.

Last day of the holidays

It’s finally arrived.  Today marks the end of my freedom to a degree.  Tomorrow I return to work, to a structured day and all the ups and downs that go with the job that teaching is.  My time for art and other pursuits will become very limited.

I had a list of things to do over the Summer, and I’ve achieved few of them, however I have achieved other things, and that is good.  What is better is I’m not beating myself up about the tasks undone.  There’ll be time to do them…

I will miss the slow starts to the day, the spontaneity of trips and visits and time with friends.  Friday afternoon I spent with a friend in a local cafe-bar, drinking, talking about art and other things, working on art, having nice food and laughing before going to take the weekly meditation class I lead.  I will miss the opportunity to do those kinds of things.

On the positive side, it won’t be long until the next school break, and there are the weekends too…

There’s definitely a coolness in the air in the mornings and evenings.  It’s a feeling I associate with the coming of autumn, the return to school, the start of the new academic year and a sense of hope of better things to come, a hope that was usually misplaced, and still is.  However, I still hope that a new school year and a new term will bring new attitudes, opportunities and good achievements.

This year, the new attitudes must be towards myself and my expectations of me and how I react to the poor attitude/behaviour of others.  The Summer break has allowed me to relax, to become who I am meant to be.  I like this person, I like the contentment within me, I like the confidence that comes with it.  What I don’t want is to lose this with the stresses and strains of teaching.  There’s a challenge!

One of the tasks left mostly undone over the Summer was too look for an alternative career/job, one that will allow me to use all my personal skills/talents/gifts in a positive manner.  I’ve been stumped as to what to do, and looking around at available jobs there is nothing that seems to fit me, well not yet.

So that’s another task for the coming weeks – to keep looking at available jobs, to seek advice, suggestions, to continue the audit of my personal skills to help me focus on what  I could do.

I have been thinking about training as a hypnotherapist.  The biggest stumbling block for me is finding the money to pay the fees.  I’m making enquiries about that…so finger’s crossed!

The incipient return to work has been causing some anxiety and worry with me.  My meditation this morning was filled with thoughts of things that need to be done, ideas as to what to do, worries about things that cause me emotional pain …

Blimey!

Angela Porter2 Comments

I can actually see and use the top of the table in my back room!  While listening to the news on BBC News Online I cleared the top off, sorted stuff out, and can now do art there!  This is a bigger table than the one in my front room, so it’s easier to work on in some ways, however the lighting in here is less than idea.  I feel the need for a long extension lead and a desk lamp coming on …

News is now off, I’ve decided that it’s too gloomy to watch any more and I’ve had my ‘rant’ in my earlier entry.  It’s now time to do things that create beauty in this world, not focus on things that destroy.

Riots…

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I’m watching the BBC News online … I can’t believe what I’m seeing/hearing.

What makes people think it is perfectly all right to behave in such a manner?  What makes them think it is acceptable to steal, destroy, maim and, eventually, cause death?  When is this ever acceptable?

Every person who is taking part in this knows it is wrong, knows they are breaking the law, ignoring the rules and limits that make living together possible.

I don’t know what kinds of reasons will be given for these riots, not just in London but in Birmingham and Liverpool and Nottingham and Bristol…and anywhere else it occurs.  One political party will blame another, others will blame the lack of opportunity for meaningful employment, others will blame the press of people in a small space, yet others will blame immigration.

Will anyone say that the blame lies firmly at the feet of those who have made the choice to behave in this way.  Yes, it is a CHOICE.  We all have the ability to choose what we do and how we do it in our life, even if we try to see it is not so.

Each and every person involved in these riots know that their actions are WRONG, yet they CHOOSE to ignore that knowledge.  They choose to ignore that the people who they are hurting the most are people just like them who make the choice to behave in a manner that is ethically sound.

What would one of these mob rioters think if someone they loved or cared about had their home, car, workplace stolen/damaged/destroyed?  What they think if a loved one was hurt or killed as a result of the actions of a mob which they are part of?

Where is the care and concern for other people?  Where is the concern for any one other than me, ME, ME?

10:24am

I can’t believe what I’ve seen on the BBC News.  A young chap injured in the riots, bleeding from his face somewhere.  He’s helped to his feet by one of the rioters who makes moves to help him along his way, then others come along and open the injured chap’s rucksack and take things out and then just walk away.

Whenever is this kind of behaviour right?

Where is the compassionate attitude that characterises a caring society?

12:35pm

Well, … Theresa May: “We can cut police budget without risking violent unrest.” – Guardian, 15 Sept 2010

Camila Batmanghelidjh: Caring costs – but so do riots – Independent 9 Aug 2011.  Interesting article …

1:38pm

“We did it to show the police we can do what we want.”  “We did it to show the rich people we can do what we want.”  “It’s the governments fault, the Conservatives, yeah, I don’t know.”  “Yeah, we hope it happens again tonight.  It’s fun.”

Words from two teenage girls who spent the night throwing bottles, breaking windows, stealing and drinking wine …

Their definition of rich – people who own their own business.

This is the actual video clip –> teenage rioters explain why they did it.  I may not have quoted precisely correctly, but you get the gist.   And I wonder why I want out of teaching?

13:41pm

“Looters beware. We know how to use social media too…catchalooter.com ” retweeted by Deadlyknitshade