Personal development

Calendar change-over eve…

Angela PorterLeave a comment

The old to the new

Well, the end of the calendar year, and the astronomical year if the Winter Solstice is seen as the end of one cycle and the start of the next, has come with a pile of revelations from a friend and a series of bangs that have released some inner demons and tears and uncovered an emptiness and knotted-ness in my gut area.

I’m pleased for my friend, don’t get me wrong.  At last they are taking the little yet huge step they need to take to release them from a situation that is untenable for them and into a new phase of their life’s journey.  I wish them happiness and joy and love.  I worry that they are chasing a rainbow, a dream that will not live up to reality, they’ll find the grass isn’t greener, but I know that they’ll find themselves progressing forward in a way they couldn’t where the currently are at.

Their excitement, fear, trepidation, hope and all the other things their going through has stirred up some ‘stuff’ within me that needs to be worked on and examined, which are, in no particular order:

  • Job and Career – Teaching is no longer healthy for me and though I find pleasure and satisfaction in some areas of the job, increasingly I’m finding it harder and harder to cope with other aspects of it.  I need to look at myself and what I can offer in terms of being an employee and what I need from a workplace in order to feel appreciated, valued, successful and that I am achieving good and truly helping people.  What kind of career I want, I don’t know.  Maybe training as a hypnotherapist will lead me along the way.  However, I do know I need to identify what I’d like to do, and that starts with what I can do and so on.
  • Relationships – I’ve been single for, gosh, thirteen and a half years now.  Along the way I’ve had many experiences placed along the spectrum of good to absolutely goddam awful.  I’ve felt time and time again the hurt of rejection and the blow it delivers to my self-esteem, self-respect and so on, and of course I realise that I expected nothing else.  Well, it’s about time that changed and it’s time for me to learn about relationships…big step for me.  How I do this, I don’t know, but it will start with me looking at myself honestly at the qualities I have, good and not so good, and come to accept and care about myself.
  • Friendships – I have a small number of very good friends, but learning to ask for help and accepting it when it is given is … a big hurdle for me.  I’ve had to be strong and independent for so long, to prove I can do it, that admitting I can’t is a big thing.
  • Creativity – I do not do enough to develop my writing skills and to weave stories.  I doubt my ability to do this.  I fear plagiarising, being unoriginal, being boring or trite.  I fear failure (damn that ultra-perfectionist part of me that doesn’t recognise when something is good enough).  I feel a sense of being overwhelmed when I think about telling a tale.  The result is I do nothing.  I also am lacking inspiration in art, finding myself doing the same kind of thing over and over and over …

The common threads running through all of this involve me learning to love myself by knowing who I am and to accept myself for this, warts and all.  I need to raise my self-esteem, my confidence, to be brave enough to start something.  Above all else, I need to find the courage to be brave enough to share something of myself with others.

To follow tradition or not?

This year, more than at any other time, I’ve found the traditions and the significance of events more puzzling and confusing.

The rational scientist in me recognises that time is a continuous flow, the only markers on time are the ones we place there so that we can agree on when we are talking about and the meaning we attach to those markers is manufactured to satisfy a need for predictable events in our lives, to bring some kind of order to what appears to be an otherwise random and chaotic existence.

Then the more spiritual aspect of me kicks in and says that it’s OK to do this, to mark the various points on the wheel of the year, the various events that we celebrate, the things we give meaning to.  They connect us together, for we are all connected, not just to all other human beings, not just to all life on Earth, but to the very stuff the Earth and, indeed, the Universe is made out of, the energy that constantly flows round and round.

We are not disconnected from the cycles that we can observe on this planet.  We may rationalise that they are caused by scientific laws, that they have no meaning.

However, I’m coming to realise that they do have meaning.  They bring us together and remind us that we are not separate, that what one of us does impacts on the whole, to a greater or lesser degree.  By honouring the traditions we connect to the patterns that are stored in the universal consciousness for humans have been honouring the same observed patterns and events over many, many generations.  It’s a way of honouring our forebears, of connecting to the present day, and of speaking to the future too.

It’s important, however, to decide if the particular traditions or observances fit in with your own philosophy, why you celebrate in the way you do, and to recognise that it is perfectly acceptable to change them as you grow and develop as a person, and not to just follow them blindly because you have always done them.  It is, of course, perfectly acceptable to create traditions of  your own too.

It may be that because I lead a very solitary existence, traditions celebrated by oneself have not really had any particular meaning, or have changed as my spiritual philosophy has grown and developed over the years.  Perhaps it is important that I find which traditions, which celebrations have meaning to me, and develop ways of observing them that lets me understand where they have come from, the meaning they have for me at this time, and how they will impact on the future.

Of course, I’m not sure if all of that made any sense at all!  Sometimes I need to get it out of me by writing and mithering and wittering on.

Winter Solstice 2011

Angela Porter2 Comments

Today is the Winter Solstice, well the astronomical solstice at least.  The Sun left Sagittarius and entered Capricorn at 05:31GMT this morning and that is the exact point of the solstice.

The Winter Solstice has long been marked as a special time for many millennia.  Our ancient forebears built stone monuments that tracked the passage of the Sun across the sky as the seasons changed; to them it was important to know when it would soon be time to plant the fields so that food would be plentiful once again.

The pattern of observing the Winter Solstice, and other festivals throughout the winter, and indeed throughout the rest of the year, is set in the fabric of our society, though the names of the celebrations, and the precise date of them, have changed over time, and what was once a religious celebration has become, for many in Britain, a secular celebration involving the exchange of gifts, the consumption of food and drink and time with loved ones (though this is not the case for all – let us not forget there are many who have no friends or family or home at this time of year).

There are plenty of places on the world-weird-web where you can find out about the origins of the various traditions that people observe at this time of year in the many cultures that have winter festival.

It has become my own tradition on this day that I spend time in the morning writing in my journal, reflecting on where I have come from and where I’d like to go in the coming months.  Well, that’s the plan, but that rarely happens as my pen gets hijacked by my unconscious mind and lots of things flow onto the paper, many insights and things to consider and ponder, much of which I won’t share with others as it is for me.

Part of my musings I will share concern the passing of time and the meaning we put on various events to help bring order to our lives, and some kind of certainty to the future amid all the seeming chaos and randomness of our lives.  I realised, that it’s important to me to understand why something is celebrated or why a particular traditional activity is done at any particular time of year.

I am finding that as I grow and develop as a person, as a spiritual being, that what I once did no longer makes sense to me; rather than beating myself up about abandoning something that once made sense, worrying that I was being too lazy or turning my back on things, I’ve realised that things do change as I change and understand more.  That is, for me, an important realisation.

Of course, I feel the pressures to conform and I make sure I respect others’ beliefs and traditions and do as they would wish at this time.  However, I have to feel comfortable in my own skin, in my own view of how the Universe seems to work from my point in it.

Another important realisation to come from this mornings musings is that it is most important to remain open  minded about all kinds of things; even though I may have my own views, ideas, theories, experiences, observations and so on at this time, that may change as I experience more and grow and develop.  Being blinkered to other possibilities, to there being no other ways may be what underlies so many of the world’s problems (and greed, never forget the power of greed …).

As I’ve said, there was much more and it made sense to me.  Maybe I’ll share more once I’ve worked through and processed it all.

What this leaves me with is to wish you all the very brightest blessings of the season, the most wonderful wishes for the next cycle of the seasons, no matter how you celebrate or why you celebrate!

Seasons Musings 2011

Angela Porter2 Comments

The end of the Autumn Term is always one filled with very mixed feelings for me, if I allow myself to dwell on things or to notice the differences between myself and others.

I usually am quite different to others in the way I seem to live my life, that’s for sure. At this time of year, with all the messages from the media, retailers and society I feel the separateness even more. The materialistic nature of our society, and at this time of year the materialist selling machine kicks into overdrive.

The main message seems to be that you can’t possibly be happy and loved unless you are in a relationship, surrounded by family and friends and have spent a small fortune on gifts and food and drink and decorations, wear a particular brand of clothes or perfume or aftershave or jewellery, look a particular way (impossible unless you are air-brushed and digitally altered or starve yourself silly) or, or or…

Also, let us not forget the pressure to not disappoint others by not getting them the latest gadget or gizmo or designer clothing or accessories, whether you can afford it or not, and this is overwhelming, unless you are aware of the pressures upon you.

Another message is that if you have this or wear this or smell this way then your life will be magical and ecstatic and filled with love and you’ll be irresistible to others portrayed, others portrayed as the ultimate beautiful people.

The main selling point is that of an ideal partner, family, friends and life; a perfection we can’t possibly maintain except for fleeting moments; life is a series of good times and not so good times, even for the incredibly wealthy. Neither money nor fame bring happiness; if they did, we’d never hear of depressed and suicidal wealthy and/or famous people. No matter what things we own or how we dress or what we do or where we go, they cannot bring inner peace and contentment, not for more than a little while.

We’ve become a society, generally, which says I love you by how much we spend on someone, not by on how we treat others.

It is at this time of the year, when businesses whose business is to get you to part with your money, get you to buy into the belief that nothing says I love you more than spending a lot of money on you.

Am I cynical? Probably. Oh, I know that not everyone is like this, that there are people out there who understand what gifting is about, but the majority have been infected with the consumerism/materialism virus.

Being a long-term single person, one who has blood family that she’s not close to (which equates to having no real family) and friends who have their own families, then this time of year can be very difficult. Add to that the bad memories of the past that can surface as various events or pressures are felt related to this season, and a deep tiredness that saps me of my emotional resilience, I can find it very difficult to cope with this particular holiday.

I associate this time of year with huge childhood disappointments. This disappointment wasn’t with what gifts I had or how much money had or hadn’t been spent – I was always appreciative of the gifts given. No, the disappointment was always connected to my hope that Christmas would bring a wonderful change to my life; that there would really be peace and love and goodwill to all, including me.

It never happened.

By mid-morning the magic of waking and finding the house be-decked with fairy lights and decorations overnight by Father Christmas’ fairies that lived in the central heating system and the surprise of the presents at the end of the bed were replaced by arguments and name-calling, destruction and bullying, which only intensified as the day went on and tempers became more and more frayed by tiredness and food and drink.

By Boxing Day everything was back to normal, the only difference were the twinkling lights, tree, tinsel and trimmings.

Christmas became a season of false hopes and false promises.

That never changed as I went through adulthood. Oh the parties could be fun, but generally ended in drunken fights – verbal or physical – between other party-goers always spoiled them

The expectation of sitting and watching Christmas TV with no conversation after dinner was tedious and boring for me. Or the annoyance at the long ago ex-partner turning up drunk and late for the first Christmas dinner in our new home together. I’d spent all morning preparing and cooking the meal, and by the time he got home it was all dry and over-done. I’d nibbled my way through my food waiting for him (and got through half a bottle of very good port). He wolfed it down, dashed upstairs to be sick and then spent the rest of the day in bed sleeping it all off.

Not all have been sad or bad.

I had a good day a few years ago when I volunteered to help the chef at a half-way house run by the Salvation Army. There were lots of laughs that day.

There was also the year where I ‘rescued’ a friend from a long walk home after his fiancée had chucked him out at 10am on Christmas morning because her son had complained that my friend hadn’t shown enough enthusiasm for the son’s gifts. I ended up cooking an Indian banquet before taking him to his lodgings in the evening.

And last year, heavy snow meant it wasn’t possible to go anywhere, and so the pressure was off me. I spent the day engrossed in art and reading and music.

There’s also my acceptance that Christmas, as a religious thing, means nothing to me. It’s allowed me to be happier at this time of year than in the past. I still feel the pressures from outside.

This is a turning point in the year; Christmas more-or-less coincides with the Winter Solstice which heralds a return of the light and the possibility of growth in the coming months. The Solstice brings change and the opportunities for personal growth. The Sun is at it’s weakest at this time, though its strength is gradually reborn and grows in strength over the coming months. It’s a good time to let go of things that have ‘died’ in our life in order to make space for new things to come into our lives. My attitude towards this time of year is one of those things that needs to change, my resilience to the external pressures needs to be strengthened, and there are some things I need to let go of in order for this change to occur.

Despite all the work I’ve done on myself, on how I view things, becoming comfortable with who I am and my life, I still find this time of year difficult. All the comments like ‘Oh, it must be so lonely for you at this time of year, with no one to spend Christmas with’ (what about the rest of the year?) or the avoidance of the subject (by me as well), and seeing people in large groups eating and drinking and laughing and I’m on the outside looking in, or that’s how it feels.

It’s not the eating or drinking that can get me sad, more the lack of human company. However, that is a feeling that isn’t confined to this time of year – it’s an all year round thing.

I know I tend to keep myself distant from people; I’ve been hurt too often in the past. I do need to learn how to risk a little of myself in order to form connections with others. That is a longer term goal than just for one day of the year, however.

I think that this year I will revel in my solitary time, take the time to rest and recuperate, to do nice things for myself, learn to give to myself for a change and look at where I need to learn to accept from others too. It’s time to remind myself that I am comfortable in my own company, that I’m not lonely, that my life has meaning and purpose and it’s a good time to look at what I do have in my life and to be properly grateful for it. It’s a time to find the strength to avoid noticing what is missing according to the fairytale the media weave for us surrounding what happiness is and what we must have to be happy.

Perhaps, it would be a cathartic exercise to write my own version of A Christmas Carol – past, present and future – maybe calling it a Solstice Carol or a Yule Carol. 

Philosophical thoughts stemming from a chat about tea.

Angela Porter4 Comments

Tea is always good! I always enjoy my first mug of the day, slowly coming around from a night’s sleep, and nothing beats that freshly brewed mug of tea when you get in from a day’s work. That big, relaxing, comforting sigh that accompanies the first sip is a wonderful thing, a switch from stressful times to more relaxed times. We often miss the little wonderful things in life that bring us moments of pleasure throughout the day, instead we focus on the big, important things, good or bad.  We feel that we should only tell others of the big things going on, things that sound important, things that sound hugely interesting.  We believe that much of our day to day lives are unimportant or uninteresting to others.

However, perhaps it is time we all reflected on those moments of peace, of pleasure, of love, of joy, of friendship, of satisfaction, of success, of good news from others or of ourselves, no matter how small or how big,  that pepper our day and shared them with others and with an air of gratitude.  By doing this, maybe we will realise, that no matter how tough life can get, there are still sparkles in the seemingly all pervading darkness that are there to brighten the dark, to help us through the tougher times, and help others to make their way through them too by reminding them to look for their own sparkles.

Perhaps by looking for a few sparkles of goodness, we then start to see more and more and more, and perhaps the darkness we tend to wallow in, believing life has to be a struggle, life has to be difficult, life has to be filled with sadness and troubles and woes, isn’t all that dark after all.  Instead there is a balance between the sparkles and the dark that we can find by not ignoring the darkness, but by shifting our attention to looking for the sparkles and the bright moments in a healthy, balanced manner.

Perhaps it is by finding the balance, or by discovering the the density of the bright sparkles is a little greater than the darkness of the tough times, that we discover that we are truly wealthy; things, possessions, quick-fix addictive behaviours may give a quick burst of brightness that hides the gloom for a while, but the true wealth lies in things that money can’t buy.  The smile and laugh and chatter shared with another human being that we barely notice because we are thinking of what needs to be done and how we are going to do it, the glorious beauty of a glowing sunset that we miss because we are rushing from one thing to the next, the kindnesses received and given and barely noticed because we take it for granted, the compliments and praise given by a friend or co-worker or acquaintance that we usually brush away…

The list is endless, isn’t it?

So, what do you have to be grateful for in your life?  Don’t just look for the big things, the obvious things, look for the little things, the little sparkles that are easy to overlook that happen continually throughout each waking moment of every day.

Half term almost over … boo!

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I spent the first half of the half-term week getting over ‘flu.  It took until Wednesday for me to feel even slightly alive, and until Thursday for me to feel like myself.

Wednesday saw my car pass it’s MOT with ‘flying colours’ – not a single advisory note, and just one bit of work that needed to be done before the MOT.  My bill was a massive £65 – which is a bit sarcastic as that’s the lowest bill I’ve had for a car that I own for a long time.  The Smart Car drained my resources frequently, but this battered, M-reg red Corsa is proving to be the most reliable and cheapest car to run (taking into account petrol, insurance, tax and servicing/repairs!  So a happy bunny, and even more so because the new mechanic is an absolute gem – thanks to my little sister Sara for recommending him.

Thursday was a weird day as I had to be interviewed as part of an inquiry into problems with a committee I’m a member of.  I’m not involved with the problems per se, but I am one of the witnesses to what occurred; not that I remember much as it was many months ago now.  So, we wait to see what happens as a result of the inquiry.

Friday saw a new shower fitted by a nice man from SWALEC at long last, but not without problems.  The main problem was that I couldn’t remember where the water stop cock was until water had sprayed over the bathroom and dripped through the ceiling downstairs and then my memory clicked in.  Everything else then went fairly smoothly.  After this, I had time to have a quick clean up before heading to Cardiff for an interview to start training as a hypnotherapist with Chrysalis.  That was easy, and though the nerves kicked in a little because it’s an unknown thing.  The actual interview wasn’t one really, more of a ‘this is what hypnotherapy is (I already knew that, but let them tell me again), I can see you have a lot of life experience (apparently important for any therapist), and do you want to ask any questions?’  It was a pleasant 30 mins or so.  I was told I could start the course the next day or wait until the next intake in the Spring.

Well, once I’ve made my mind up, I tend to do things as straight away as is possible, so I elected to start the course the very next day…

… and that’s how I spent yesterday! 10am to 5pm learning about the course, expectations, sorting out practice groups that meet outside of the monthly day courses, getting to know one another, and then actually experiencing and then practising a progressive muscle relaxation method.

The method was familiar to me as I use one very similar when I take a group of people for guided meditations on a Friday evening.  I cheated and didn’t use their script, but used my own … but I know I’ll have to follow more precisely in the future.  My partner was well pleased with the results, so that’s all that really, really matters.

I have a feeling I will instinctively know a lot of what is being taught, but the diploma will allow me to practice as a hypnotherapist, perhaps even start up a little business, which if it becomes successful and sustainable may allow me to change my career, even if only part-time.

I also have kind of decided that after this I’d like to do a degree in either psychology or forensic psychology and then use that to lead me to completely new pastures.  I’ve often thought about becoming a counsellor, but … there’s something that tells me not yet.  However, we’ll see!

I was totally drained in the evening.  It was a busy day, especially with so many people (26 including me and the tutor – Sue Preston).

I do plan to spend some time today completing another abstract artwork, that’s once I’ve sorted out all the notes from yesterday’s course.  I also have Pommes Dauphinoise, though my version has loads of garlic in it, parsley instead of thyme and no cheese on it.  However it is cooked it is a terribly indulgent yet scrummily delicious dish.  I will just have a variety of veggies with it…I think.  Though Quorn Fish-less Fingers may be speaking to me to eat them!

Mother vs a mother…

Angela Porter2 Comments

Typical.  End of half term and I fall ill.  Started with a sore throat, possibly tonsilitis, a loss of voice, and then developed into ‘flu.  So my half term break started three days early with sickness.  I’m feeling a little better today, so will soon be back to my usual well self.

I dislike being ill, but have learned that to get well I have to stop and give myself time to be ill, for the illness to work its way through.  If I don’t I lose my voice for at least one week, sometimes two, which is not at all good.

I was hoping, really hoping, to make it through one half term without any illness, but working in a school and coming into contact with teenagers who carry all kinds of diseases makes it nigh on impossible!

I think the stress of having to deal with family issues (my mother was rushed into hospital and is really lucky to be alive, so far; she’s still not out of the woods) relating to having to communicate with people I share some DNA coding with and who think the word ‘but she’s family’ makes everything all well between us all.

Wrong!

Bonds of love and respect are earned not given just because you happen to have been brought into this world by someone (or, rather, some two people) and happen to have inherited half your DNA from them.  As a child, I was not shown love or affection, nor was I given a sense of being valued as a human being.  That attitude didn’t change as I entered adulthood, and as an independent person I’m now strong and well enough to assert my right to associate with who I wish.

In general, other people don’t get this, certainly not most family members.

‘Let go, it’s in the past.’  ‘But she’s seriously ill.’  ‘You need to sort your head out.’ ‘But she’s your mother.’

‘Mother’ is a title that is earned, in my opinion.  It is a word that represents a care-giver, a nurturer, protector, defender, and if that wasn’t the case, if the opposite was often true, then how can respect or love be given?

I can be grateful that I was given enough food to live, or, rather, more than enough so that I have a life-long problem with weight and my relationship to food as it is used to numb uncomfortable emotions.  I can be grateful that I was clothed and allowed to go to school, that I was provided with things.

The important things of love, affection, concern and a sense of being something of value to others and to myself were never there and were never fostered.  She never helped me to fly, if anything she did what she could to make sure I was firmly tethered to the ground in a very limited space, hidden, unseen.

The stories I could tell are many, but to dwell on them is never good, they are in the past.

Yes, I have let go of the past by realising that I can bestow the title of Mother on those who have acted as Mothers to me through my life (oddly, mainly men, but then the archetypal Mother presents itself in many ways through many people).  My mother of chance because we share DNA has not, in my opinion, earned the title of Mother.

I can be grateful that the experiences I’ve lived through have made me who I am, even though it has taken a lot of personal work to get through the dross of the past (and I am under no illusion that it is all done with, not by a long shot; with each new situation in my life, more is likely to be uncovered that needs to be examined, lessons will need to be unlearned, especially with the great challenge of ‘relationships’ of all kinds) and to discover the truth of me that lies beneath the lies of those I, as a child, placed my trust in, who I looked up to for guidance and support and care.

Does this seem harsh?  Perhaps.  However, I can only speak the truth of my experiences and my position.

I did visit her in hospital, twice, before I became unwell and am banished until the dreaded lurgy vanishes.  She was consciously unaware.  I felt no bond, no love for this woman.  Neither did I feel any hatred or pity.  It worried me I felt nothing, until I realised I feel compassion that no human being, or living thing, should suffer, not even my genetic mother.

Perhaps that is the best I can hope for.

Second Dragon ‘a’

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Dragon a 13 March 2011 © Angela Porter 2011

I finished this one not very long ago – and it is finished!  I decided not to fill the whole of the outline in with this one, though I am pondering thickening the outline to make it look more like a window frame made of stone, but maybe not.  I do like the empty space – it’s not so busily confusing.

It’s a little less than A4 in size, worked using black in in Rotring Rapidograph pens and white Pilot Uniball and Sakura Souffle pens on brown paper.

Other things …

I’ve been off work since Thursday.  Sore throat and cough, and that turned into a raging upset tummy-tum-tum yesterday, so I’m feeling just a little ‘drained’ today.  I’ll see how I am in the morning before I decide whether or not I’m up to facing the concentrations of confrontation/defiance/disrespect/aggression that are also known as pupils.

The time away has given me a chance to complete the ‘a’ above – it’s always a pleasure to lose myself in art – to do some work on negative automatic thoughts (NATs) and to find out where my deficiencies lie so that myself and my marble-sticker-in-place (counsellor) can work on dispelling the NATs and coming up with strategies to help me change them to PATs (positive automatic thoughts) as well as find the reasons for me to put strategies in place to help me treat myself in a good way, to lead myself to having a healthy lifestyle, and to intervene gently and positively with my comfort eating.  The NATs that are left are ones that lurk deep and have great power still, even though they don’t shout; their messages to sabotage me and my efforts at self-love are fare more devious and catching them in the act will take a lot of stealth on my part too.  They’re likely to be pretty ugly when I finally catch them at it.

No, I’m not mad.  I’m assured I’m not.  I just try to use my imagination to help me find my way through this counselling and on the way to becoming comfortable with who I am, caring for me, loving me in a healthy way, and imagining the NATs as some kind of beings that I call my inner beasties helps me in identifying and confronting them.  I do believe that underneath all the rubbish and poop that has stuck to them over my life time there is a shining, positive version of them, so self-hate is really self-love, and all the work I’m doing and have been doing is cleaning them up, layer by painstaking layer.  However, the deeper down the layers one goes, the longer they have been there and the harder they have stuck; as the layers have been removed, I have become stronger so I’m sure I’ll get to the shining positives beneath.

 

Some Textile Art

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I apologise in advance for the not very good photos of my textile work.  I’ve not worked out how to get good photos of it – the sparkles, shimmers and iridescence don’t make it easy, that’s for sure.

For the Princess Royal

This was presented to the Princess Royal when she opened a new care home near the school where I teach on 14th Feb 2011.  I hope to have pictures of it being presented to her sometime soon …

I was asked to make a small piece for her on the Tuesday before and it had to be finished by the Friday for framing.  So, a lot of time was spent on this.  It took around 15 to 20 hours of work, and it seems every available spare moment I had when I wasn’t sleeping, eating, driving or working was used.   It is just 9cm x 9cm in size.

I am pleased with the final work, and the photograph really does not do it justice at all (and for me to say that is a huge step forward in my self-esteem and self-belief!).

Looking for a title…

I finished this one not long ago.  It’s around 7cm x 14cm.  It’s been a source of relaxation and pleasure during a major stress-out this week.  I think think my stress levels have been steadily rising over the last few weeks, between one thing and another at the ‘college of knowledge’, mostly the behaviour/attitude of the pupils.  I’ve never known it be so bad.  Yesterday I hit my limit of stress, and passed through that barrier to release it, and last night and today I have paid the price for it – headache, upset tummy, extreme tiredness.  So, today I have spent completing the above piece of de-stressing, relaxtion therapy.  Over the past several days it has taken around 20 hours or so to complete.  I’ve stumbled across a way to make the large, rectangular ‘sequins’ on the picture.  The photo doesn’t show how the colours change and the work shimmers and sparkles as you view it from different angles.

Rose Quartz and Self-Love

Angela Porter4 Comments

During my weekly sessions of trying to put the marbles in the right places and getting them to stay there the focus has been on self-love, self-esteem and self-confidence, or rather the lack of all these things within myself.  I’ve come a fair way during the past several years in terms of personal progress, but these are the knotty issues at the root of everything and my excess weight is a symptom and not a cause of them.  Indeed, my weight may even be a barometer of my internal emotional health.

I spent sometime research what self-love is.  In my mind it’s been equated with those who shout loudly about themselves, who profess themselves to be wonderful in a strident manner, and who are egotistical to the point of excluding any one else in their lives.  And now I’ve kind of worked out what self-love is about those ideas are totally off the wall yet are indicative of how hard the self-talk has been programmed to believe that if I were to love myself, to consider myself worthy of good things then I would be like these loud, boastful egotistical people and that is something I would not wish to be.

Self-love is subtle yet powerful.  It involves having faith in yourself, being there for yourself, caring for yourself.  It’s recognising your talents, achievements, strengths, positive qualities and allowing yourself to be proud of them, to praise yourself for all your successes.  Not in a loud, boastful, bragging kind of way, but quietly, reinforcing all that is positive about yourself and in so doing gaining a positive self-image, a healthy sense of self-worth, of having a quiet confidence about what you are able to do.  It is about being your own best friend as you are the only constant in your life.

In learning to love yourself, you allow others to love you too.  This is a big lesson for me to learn, and it’s going to take time to overturn the thought patterns, the neural nets that have reinforced my poor view of  myself over 40-odd years of my life.  So it’s not going to happen overnight.

Now, I do have a bit of an interest in things of a spiritual nature,  things considered ‘new age’, psychic, metaphysical, parapsychological and so on.  There are some circles I move in where I discuss such things, there are others where it is never mentioned, such as at work.  My own thoughts on things like crystals things is that they are tools, props, symbols to focus on that help change the thought patterns or emotional patterns to more positive ones.  Whether each crystal truly has a different energy, whether colour influences us or not, if we believe it to make a difference, to help us, then it will.  Science is recognising more and more that there is a link between our physical health and our emotional or mental state, so anything that helps to promote a more healthy mind-set or inner emotional climate must have an effect on physical health.  Mind you, that’s all an over simplification of something that is most probably more complex, and my views are likely to change as experience, knowledge and I change.  That’s part of life and how we grow.

Anyway, I digress.  I decided last weekend to look into self-love and to find which crystal or crystals would help me develop self-love, self-worth, self-esteem and rose quartz seems to be the most important one to do this.

Rose quartz is a stone of gentle warmth and love.   It heals emotional wounds and pain and in so doing it opens the heart to the beauty that is within us as well as the beauty that is all around us.  It promotes self-acceptance, self-love and self-worth.  It enhances all forms of love including self-love, mother love, caring, kindness, compassion, platonic and romantic love.  It encourages us to open our heart and to be tender, peaceful and gentle.  It teaches forgiveness and tolerance.  It helps us to emanate unconditional love and a nurturing nature and in so doing it helps us to attract positive, gentle, non-judgemental unconditional love into our lives.

There’s a lot more about it than this on the world weird web and in books on crystal healing and metaphysical topics.  It is suggested that you carry rose quartz with you in a pocket, as a piece of jewellery or, if you are a lady, to keep a piece in your bra close to your heart!  Of course, it’s useful to hold while meditating or working on personal issues in other ways.  It can act very subtly but also very deeply by bringing up past hurts so they can be examined, the reactions to them can be altered and then they can be let go of.

I’m going to use a piece.  I have stumbled across a methodology for self-love that I’ve adapted to my particular way of thinking and spiritual path and will be using that as a focus to help me move forward.  As it resonated in me, it’s something important for me to do, and something practical to do some personal work that I would usually shy away from for it being too painful.   I’m going to be rather secretive here as I’m not going to post any details of the kind of meditative practice here.

Crystals and other things

Angela PorterLeave a comment

The return to work … and stress…

Well, it’s just over a fortnight into the month and me being back and work and juggling everything else that goes on in my life such as taking and going to meditation classes, meetings, workshops, talks has meant that the time I have spent at home has been almost total ‘down time’.  Chilling with mugs of tea and a DVD or several is about all I’ve been able to do.  It may be a good sign that I am taking that time out and not filling my time up with busy-ness.

Stress hit a high on Friday with a confrontation with a pupil … and the fear that I may have done something wrong, that I will end up being told off for it, and yet common sense tells me that I did nothing wrong (apart from shout a little loudly). I was annoyed and angry with myself for letting my temper ooze out, though I regained control very quickly, and gained a stress-headache as a result of keeping things in.  There was no chance to let the temper out as I was on the roller-coaster of lessons yet again.  I wish I could have a ‘get out of lessons free card’ like some of the pupils, just for a few mins to gather myself back together.  I now have another set of negative automatic thoughts and reactions that now need de-programming, or perhaps that need revisiting in the light of some further insight.

Having said that, this was a lesson I had to take as soon as I got to work after a counselling session that ended just half an hour or so before the lesson.  It was an emotional session, with me trying to face up to my emotional eating, self-image, self-confidence, self-esteem and weight issues … sometimes I think I should just phone in ill.  I have leave of absence for these sessions simply because I give up my non-contact time in the week to attend them so that I have no classes to be covered.

Any suggestions for a career change for me?

I think this may be the only way out of what seems to be constant source of stress in my life, and with the way attitudes towards education have changed, both among parents and pupils and the low value placed on education and the lack of respect for teachers from parents, pupils, government and the wider society it’s not going to change, is it?  A way out, but I have no idea what else I would like to do or could do (bearing in mind I do need a certain income to pay the bills …).

Crystals

Thinking about stress, I’m always trying to find ways that work for me to relieve stress in my life and so stop me becoming totally drained and heading towards a dark place.

Meditation certainly helps no end, but that takes a fair amount of time, time I don’t have in the normal school day.  Morning and night not a problem, but during the school day … not even at lunchtime do I have time that is mine.  So, I do look at other things.  Square breathing that can be done ‘on the fly’ to regain control of some part of myself and my emotions, for instance.

Crystals may be another way of helping myself … though I’m not always convinced about such things.  I also have mixed views about the rape of our planet, our home in the Universe, for it’s precious resources that cannot be replaced, well not in our life-time at any rate.

I did have an interesting experience with a tumbled piece of sodalite that I purchased after a particularly emotionally harrowing counselling session a year and a half ago.  I was fondling it while having a make-over in the Body Shop.  There was a cracking sound and a piece of the sodalite had broken off and crumbled.  Now, I’m not strong enough to do that, there were no obvious flaws that I could see in the mineral, and it would most likely have broken into two pieces if that were the case, but to crumble into what looked like blue sand …

Crystal therapists and ‘experts’ I’ve related this tale to tell me that was a sign that some powerful healing had happened, and that such breakages are not uncommon.

The scientist in me is very sceptical about anything like this, even though I know that I did end up feeling better sooner than I thought.  There was a sudden easing of my emotional distress, whether that was due to the crystal or the make-over or just a little bit of time and space I don”t know – too many variables to say which one it was!  Or maybe it was just a combination of them all.

Sodalite

Sodalite from www.exquisiteearth.co.uk
Sodalite from http://www.exquisiteearth.co.uk

Sodalite unites logic with intuition and opens spiritual perception, bringing information from the higher mind down to the physical level.  When used in meditation, the mind can be used to understand the circumstances you find yourself in.  This stone instills a drive for truth and an urge towards idealism, making it possible to remain true to yourself and stand up for your beliefs.

Sodalite eliminates mental confusion and intellectual bondage.  It encourages rational thought, objectivity, truth and intuitive perception along with the verbalisation of feelings.  As it calms the mind it allows new information to be received.  Sodalite stimulates the release of old mental conditioning and rigid mind-sets, creating space to put new insights into practice.

Psychologically, this stone brings about emotional balance and calms panic attacks.  It can transform a defensive or oversensitive personality, releasing the core fears, phobias, guilt and control mechanisms that hold you back from being who you truly are.  It enhances self-esteem, self-acceptance and self-trust.

Sodalite aids, among other things, the throat, vocal cords and larynx and is helpful for hoarseness and digestive disorders.  From The Crystal Bible, Judy Hall.

Well, that most probably covers all I’ve mentioned in my experience of sodalite, as well as issues I’m working on.  I do remember just finding myself attracted to the sodalite in the display of crystals in the shop, which was Exquisite Earth in Merthyr Tydfil.  I also remember the owner telling me to look up the crystal in a copy of ‘The Crystal Bible’ by Judy Hall and at the time it perfectly suited the situation I found myself in, and still do.  However, I am working my way through to the other side, and I am certainly a lot, lot better than I was back then!

Art

Art has taken a bit of a back seat to life in general lately.  I am hoping to lose myself in some art in the very near future – such as as soon as I’ve finished this blog entry and got a mug of tea!  I don’t have a lot of time this afternoon as I have a talk to do tonight.

Currently reading …

My reading list is really odd at the moment :

‘I can make you thin’ by Paul McKenna

‘The Spook’s Battle’ by Joseph Delaney

‘After Death Communication’ by Emma Heathcote-James

‘The Physicists’ View of Nature, Part 2: The Quantum Revolution’ by Amit Goswani

So, you can go figure!