Mandala WIP and EMDR yesterday

Mandala WIP © Angela Porter |
Mandala WIP © Angela Porter |

I’ve been busy this morning. I woke and did some crocheting as my mind was waking up. After I’d come around enough and had breakfasted, I started work on my next colouring book and have one template completed. I then knew I needed a little break from templates; if I draw them too quickly one after the other they can become ‘samey’. So I thought I’d start work on another mandala.

I used my usual trio of digital tools – Microsoft Surface Pen, Surface Studio and Autodesk Sketchbook Pro. I seem to be sticking to a colour palette of greens, teals and yellow-orange.

So tell me, how are you today Angela?

I am tired but content. I had enough sleep, I’m just emotionally tired after EMDR yesterday. It turned into a rather emotional session.

My therapist, Linda, tried a different way of accessing past trauma with me. She asked for a negative belief I have about myself, the first that came into my mind. It was I’m unloveable and unimportant.

The next step was to ask me to focus on that belief to imagine myself as a young me and what’s the first memory or image that pops into my head.

I instantly became scared as I ‘saw’ in my mind an image of a snarling, angry, red and black face that was my mother’s. I literally backed away from it on the couch I was sat on. I felt sick and I thought my heart was hammering wildly in my chest, but it wasn’t.

The strength of that image and my emotional and physical response to it took me and Linda by surprise and we worked with that.

Other memories cropped up, as well as another negative belief – “I hate myself”.

At one point I could hear my mother’s voice telling me I’m a liar. I actually told that voice to be quiet as I’m not liar and this is my story not my mother’s.

I realised that my mother gave the appearance of being kind and caring in public, but not out of sight of others. This is a new realisation for me. Being called a liar is not.

I had all kinds of weird aches and pains in my body including a hot, heavy pain on my shoulders that was weighing me down.

At the end of the session I practically fled. Now I can see that’s a flight response from me.

I had thought of taking a walk after the session, but all I wanted to do was to get home to safety.

I was really tired yesterday evening and I still am today. However, I really am feeling quite content. My digestive system seems perfectly fine as well, which is a good thing.

I’m sure we’ll be continuing with this next week. As distressing as the process is, it’s about removing the constant, daily distress and unhealthy thoughts, feelings and behaviour that have dogged my whole life. The trauma keeps me stuck in the past. It’s time to release the trauma so I can live the rest of my life without those limitations.

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