low self-esteem

Yet another mandala…number 6 of the month!

Angela PorterLeave a comment

August Mandala 6 © Angela Porter 2013

This is approx. 17.5 x 17.5cm and was created by me using UniPin pens, Zig Art and Graphic Twin pens with water as a wash, coloured fineliner pens and coloured pencils on acid-free bristol board.

Art is my solace, even though at times I’m doing the work through tears.  Today was one of those days.  I’m really struggling with the inner critics who are beating me up so badly at the moment, and despite me trying my best to quell them, to soothe them, they are currently stronger than I am and are winning.  Art has soothed them a tad…just a tad.

Some days it’s hard to find anything to be proud of about myself, to feel I am as important and matter as much as every other person on this planet, that I’m a good person, a kind person, a caring person and so on.

On days like these, days like today, creating something pretty through my art reminds me that there is something in me, about me, that appreciates pretty things and can create pretty things and so there must be something pretty or even beautiful within me.

This one is ‘pretty’.

Astrologically pinks and greens belong to Venus, the planet of love, beauty and harmony, romance, relationships the urge to empathise and unite with others, pleasure, joy and sensuality.

The lilacs and sea-greens belong to Neptune, the planet of dreams and fantasies and helps to dissolve boundaries and change existing rules.  Neptune can also result in confusion, and confusion is often experienced during profound and/or subtle changes in thinking, rules, beliefs.  Change is never easy.

Interestingly, both planets are related to artistic pursuits and aesthetics and our own personal tastes.

Now, I’m a scientist as well as an artist and all round oddbod, so why the astrological meanings of the colours?  I find it helps me to understand the art that I create intuitively, especially the colours.  Perhaps the colours are telling me to allow the old rules of the inner critics to go and to change them, to let the boundaries they have created dissolve and in so doing let love into myself, first for myself …

Maybe … or maybe it’s just pretty!

Childhood bullying damages adult life.

Angela PorterLeave a comment

Childhood bullying damages adult life – report on the BBCNews website.

No surprises.  As a victim of childhood bullying, both in school and at home, as well as a victim of bullying as an adult, I can honestly say that nothing in the report is a surprise to me.

I’ve been doing my best to build my self-esteem and self-confidence for years as well as to overturn my comfort eating and problem with being overweight.

As I’ve already said, however.  Bullying isn’t only confined to schools.  It takes place in every area of society, both openly and behind closed doors.  The effect it has on the victim’s mental and emotional health is profound and can lead to complex PTSD, as well as many other issues.

I know.  I’ve been there.  I’m doing my best to be a survivor and then to allow myself to thrive.  Sadly, I still find times where I become the victim, yet again, from people of all ages, young and old, who find out what buttons to press to provoke a response they wish…and too late I realise what has happened…and I’ve not figured out how to halt it before it starts within myself.  I can only do something about my reactions, there is little I can do about those who are unwilling to change their ways and see nothing wrong with how they speak to and behave towards other people for their own perverse pleasure.

The sooner society starts to educate people what bullying is, recognises that people of all ages can be both bullies and victims of bullies, understands that adults don’t automatically know how to cope with bullying (either as a victim or someone who has to manage bullying, such as a teacher) and accepts that the behaviour of bullies is unacceptable the quicker things will change.  

A positive change like this will never be soon enough for me and perhaps the rest of my life will be less blighted by bullies and people who disbelieve that bullying is actually going on; it’s just the way kids are these days, he’s just a forceful manager, they’re only having fun, it’s only horseplay, they know no better, stop moaning and get on with it, stop being so childish adults don’t get bullied…